Some days i feel nothing, nothing at all no pain, no anger, no happiness, nothing. I don’t even feel the fear anymore.
Sitting next to a window with rain pouring inside, i smoked my fourth cigarette of the day because i didn’t know what else to do. Weather man on the radio had predicted a thunderstorm but then again i had no intention of going out, not now, not ever. I was born in a mansion but this room apartment made me feel richer than i ever was in that house of 20 rooms.
The sudden flash of lightening blinded me for a second and i looked back wondering if i should close the window, but she was asleep like a baby, unaware of the storm outside. Her face brought a smile to my face and i felt tears streaming out. I threw my cigarette, closed the window and walked up to the bed and closed the bed side light. I lied there next to her looking at her tired pale face, she looked exhausted. I knew it was not going to be like this forever, i knew one fine day i won’t get to be around her but i didn’t know what to do.
I never talked about it with anyone but her; she would often tell me how i should move on with life. And every time she spoke, it didn’t felt that bad. She would say,
“All you have to do is live”
“i am living” i would reply
“But not like this, you have to follow your dreams and fall in love”
And i would slowly add “Again” to her sentence with a cracking voice which would make her cry.
Every night i would close my eyes wondering if tonight’s the night, every morning i would wake up crying because i still had her. Joy can be more painful sometimes, which is hard to understand.
Last night I saw Jodie Foster’s Little Man Tate. Its a beautiful movie. Just what I expected from Jodie Foster for she is a brilliant brilliant brilliant, actor and a director.
Its a touching movie that makes you smile and cry and feel the characters, while being happy to have stumbled upon it. The complexity of a gifted six year old kid’s mind who feels different because he is too smart for his age, the love of a single young mother who may not be the smartest thing in the world but who knows that she loves her son and the way they are connected despite being so opposite.
Such a beautiful work by her and the kid who plays Fred Tate. You rarely get to see such good movies now. Last weekend I saw Winona Ryder’s “When love is not enough-the Lois Wilson story” and she was brilliant too.
Is always refreshing to see a well made movie with a concept so touching. But sometimes even some of the best actors tend to give you a movie not so nice. Today I went to theatre to watch Prisoners and it was a sad scene. Mark wahlberg directed movie with Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal as the big names in the cast, yet I didnt get that feeling that I want to watch it one more time. Here is the thing if a movie makes you want to watch it one more time, its a movie well made. Like Little Man Tate.
Prisoner is made on a simple concept of a young girl getting kidnapped, worried father doing everything to find her and cops looking for who did it. I once saw a movie (coincidently Mark Wahlberg was the actor) based on same theme and it was titled Lovely Bones, but this one was handled so beautifully that it made me feel the pain of a parent and anger for the actor who played the bad guy. Prisoner was more confusing that emotional.
So its monday now and I wish I could get one more day off but thats not going to happen.
I have decided to cut down on my tv shows now, its difficult but am going to try. I have been ignoring reading and it makes me guilty.
Happy and safe Monday to you and me…
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Last night I slept at 5am and I don’t even know if I should say ‘last night’ because it was almost morning. I feel better, I should be feeling groggy but I feel good because I’m doing things that I like, Im keeping my mind busy thus no thinking.
Good thing, I worked on Jane Doe today and after I post I’m going back to the story. I have plans tomorrow but something is asking me to stay home and write. I don’t know if you know but I like ABBA, so today I’m listening to ABBA and Brandi Carlile. O how I wish I could just stay home like this every day, listen to music and write. No work, no Gotham.
Funny thing happened, my brother told me he might have had a breakup and I was like what happened. He said his girlfriend was angry that he doesn’t give her time and he was like ‘do girls really break up for that? I was just busy’. I was laughing because he was asking me. My friend calls me when she needs relationship advice and my brother discussing his break up (by the way there was no breakup, the girl was just angry and he thought they broke up)…strangely people find me on their radar when looking for advice. How? When did they see me in a relationship, leave alone a happy one. It was funny when I told him “yes brother, girls do get angry if you do not give them time”.
That’s why I think I can be great at relationships if I want to have one. Right now, I’m just involved with my stories, my music, my fiction and my issues. That’s the closet to having a relationship I’m right now.
I know I have Dominique and Jane Doe to complete but my mind is already thinking about another story concept. Just an idea that came to me yesterday but all I do is think and let it sit aside. I have to finish Jane Doe because I want to show it to my friends. Dominique is my personal project and won’t leave my eye sight so I can work on it at a slow pace too. Dominique is only for my eyes.
Today and tomorrow I will complete a major part of Jane Doe. I hope I end up wrapping it up soon and proudly show it to people around me.
From tomorrow I also plan to start with the workout thing, because I need to. My mind went all dark and twisty last week scaring me. I think I’m awesome but I also know I have tendency of being a moron.