Some days I’m so angry at everything and everyone that its hard to remember that I’m turning 30 and not 13. Its crazy, you don’t go rebellious and angry at this stage but I guess the voices in my head are living in denial. I’m just glad I was never this angry when I was a teenager, because I’m fairy sure that would not have gone well.
There have been days when I have slept thanking myself for not listening to me about punching the door or the table or the wall or any other piece of furniture around cause I’m not a real hulk, angry yes but not hulk strong.
So, today I watched Inside Out movie and while I was sitting there watching it I realized something ‘Somebody made a movie on the voices’. I wanted to laugh out loud (I cant use LOL. I’m old I guess) but I had people around. Movie was good but the fact that it was about voices inside the head made me love it even more. I’m pretty sure the ones inside mine are feeling like movie stars today. Now I know who controlled my day today the little red guy, I just hope tomorrow its Joy’s shift, the pretty one with pixie cut. For some reason the red and blue ones have taken my console, wonder where is the jumpy fairy with blue hair.
Enough of me and my anger issues, leaving you guys with a good song. I’ve recently discovered Ben Howard and he is amazing.
Being young, crazy, uncontrollable and rebellious is not hard to get. Everyone goes through it. I am 28 and i still think i haven’t grown up enough to be a good person so i don’t think i can judge anyone and ask them to grow up. But Miley Cyrus makes me wonder what’s wrong with us.
I was never a Hannah Montana fan or never was fan of Miley’s music but her behavior still makes me worry because she was once (i so hope its WAS) a big star for our little ones. The young girls who loved Hannah Montana, who sang Miley’s funky pop songs. Like i said i don’t care about Miley on personal level, not my kind of music person, but when i see her doing what she is doing my thoughts go back to my two nieces who bought Hannah Montana school bags and Hannah Montana wallets. I hope they don’t get to see what their favorite Disney star has turned into.
Because i know how, when we are young, we love to dress up or act like a celebrity we love or adore. But when you are someone people look up to, you need to know you have an influence on those who follow you.
Like that quote by Uncle Ben from Spiderman:
“With great power comes great responsibility.”
Guess, nobody told this (or anything at all) to Miley . She could use someone with few do’s and dont’s for her because we all need someone (even the sanest of us) to steer us when going off the road.
Leaving you with a beautiful song by Mandy Moore from “A walk to remember”
I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.
I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.
Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.
How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:
“You know you should grow your hair”
“Why don’t you wear heel?”
“Wow? You never wore mascara?”
“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”
“So do you have a boyfriend?”
“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”
I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.
I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.
I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me. Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.
When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.
The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.
You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.