What do you call a superhero fighting bad guys with a white cape? Moron-Man!!!

A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.

Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.

So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.

Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.

I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.

Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.

The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.

I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.

EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…

It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.

I don’t believe in me anymore.

Dear Voices,

Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.

If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t  survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’

You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.

Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.

Little

I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…

 

History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

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