Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

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Note to 2014…I dig Happy Endings !!!!! – Part2

I know I’m supposed to be asleep by now, as per my resolution list. I did nothing from my list of things I want to do with New Year on the horizon, except evening jog in freakin cold weather.

I had four days off from Gotham and I can’t believe vacation is over. I don’t know if 2014 is going to be a great year, because I can never say that about any year. I can only hope it’s the year when I get Dawn. You know I felt the same about 2013 or 2012 but alas I am still waiting.

I don’t have speeches about how 2013 did things for me and how I expect amazing things from 2014, because at the end it’s me. I’m happy now, blue next moment. But yes, 2013 was a year with so much happening. It took Snowy from me something I would never forget no matter what year comes and goes. I lost a friend and 2013 would never leave my memory.

2013 was also the year, when I sent my story to publishing houses. That’s like crossing a check point in my bucket list. Yeah! I know I ain’t a published writer and might never be. But I took a step. Huge step. It’s like a big thing for me, to write and complete a novel and send it to a publication house. Big thing. Makes me feel proud of me. Only thing I have to cherish when it comes to my achievements because most of the time I’m drowning in self pity.

I don’t know if 2014 is going to good or bad…I do know I have another turn on my route to Dawn. I can only hope and have faith this turn would bring me closer to happiness, love, truth, freedom and myself.

I wanted to be so many thing when I was growing up, even a house wife at one point, but today right now all I want to be is Happy. And I would like to believe 2014 is the year I would get that…happiness.

I’m scared of 2014 like i was scared of 2013 or the year before, but lets just keep that between you and me and let 2014 think i am Awesome…!!!! 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you 🙂 😀

Time to be Batman again…!!!!

Two days of writing has been fun but now Monday stares at me with a mean look. I dont know why but im sort of excited about tomorrow, probably because am sending my story again to another publication house.

Though it was a good weekend and tomorrow is an important day, I feel sad rigth now. For no reason. I need a hug, I do.

Im not sleepy but I think I should go to bed for I dont want Gotham city to torture me. Goodnight world!!!!

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Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Sometimes a writer just needs one song, one right song…!!!!

It was just the kind of the day I needed, productive in terms of writing and super relaxing. It’s funny how my mind can make me do weird things. What is that? Well whole week I mentally worked on my new story, had even written one chapter and was dying to work more on it during weekend. And then on Friday I’m listening to a song by Agnes Obel, when I end up playing a whole new story inside my head.

I have a whole new story, new script and characters ready to come out on paper. So here I’m writing on the new untitled story instead of the one I was suppose to work on. But it’s okay because this one won’t let me think of anything else. It’s all crazy but good. I’m writing since morning and it is calming me down, making me all better and happy. The kind of week I had, I needed something good and writing this story is kind of fixing me.

Though I wish I would just go out for a while, I do but, I mean to the city. I need a haircut, I’m avoiding it. I have few errands in city, I’m avoiding them. I’m like a vampire who won’t leave the house because I don’t have my sunlight ring.

Anyhow, another good thing about the day is the fact that I have found my next publication house. Well fingers crossed, again. I will keep doing this again and again till I end up succeeding. And I will; I would like to believe for I have no options. Like Meg Ryan’s character Karen Emma Walden says “No Surrender”. I am not giving up, not yet. I don’t know if you have seen this movie people, but if not then make Courage Under Fire your next movie.

Its late, I should go now. O I can’t believe Saturday is over. You know what I want for my birthday next month? Of course, an acceptance letter. How cool would that be?

Goodnight World!

Well, atleast, im not Nadal, hope im not Federer either…!!!!

Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.

Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.

So things that have happened, good ones:

I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.

So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.

Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.

Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.

Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.

Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.

Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.

I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.