Little needs Defibrillation…

I’m so glad I’m out of the zombie zone I was in, yesterday. Has happened before too and it always leaves me wondering how powerful a mind is, if it decides to shut down there is nothing you can do about it.

Lately, Gotham is going super busy which leaves me all exhausted by the end of the day which kind of is keeping me from blogging and from my latest resolution. I have decided to work on Jane Doe again, sort of re-work. I want to do changes, major ones to send it again and hopefully this time it would be more presentable.

I can’t work on Dominique, Crossroads, New York and the other untitled story I have in my laptop knowing I failed with Jane Doe. Knowing that I could still try to work on it, fix it, re-brush it and send it again. I keep thinking about how writing was my one true love; something I used to love doing no matter how crazy things have had been but now its one thing I can’t do. I don’t know if its the rejection of Jane Doe or the fact that my stories are not what people would like to read.

I only write about scarred souls, people with tragedy and revenge and death is often there. I like to write tragedy and I know I’m not a good writer, heck I’m not even a story teller. But I like to write. So, here I’m doing one thing that I like, write. I have decided to get back to Jane Doe, cause I want to believe trying one more time is what I need.

I might never get any of my work published but I don’t want to say I never tried. I don’t have much regrets in life, trust me. I mean my life is one hell of a drama but I have never done anything to regret except one or two stupid things. Not writing because I won’t make it would be a regret I don’t want in my resume of life.

Plus, this is one thing I need to do to stay sane, to stay alive…So i will write…

Scarred souls are the steering wheel of fictional dramas

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My headphones died on me…On a MONDAY…!!!! :(

So this is it. All my favourite shows are now on their seasonal break which means no Greys Anatomy, no Glee, no Revenge, no Castle and no Vampire Diaries for next few months. Am i sad? Maybe, a little. Am i okay? Very much..verry very much. Why? Because now i have got time to focus on reading and writing.

I have been spending so much time watching fictional characters im in love with that i have stopped reading and i dont remember when was the last time to i wrote my character. So this is my time to go back to my reading and writing. Though Dexter and PLL are coming back but i can manage one episode a week than whole week of Tv shows.

So how was Monday?

I dont know, i was lost after my headphones died and i had to go through the whole day without a song.

There is a girl next to me at work she was more worried than me, because she knows how glued im to my headphones…in fact it was her who made me notice last week how i went through a whole day without my headphones. That’s when i realised man it was a busy week.

Plus its 43-44 some degrees here and i think i should officially apologies to the weather God for saying i hate winters…for surely i can take winters.i love winters. i want winters. how i miss them. Bloody summer is killing my brain cells and its just the beginning.

A part of my mind works 24/7 placing happy placards infront of me..just in case…!!!!

Sometimes when im online and I browse through sites or blogs and see the big happy quotes, motivational words and inspirations words in big font, I smile and wonder how any of them can make any difference in my life.

Sure, being positive is always good and inspirational words always remind you that but truth is, its not meant for me. All the speeches in the world cant do a thing for me, believe me when i say that. Eventually im meant to sink and even if I do place happy & motivational posters in my room, all over my bed, I cant deny they are not meant for me.

Well, I just saw an episode of Revenge and man I had tears, like real tears, in my eyes. Never thought I would cry watching an episode of Revenge. Still sad.

I have to go now, my book is calling me but then I wonder if it’s a good idea to read at 1 am. I mean I have Gotham tomorrow and im already too low on my sleep quota.

 

This isnt for me..

This isnt for me..

But this one maybe...

But this one maybe…

Who doesn’t like to smile? i do, despite the fact that im used to being blue i like smiling and being awesome. But i wont deny the fact that it wont help me when i will wave the white flag.

 

Date night with Fiction…!!!!

I watched Vampire Diaries and then 2-3 episodes of Gossip Girl, now I’m on break checking my blog before I go back to my episode marathon. I have Grey’s anatomy, Glee, Revenge, PLL waiting for me. What crazy? No no no, I assure you this isnt crazy. This is just a means of stopping crazy to get to me.

Anyhow, before I go back to my date with fiction I thought I will tell you how I survived the day. Well, simple some music, some more music and more. Every time I found myself slipping into blues, I did the self pep talk. Telling myself I was doing well, the smile was perfect and its just few hours to go. Truth is at one point when the clock said just 2 hours more; I actually found myself happy which is nice because I kind of don’t remember what happy spells like.

Singers like Ke$ha don’t give my kind of songs, but they do give music that gets you through a Friday. So I successfully survived the day and now I’m back in my room broken and hurt. That’s why so many episodes, because I want to live in a world that doesn’t hurt. I want to get lost in stories, characters, fiction and a different world.

I think it’s the whole mood thing, I’m having too much of doughnut, chocolate, Nutella and anything that is sweet. Not good. Not good. God! I need to quite chocolate and start working out again. Monday I will do just the same, but till then I have a recovery phase to go through.

So I’m going to work on my stories and listen to as much music as possible, stay lazy and dirty.

To Me,

It’s okay to fall. Even when you are down and blue, you smell of awesomeness. It’s okay to hurt. It might not get better but you are a good person.

Myself

See, this is what I do. I talk to myself and try to pick myself from the ground, but sometimes its take time. I am going to crash and burn every thinking cell in my brain with all night episode so I go to sleep with no, whatsoever, recollection of last two days. I can’t afford to think that makes me sad.

Before I go there is a post I want to share you guys:

http://renatafbarcelos.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/indiesforward-what-if-you-couldnt-promote-your-own-book/

I hope, wish, someday i would get to feel the rush one gets by getting his/her own book published.

Goodnight World!

my friend said you are too obsessed with fiction, i (silently) replied it gives me hope…!!!!

Have you ever had a moment, when you absolutely know what you want but are 100% sure nothing and no one can make it happen? I live with this moment every second of everyday, which is why I prefer to hide behind layers of lies and pretenses.

Well I managed to survive Monday without a hitch but now as I sit alone in my couch, looking at the time and thinking few hours of rest before I wake up and wear a smile again, I can’t help but wonder how these few 8-9 hours of my night-time are the only hours I’m true, honest and myself.

“I’m the ghost of the girl that I want to be the most” are just lyrics but sometimes it’s like my reality. I wish magical land, fairytales were true, and wish there was a potion to make everything perfect and okay. But, the only time I see okay is when I’m dreaming a happy dream which happens rarely. Even my dreams are mean to me most of the time. I don’t know why I’m so blue right now, probably it’s because truth sometimes like to sit next to me and not leave till am annoyed to the core, broken to the bone and torn apart like dried leaf blown away by wind. And it was one of those days when I was living under the cloud of reality, when even fiction and music couldn’t make me feel safe. A part of me wants to write and work on my stories, so i cant just get lost in a different world, but its too late and i have Gotham in morning.

Good thing, Revenge is back, PLL is here too and hopefully other shows will return too by this week.

Truth never sets you free; it just throws you somewhere you can’t get out of…!!!!

When life throws a good day…because it hates sulky opponents…!!!!

Right now my head is spinning, i cant think straight. Wanted to sleep early but had to watch Revenge. But cant do no more. Last night i slept at 4 am trying to fix my NaNo speed and today was a perfect but tiring day, excitement can be exhausting. I can barley feel anything right now, except an urge to fall dead till morning.

Today i had lunch plans with my best friend and now that day is over i’m already missing her. i have lots of friends, good friends and even best friends but she is like my elder sister. Its like having her around makes me feel safe because she is one of the reasons i stay away from the dark and twisted door of my life, which i often end up reaching out to only to step back and walk away.  I miss her and often when she is in town i end up being the hyper kid who just met her Super Hero.

Her visit has actually thrown me back into festive mode, because clearly for past two days i have been having hard time keeping me from breaking and falling into pieces. I think life was getting bored with my sulky face and who likes to play and screw up with someone who says “white flag”?

Have to go now, no NaNo tonight because if i didnt sleep now i guarantee there will be no more writing left to do with a brain damaged to the core. My obsession with NaNo is just my stubbornness to prove myself that i am more than a lost soldier with a battle that’s not even meant to be won. I wish to finish Jane Doe to tell myself that irrespective of everything i still have something i can be proud of, my writing.

Now that im happy i would like to switch off my brain and get refreshed for two days of writing, hopefully i will do.

Some people are sent to your life because God knows you can’t make it to the end on your own. If you can find one person who knows almost everything about you and still accepts you and loves you, well you must ave done something right while doing all the wrongs.

Thankyou!

 

Super Heroes can fall too, but they are still Super Heroes…!!!!

My last tag line on my BBM (Before my mobile company ditched me like a lover who cares no more) was lyrics from a Glee song “hit me with the worst you got n knock me down, I don’t care”. Now see here I was just singing a song I wasn’t serious. Life thought “wow challenge accepted”. Life turns into Barney Stinson and turns into a finicky little creature whose main agenda of the day, apart from other things, also included sending something my way. A fever that started on Saturday night ended up being a major trouble. I’m okay now, lot better but what I went through and I’m still going though is not easy to explain. While doctor made me give blood test and urine test to see if I have Malaria only to later tell me it’s just viral, I realized it’s some kind of infection. Life had suddenly become the scene from Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman 2 where he loses his powers midair and falls down hard.

Super Heroes can fall too..

In short, all I can say, it has been a very painful week, sleepless nights and so much of mental-physical exhaustion. The pain and exhaustion is still there and won’t go for few days. But I’m better now; after all I’m a Super Hero. Yes yes I know you know but I thought saying it again might make me smile. So I’m a Super Hero. Good news I’m better today like “wow I don’t have fever today” better. I hope it’s a sign of recovery and not just another joke. In past few days I discovered another awesome show (thanks to my awesome fellow Gleek and blogger friend Pia) named The New Normal. It’s a new show and so awesome. I love it. Okay so now I have it all, this new show, Glee is back; Grey’s is back and on Sunday I get to welcome Revenge and Dexter. Even HIMYM is back. Nikita is on its way too. PLL is still far away, but I guess I have my plate full. Yay! Do you know what day is today? Thursday I know but it’s not just any Thursday…it’s the day when I find out if Shonda Rhimes has killed anyone again. Technically I will find it on Friday because of the time difference. I can wait, in fact tomorrow night is going to be LEGEND-wait for it…man this line never gets old- DARY because I will have Greys and Glee for my Friday night party with myself. Awesome. Sadly I won’t have any ice-cream this time or another fun thing to eat because I ain’t well enough. Got to go now, have one more day of Gotham before I rest nonstop for two days. This week I have literally ignored Gotham, just couldn’t go. Goodnight world!

You know Kitty im not really sick…my super powers are just taking a break…!!

Internet on, mobile service gone…is this where i use LOL?

For past 2 hours I have been surfing through other blog posts, the ones i missed, checked my own comment and like section. So much I missed on. But I’m back (hopefully) and it feels good. Blogging has become my addiction, really don’t know when and how this happened. One fine day I turned into a blogger from a diary girl.

So for past few days everything is so funny in my life, I couldn’t get me a haircut, my internet won’t work, busy routine and now my mobile phone company has disconnected my services. Okay I know I should have paid, but dude really…it’s just a bill of two months. I miss my Blackberry

I will not be writing much today, because it’s really late and I have work tomorrow. Gotham is becoming busier and busier day by day. Tomorrow I also have to take care of a Dutch intern. Okay now my mental notepad is writing down things to do. Crap! I am hungry at 2 am. Maybe I can have a bite of mars and snickers pudding sitting in the corner of my friend, waiting for my attention.

Internet is back, Glee is back, Revenge-Greys-HIMYM-PLL in queue, weekend almost here and it has been raining like cats and dogs for past two days now…everything is coming back to normal.

Dear Me,

Life is coming back on track; we do not need to leave earth. Mission back-to-Krypton abort. I repeat mission abort.

Myself

Dammit! they don’t even give refunds for flight to Krypton.

Not everyone hurts because of a broken heart…!!!!

If you want to ask me about my haircut, don’t. If you want to know if I have internet now, don’t. If you want to ask me if I got my room back, very well, yes people am back in my room…yay!

I have marked Monday as the day I start running routine. Let’s see.

So how was the Monday? Like Monday, mean and tiring. But a busy day also means you just don’t know how quickly it goes away. Good and bad in one plate. It like a good cup of coffee gone cold, still has a flavor of niceness in it. But I also pretended my best to ignore the feeling of Monday or maybe I was too occupied to even feel it.

Today my friend and I, after we couldn’t get to go to the city, decided to buy ourselves something to eat. She has been feeling low eversince her boyfriend has left the town and I have my standard “I can’t you tell you why m blue, but I’m. True Story” mode on for few days. So I was driving and trying to cheer her up but its difficult when I’m busy cursing things, specially when life won’t let me have a haircut…seriously how difficult is it? Come on, just a haircut that’s all I asked for and internet and maybe a miracle…oh okay maybe a vacation and some days away from Gotham.

Voices: Ahem
Me: Waaat?
Voices: Your friend was sad and ?
Me: Oh feck…right, sorry

So when I was trying to cheer her up, I was wondering how valid it was for her. She had a reason and she could openly tell people its hurting, I on the other hand always end up pretending its the work. When people ask me why are you low, I lie something like ‘busy day’, ‘sick of same work’, ‘I could do with a vacation’, ‘too much of work pressure’ and many more silly lies. I mean truth is if you are in pain because of no valid reason, not the one you can talk about, you get worried looks without empathy. So you lie…but truth is not eveyone hurts because of a broken heart. Its true, some people just feel the gloom because there are other things, things bigger than a bad day at work, yet they lie with ‘bad day’ as an excuse because it sounds more appropriate than ‘o pardon my mood, I just happen to be like this for years now. Really don’t mind, its not that bad now’.

I think my parents are now having discussions about my marriage. Now this is the point where I find a genie or a magic box or a wizard (o what the heck…even a vampire would do…I don’t know how that would work though) and ask for a miracle. Which reminds me Breaking dawn is coming and ever since K-stew has cheated on poor Edward I don’t feel for Twilight like I felt before or maybe its the kryptic Damon Salvatore.

Glee is like 3 days away and no internet. 😦 seriously?
After Glee, the shows am eagerly waiting are Grey’s Anatomy and Revenge. Dammit! Internet Provider.

Haircut, new books, internet and a workout routine and I would be back to being Awesome again. Yes Little, you are AweSome. You are. What? You don’t think? O you are too kind…!

Song of the day- Life is beautiful by Vegas4.