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So, if you know me then you also know how hard it is for me to be in a wedding. I don’t like going to weddings not just cause they are too loud and crowded (BTW- Indian weddings are fun if you are not me), but also cause you (me) have to talk to relatives you (me) avoid all the time.
I’m so allergic to weddings that I often end up with symptoms like panic attacks or anxiety or simple Hulk syndrome, where all I want to do is turn green and make that legendary hole-in-wall punch.
Relatives- How are you? How’s it going? What are you doing lately? You never visit or call? When are you getting married? You have to get married now and give us chance to come to your wedding.
Me- Im fine. How are you? Working same place ( where I’ve been working for past 8 years). Just busy. (All the while smiling, looking around for an excuse to escape and working hard to not explode with the invisible panic attacks.)
In short, I’m not a fan of weddings. Nope, don’t like dressing up, have no answers to any questions from uncles and aunts who are probably busy wondering how awesome their daughter or son is compared to me, do not like the loud Punjabi music that I need a dictionary for and, yep, I definitely do not enjoy being the prey for those gazing around, like a hawk to tear me up, with those you-are-next eyes.
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I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.
I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me. Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.
This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.
I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.
There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.
So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.
Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.
P.S leaving you with pictures of the day
After a long time I have come to terrace of our building. Once my favorite place, this area is now hurting me forcing me to go downstairs.
Its reminding me of Snowy. He liked being here and I enjoyed clicking his pictures as we both sat here looking at the sky.
From here I can the hills, the temple and the hospital where I was. The green view is all clear and worth spending time here. But its a sad place too because it triggers memories. Snowy, college days and the early year of shifting to this house.
Th best time to come here is when it has rained. The view is mindblowing, the clouds, hills and the trees. Although you can also see concrete jungle and a domino of buildings around but when you look up and see ahead, you forget where you are standing.
If only I had Snowy with me right now. I miss you baby, miss you so much.
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Tonight i plan to sleep before 12 and thus i will not give you words but random pictures…i need to sleep because dawn or no dawn, darkness or light, happiness or tears…no matter what i still love myself and i think im awesome and dying because of lack of sleep is not how a super hero goes down…
P.S – My count for posts has crossed 300…how crazily awesome is that?
Leaving you guys with a song i once loved so much. Today i accidentally stumbled upon it on my phone during shuffle mode.