Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.

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It’s 2:20 am Monday and I’m not sleepy, which is so not good…!!!!

I wanted to count stars but then I decided to go with few of my favorite things/people…

My person

My baby best friend (let’s call him Spiderman shall we)

The stories in my head

Characters I read about

My high school best friend

Agnes Obel

TV shows & fictional Characters

All the Meg Ryan and Winona Ryder movies

Jodie Foster

My Laptop and MS Word

My headphones and every song in my players

My All Stars

The world I zone out to

My new puppy who I hope would love me as much as Snowy did

Coffee

My car

Grey’s Anatomy

Dreams

Book shops

Trains

Virginia Woolf Quotes

Mississippi Mud Ice cream

Brandi Carlile

Ellen De Generes

Pickles

Indian food

Eiffel Tower

Walking

Crying

Singing in my car

You’ve Got Mail

Bouquet of newly sharpened pencils

My Tattoo

My book collection

ME…….

P.S Agnes Obel’s music is one of the many things keeping me afloat…

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I’m dating my music player..!!!!

Nothing hugs you like a beautiful song, of course this goes out to those with relationship status single and no dog…!!!!

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I miss my Alfred…!!!!!

Today I went to a shop and while I was looking around I saw Pedigree there. I started looking through the different products, the dog bones, the food and the stuff for dental hygiene etc and then for a second I almost said to myself “this dental thing looks good I should get this” and then it struck me, I don’t have a dog. It struck me I keep forgetting my Snowy has gone forever. It broke my already broken heart to million more pieces.

I miss my Snowy so much, some days it gets unbearable. When I see people walking their dogs, I feel like hugging their pets for I miss mine. God! It hurts so much.

Sometimes I dream a dream of him and that’s when it hurts the most because it feels so real and then I end up waking to a hole left by him. He was my life. He was Alfred to my Batman.

Dear Puppy,

I miss you so much that it hurts every single day…!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Rain is a good place to hide tears…!!!!

I feel sad like sad, sad…you know. I’m exhausted and I need weekend. I’m sleep deprived and all lost.

All I need is a hug…i miss my friends, I miss my snowy and I miss being okay…
Just one more day at Gotham and then I can die on my bed for two days.

If only you could buy hugs in the stores or find them hanging on tress…if only. Honestly, I don’t even know what made me cry. Wasn’t a bad day. Nothing happened.

Guess I need sleep. Real bad.

Goodnight world!!!!

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The cats have stopped visting us…Little is :( !!!

Just an update- San Francisco and Arizona have stopped visiting us. I miss San Francisco  cause she was a regular, she would come everyday and be all bossy for food.

Leaving few pics of friends i made on my trip…The Black one is ‘Jack Black’ and the brown one is ‘BB’…

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Meet San Francisco and Arizona…!!

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The 3 pictures above are of San Francisco…who comes to our door and starts all MEOW loud and high, till we give her milk…but she is too shy for anyone of us to stay around. We have to put the milk in the bowl and walk few feet back or go back inside, only then she comes out of the hiding place of her. Yes, she has a hiding place, the moment we get her the milk she runs behind a small water tank and keeps looking at us. We go and she come out for her food.

And down below is Arizona. She ain’t no scared or shy. She walks with us to her bowl, waits for her milk and then drinks all happy.

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So, i have a cat named San Francisco…!

When i was this tiny little, very tiny, girl i had a cat. She wasnt like a regular pet, she used to come visit us every other day and a friend and i used to give her milk, play with her and then she used to walk away. She used to come whenever she was hungry. We named her “Dimple”. I dont know remember much about how we named her, who named her and what made her be friends with us. I was in 1st grade. Like 1991.

So, funny thing is, for past few weeks a cat has been visiting us almost daily. I dont know how it started but i think this cat was coming every other day and my mom (who doesn’t like cat much) left a bowl of milk for her outside. And now she is a regular visitor and we give her milk. She is super cute, tiny brown thing that i want to hug but she doesn’t let me get close.

I named her San Francisco. I dont know what’s weird the fact that i have a CAT or that i named her/him San Francisco.

Weird for its like Deja Vu…

It gets interesting because now there are two cats, San Francisco has a friend or a relative who also sometimes visits us for milk. I named that one Arizona.

I think i want to grow old as that lady who has lots of cats and dogs…

Today, i googled on a local animal shelter because i want to go do some donation…Man! i miss my love Snowy so much.

Leaving you guys with super duper cute Minions movie…love minions…

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