Letter to a fictional character…!!!!

There is something about lead characters who, even with the responsibility of saving the day, are as broken, scared and fickle as any other character…they feel so real…you can’t trust a protagonist with no guilt or fear…

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Life is funny…

Saddest thing in life is when you have a person yet you can’t open up, cause things are too dark, real and twisty to talk about even in front of someone who loves you for who you are.

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Sadness is an organ, for some people are born with it…

I just saw “The Hours” and it was heavy, intense and beautiful but in a sad way. Did i like it? I sure did. Because, i don’t know if it sounds weird but, i could relate to it in many ways. It is a sad thing to say i guess because no one should ever relate with a movie like that, but i do.

Truth is i wasn’t planning to watch the movie, i had Jodie Foster’s The Brave One ready for my movie night but i ended up watching this. I wanted to read the book first.

Sometimes when a story reminds me of what life really is and what life really never would be, i feel bad cause a troubled character in a story is in the end just a character, a fictitious person, but I’m for real.

Once upon a time, Little was happy and kind…!!!!

Some days i feel like im the bad guy in everyone’s life. I was once a beautiful person with a kind heart, now only anger, bitterness and darkness lives inside me.

Some days i try to imagine how different my life would have been if i was born like everyone else. Honestly, i dont know if i want to be anyone else. Being different, being me and being a someone with a 24/7 heartache is kind of sad, heavy and sometimes unbearable, but i cant imagine myself as someone else. I don’t mind the darkness and pain but i wish i could just tame down the anger and outburst.

I just want to be me, without any apoligies

Truth is there is no miracle for me, but i cant help imagining a world where I’m free, I’m  happy, I’m 100% me and I’m real.

Not because i was shy…!!!!

Dear Diary,

How are you?

Do you still carry?

All the words

I wrote to you

Is the world

Inside

Still has the girl

Who used to hide?

From every face

Every eye

Not because

She was shy.

Do you keep

Those secrets

I scribbled

With hate

And anger

Of being lonely

Different

& ugly

I hope not.

Every thought

I wrote

Wasn’t real

But the fear

Those tear

Drops on the corner

Of blotted ink

Were a different

Story

Of pain and worry

Friends i lived with.

I remember diary

Very clearly

I was lonesome

A forlorn little

Girl

There were some

Confessions

Many painful expressions

You listened

You took them all

With you there

Was no wall.

I hope

Its safe

The confession made

The secrets said

The truth whispered

The darkness shared.

You knew me well

You knew both

Hyde & Jekyll

Living inside me

For i was never free

Of pretending

Smiling & nodding

When all i wanted

Was to be mend

For i was broken

Fallen

Pieces of dejection

Seeking affection

For the other me

The one hidden

Behind the smiles

Driven

Miles

Away from everyone.

For no one

Gets it

I think

I wrote

All that

& more.

Are there any

Happy words?

Maybe not many

But a few threads

Of peachy lines

Saying things like

Im fine

Sky is blue

Trees are green

World is not

Always mean.

Diary

There is no way

I never wrote of

A happy day

Im sure i did

I remember

Smiling & dreaming

Or were they

Dreams for real

Not a memory

Scribbled down

Among the many

Frowns

I drew

On you.

Diary i need

You to read

Me

Few of those

Love songs

I wrote

In the world

Of right and wrongs

I fell

Hard in love

Broken

From toe to above

I was happy & in pain

For i saw rain

Of sorrow & ache

A heart so broken

No one wants to take.

I loved

But truth was shoved

Down my head

You follow the thread

Not a step away

So i did

I hid

Inside your arms

Holding your face

Diary you were my saving grace.

For i had a journey

Of a withering tree

Standing tall

Yet not free

In you i was hiding

From the big blue sky

Not because i was shy…!!!!!

hAPPY & bLUE…sO WHAT’s New?

So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!

Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.

Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.

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2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things  people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.

I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.

So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.

Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.

It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.

Goodnight world!

Little was a sunshine today…call the paparazzis…!!!

Today things changed, I woke up happy and smiley. Drove to work happy, singing out loud in my car, while enjoying the lovely rain. I was working with a smile on my face all day, even when I ended up in a 4 hours long meeting with my back aching I was happy. I thought this is it now my going to sulk but I didn’t; I walked out of Gotham happy. Bought me ice-cream and drove home singing along Sara Bareilles.

This is what freedom does to you. The thought of freedom made me a sunshine all day and I almost died of happiness because Friday night is here.

Right now I’m sitting all alone in my room with laptop and headphones feeling so much better, so much. Right now, right here I’m all real, all true and all me…no pretenses.

Today we, my family and I, were discussing Snowy. We were talking about him remembering his funny moments, how naughty he was his usual habits and how he used to run out of the house when our mom used to go out. He loved her a lot and would sit on the door all day to wait for her to come back, whenever she wasnt home. I found it easy this time, to talk about him. I usually can’t talk about him. Even mentioning his name can bring tears to my eyes. But it felt good to talk about him and smile at the memories.

So I’m going to leave you with Glee version of Soul Sister for I love glee and Darren Criss is awesome.

I’m missing Glee, probably because I have just watched so many of its songs on Youtube. This show will always be special to me. Will spend some more time with Glee’s amazing musical numbers.

Got to go now. Goodnight world!

Award nominations…!!!!

Past few weeks haven’t been easy on me and its now exact one month since Snowy left me which has totally broken me; only i know what his absence means because no one knows how i have been having dreams of him coming back. Woke up to one this morning, felt so real and crazy part it was like an inception kinda dream where i was dreaming withing the dream. Told you my mind has ability to watch all kinds of dreams, this is not the first time.

Okay! so i have missed on many blogs and then there are few award thank yous pending too which i will acknowledge today.

Thank you my friend Tazeinmirzasaad for not one but two award nominations. How cool is that?

The Versatile Blogger Award versatile

 

Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness  epicallyawesomeaward

 

Yes! both of these amazing award nominations for me. 🙂 Thankyou Tazein you have always been kind and inspiring.

Now im suppose to tell 7 things about me nominate 15 people…for my first award nomination. And tell 10 some awesome things while nominating 10 people for my next award. This is kind of tricky but i will try.

17 Facts –

1. I am writing two stories and wish to make movie on one.

2. I love anything with checks..my favorite pattern.

3. I hate to lose in chess but i have lost purposely twice.

4. I cant stand a crowded place, any crowded place.

5. I love books more than their movie versions.

6. I want my mom to try the omelet i make but she is vegetarian.

7. I am scared of sitting behind a two wheeler.

8. When i was in school, i had this habit of playing Britney Spears songs again and again using rewind and forward on my walkman, so i could write down exact lyrics.

9. I used to love making mix tapes when there was no internet, mp3 players and youtube.

10. I love looking at old pictures and reading old diary pages.

11. I love to buy plain black tshirts.

12. If i could, i would buy a pair of canvas in every color.

13. I sometimes like to close my eyes and picture a story in my head.

14. I am very curious when it comes to UFO and aliens and life on other planets.

15. I love to travel by bus and trains more than planes.

16. I like to keep the left side of my bed empty at night, because i like to tell myself Snowy would hate to see his corner of the bed ruffled.

17. If i could i would love to relive following years of my life 2001-2002, 2004- 2005, 2007-2010.

So now i would like to nominate all of you, everyone. Yay!