We are, what we are, what we always will be…Ignorant!!!!

Ignorance is what makes people with mental illness suffer more; not theirs but our ignorance towards the subject.

Why do I say that? Someone in Gotham was talking to me about BiPolar. It was a small, silly and ordinary conversation but when it was over I felt sad. Not many people know what depression or mental disorders like BiPolar, PTSD, BPD is, not that it should be a part of our school textbooks but not knowing the thing is one reason we never understand someone who actually goes through it.

For example, I have stomach issues directly caused by my messed up head and also because I was a bad eater once. Now, when I am usually in a situation where I want to avoid something for my stomach or I’m having a bad stomach day, for no reason, I often get to hear things like ‘That’s all in your head’. Dude! That always hits me below the belt. Never for once a person who knows acid reflux or anxious stomach would ever say that ‘Metal taste? Oh that’s so crazy just eat something sweet’

So, when you meet someone with mood swings, totally unexplainable, never call that person crazy or something like ‘You need a good day out’. Don’t you think that person has tried everything from good day, good song, good movie to every other effin good thing available. Some pain and hurt and sadness are not made up by that person. They are there.

Just few days back, 2-3 people around me were making fun of a guy saying things like ‘O he is so gay’. I was there, I was suppose to pitch in something and I felt so ashamed of being there and not being able to tell them how insanely insensitive and wrong it is to joke like that. I wanted to turn around say, you mister are a male whore, you lady are an effin loser and you sir are also a loser in capital letters. I didn’t. I swear I wanted to so badly but I’m a coward or more or less I’m just one of them. So, I just pretended to be busy and asked why they think he was gay and as soon as the topic shifted, I excused myself and walked away. You know, we are what we are and will always be…Ignorant.

If you and I make fun of someone’s weight, height, health, pain, moods, sexuality, color or accent, it’s not their fault…it’s our…our ignorance towards them and the thing we think is so weird about them.

P.S Just ignore my rant and enjoy this beautiful song

And i thought i was ignoring words…!!!!

So it seems we might not going for the wedding. Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy about it but since the reason I’m not going is because my dad has got viral and he isn’t well, I dont really think it makes me happy. I rather be at that wedding than be at home because he isn’t well.

I was watching this episode of Castle where Beckett ends up with a case that brings out her PTSD and she has hard time dealing with it. Episode shows Beckett with her therapist and I was like wow I could do with a session like that. Would that help? Nope but what the heck I can at least talk and not worry about the guy or about being judged, after all he is getting paid to sit and listen.

I seriously wonder how therapy sessions and medicine help a person; I don’t think it can help me. But on the other hand, I don’t think I have that kind of depression. So I read a chapter from Jane Doe today and realized two things. A- I need more content more pages more words B – I think I can write okay and I think I’m a not so bad writer. I may not be Ernest Hemingway, but I can write decent not-great but decent. Anyhow, that’s what I think.

It’s getting cold and I’m not sure how do I feel about that. I have been a person who hates summer but winter isn’t my favorite season either. I prefer monsoon. Rain and rain.

When I was young, as in teenager kind young, I had this thing that if I ever get to choose my way of leaving the world. I would want to exit like Leonardo di caprio’s Titanic character Jack. Why? Well he died for love and right before he died he lived the most beautiful days of his life loving someone who loved him back. Yes I was sort of romantic once and then reality happened. I still am romantic but I find it difficult to actually show love when I’m busy fighting other emotions like anger or agony or panic and etc etc etc.

My body begs me to sleep but I think I won’t. I need a trip like a vacation…I need to pack my bags and get out of my city. I was going today but I don’t want to go to a wedding, I want to pack my bag and go to a city where the only purpose of my presence is sightseeing and eating all day. Anyhow, right now I’m looking forward to Christmas because around Christmas one of my oldest best friends is coming to this side of the country, which means I might get to see her. I miss her.

I’m so bored; I’m just writing random stuff. But to be honest I would love a real conversation right now. Only problem, I don’t have anyone to talk to at this time of the day.

Okay I think I should go…Goodnight world!