Hi my name is Little and I’m an addict…only I dont do drugs

No I dont do drugs, not a drinker and never smoked a pot but I’m addicted to stories in Tv Shows, books and movies. My latest addiction is The Fosters and I’m in love with the show and every single person in that show. I cant go back to my book or my stories because I cant get myself away from the The Fosters Marathon. It brings a smile to my face. I love Lena and Steph and Jude and Mariana and Jesus and even the reckless & in love Brandon & Callie.

Sometimes when I read a book or watch a show with a story that has heavy human emotions, relationships, drama and all hardcore family or friendship element, I kind of wish I could just close my eyes and step inside the story, to live it & to be one of them.

Because fiction is the only place where its okay to be the messed up one.

And I love love love this song from the show…

people closest to you are the last ones to see you…

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong to a place? I feel it all the time. Like i don’t belong to this time, this place, this era and this world im living in. Sounds like a movie dialogue like but that’s the fact with me. Maybe its because im not like anyone i know or anyone around.

Never met you, but i love you, i do…!!!

Searching for you

i look around

a part of me

begs you to be found,

for i miss you

never met you

but i do,

i imagine us

you and me

spending every day

together

every season

every weather,

fighting

and falling

in love

i call your name

i dont know you

but i want to

i have met you

dreamt of you

but never seen you

or held you,

i imagine us

you and me

we

having happy times

singing in rhymes

our own love song

building our own

rights and wrongs,

i try to picture

a small place of ours

filled with cards

signed ‘All yours’,

You and me

hung on the wall in frames

smiling

hugging

kissing

like we are meant to be,

deeply

in love

high above

down in sea

everywhere

anywhere

you and i

forever

for always,

so says

my heart

that

never met you

yet

it still beats for you…!!!!

 

Truly Yours…!!!!

me

She is ready

To explode

She is greedy

For a road

To healing

Where is the sun

She ask

The darkness

She bask

Upon

Her mess

Is bleeding her

Of every little smile

Every little hope while

She keeps walking

Into walls

Her ground

Has moved underneath

Silence is the sound

She hears

Even when she screams

Scared of dreams

She hates to sleep

So she weeps

Wondering what is wrong

Why nothing helps

Not even her favorite song

She walks she falls

She gets ups she crawls

But it’s too dark

To see ahead

She can’t feel her head

It hurts everywhere

Her eyes burn

While she hears a sobbing heart

Inside somewhere…!!!!

Today i said hello to Dominique & i feel peaceful right now…!!!!

When i write i feel good about myself, irrespective of everything. Right now i feel peaceful, calm and little happy. Presenting an unedited chapter from Dominique that i just worked on….

 

I could feel tears rolling down as i sat there looking at Anne, who and Mike were probably the only people who wanted me out of this place. And Abbey, who just gave up all her peace of mind to help me because somewhere deep down she feels she owes me but she didn’t.

 
“Promise me” i wiped the tears and took Anne’s hand in my hand. She couldnt look at me, as she tried her best to not fall into pieces. She was what my mother could never be and i loved Mike for marrying the perfect woman.

 
“Mike and you are the only family i have. If tomorrow they make me stay here i want you take care of Mike and yourself for me. Without you he would be lost. I want you to take care of you for me, please.” she knew and so did i that there was noway i was going to get away with what i did. i wasn’t just charged for mass murder, i was charged for possible kidnapping.

 
“Dont say that” She wiped her tears and looked straight at me with tired red yes. It was evident she hasn’t had been sleeping well which wasn’t good. “Hey, you will get out of here. Abbey said she wont let you go down. i trust her, i trust you. I need you to be okay Dom, Mike wont survive this one. i never saw him this broken, not even when…” she paused and looked away. Not even when they lost their baby. Where was i when they needed me? why wasn’t i around? My search for Kristine took away so much from me, just because i wanted her to be alive i believed she was and maybe she was, only i couldn’t find her.

 
“I am not giving up hope, not yet” Anne got up as the guards motioned visitors to leave.

 
“Tell Mike i love him” i smiled at her. My sweet Anne, just wont give up no matter how hard life has had been to her. She forgot and locked away all her pain of losing a baby, to get Mike out of the loss he felt.

 
I walked back to my cell clutching the picture Anne had brought along with her to give me, maybe she thought it would give me hope. i climbed on my bed and stared at the picture till it hurt. It was taken in hospital, when i broke my leg falling off the bridge, Mike, Anne, Tim and Kristine were all hugging me with balloons and flowers in my  hand.

 
“Hey, nobody spoils this one” I could still hear Kristine bossing around. I hugged the picture and closed my eyes to save the day in my mind. i could still see it like it was yesterday. When and how life came to this, it was hard to tell. I had no regrets , i knew if i could i would go back and try to do the same. I had to find her, if she was alive.

 
All those nights spent believing that tomorrow was the day i was going to find her, i tried to think of ways to tell her about Tim. I tried to comfort myself dreaming of her getting angry at me for not saving Tim, for being the reason he went to that place at the first place. Thinking about her  hating me was in some odd way comforting because i knew that would also mean Kristine being alive and safe. I did everything i could but i failed, i failed her, i failed Tim who must be looking down at me and wondering why i couldn’t find one person i loved more than anything.

 
Tim tell  me what to do, tell me where to look for her. I did everything, i’m sorry  I cried myself to sleep because i knew what morning was going to bring.

 

I did not write this post, wasn’t me…seriously, not me.

I have a secret, no no no I’m not giving you the “why I’m blue and twisted” story…it’s a small secret. I’m hopeless romantic, I love romantic comedies and romantic songs, I would love to get married and the whole idea of writing a wedding vow is so touching to me…but I refuse to acknowledge this and after I writing this post I would easily deny I wrote this post.

A friend of mine asked me “what’s the best thing about love songs?”…I said they just add to the pile in your phone and destroy the memory card and finally you have to buy a new one”…she called me unromantic and we laughed. Let me tell you what I really would have said.

The best thing about love songs are they make you a happy person, remind you of what you feel for real and smile even when you are at the worst mood of your life because you just thought about one person you love the most. Love songs make me you see your lover everywhere even when you are living miles apart. Love songs are like medicine to any pain. Everyone has a love song, because they are like heart beat you have to have them around, in your life to feel alive, to feel the pulse inside you, to feel the happiness in life and to never forget the love you feel for someone special.

So I was watching Gossip Girl and this woman in the show was having trouble writing the wedding speech and I was like “why? Whoa! I can do it even though I m on the top of the list of “people who are going die alone with no true love”. How can you not write a wedding vow, it’s a crime to not feel love inside, if I can…anyone can.

I might never accept how much I love happy endings, idea of two people getting married, love stories, mushy love lines, sweet songs about love and whole concept of doing everything for happiness of one person, but denying it all doesn’t make it any less true.

That’s why I say dibs on love in next life, so I do not have to deny how much I love love songs…

I loved you then, love you now…!!!!

I loved you then,

I love you now

I want to stop

But don’t know how

You came and left

Like a season

Leaving me no reason

To wait for you

But I do

Like a landslide

Life brought me down

Took you from me

Left with a frown

And years of tears

I can’t wipe off my face

For you and me

Universe has no place

But I can’t let go

Of the dreams

I lived once

If only I could show

Scars and the pain

Of what I lost

And can never have again

I know

There is no happy ending

I know

I can’t go on pretending

What hurts will only grow

But I still dream of you

And me

I close my eyes to see

Us again like we were

Believing in forever

Because I did and still do

I loved you then

I love you now

I want to stop

But don’t know how…!!!!

Broken heart is better than a cursed one…!!!!

There are people I wish to meet at least once before I die, they are not big celebrities or some Oscar winning people. But they are people I wish to meet, because they are my heroes because they are what I wish to be but cannot be.

Sometimes when I am low and without any hope, I tell myself to smile because if I am not destined to have what I want, to live the way I want, I will born again. Somewhere in some other life, I will be the “me” I wish to be. Right now, I wish I could just ask someone, anyone to hug and not let me go even if I say so. Right now, I wish I could just speak and speak about things to anyone, someone.

Funny thing I had a pretty okay day, nothing happened to trigger this moment of “Right now” but then I guess I do know what happened. Anyhow, since I can’t get a hug and I can’t talk, I know what I will do.  I will make me a cup of tea, listen to some Brandi Carlile songs and sign-up for NaNoWriMo. I’m not sure when will I ever get used to the sudden attack of pain that comes and goes leaving me hurt.

While i was writing this, I get a call from my friend who was kind of angry at her boyfriend and at one point she said that “you are lucky, you are single”. Well I know from where she is standing my situation looks like a bliss, no relationship, no misunderstandings, no fights etc etc. I smiled and said something like “I don’t know how to answer that but I will tell you one thing, one day when you both will get out of the distance relationship and live in same city, you will be happy and lucky and never for once think being single is better”. I don’t know how to really answer questions where usually people say you must be so happy, you are single. I don’t know am I? Am I happy or lucky? I too went through love once, though many people won’t count it as love, I too had a heart break situation and I too long to find love again only I really can’t. It’s so messed up, funny thing I can’t tell so I say “yes! Its fun being single” or “you have no idea how lucky I’m” or “I know being single is so damn good man”.

Love is a word that hurts me like a dagger, because it’s not meant for me yet I can’t help and want it more than anything else.

I promise…!!!!

Even as I look at you walking on the aisle towards me I can’t help but go back to the day we met, the day you told me you love me and I turned you down, the day I realized I was in love with you, the day I thought I lost you and the day we kissed.

You are a story I will never forget, you are pillar I stand on and you are the face I wish to see every morning for the rest of my life. You are all I want and need for every second of everyday.

If I could say how thankful I’m, believe me it would take years and I don’t know if I would still be able to finish saying it. Fate brought us together, you kept us close and now as I take your hand I promise to keep us forever for thousand years and even more.

I promise to give you all the happiness you deserve, I promise to never let you cry, I promise to love till eternity and I give you myself forever my love. Even when I told you I don’t love you, I know I was lying because I could feel pain inside. Thank you my love for having me, for being crazily in love with me.

As I look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you and promise an honest “I Do”, I know there is nothing and no one I can love more. I see tears in your eyes and I feel them too, I know you are happy. I wish I could just say I love you but that would not sum up even a percent of what I feel for you. I LOVE YOU is the truth of me but it’s not even close to what I feel. Maybe someday I will make you feel it, till then I promise to write you a letter every day, a letter letting you know you are and will always be the center of my world, you are all my life, your absence even for a second hurts and I can give everything to wake up next to you every morning, with you smiling at me with those beautiful eyes that make me fall in love every day.

My dear, I promise to love you and promise to keep singing those 3 little words day and night.