Is Superman allowed to be scared of flying?

My room and my car are two of my most favorite places on this planet, because i feel safe when im with myself. That is the saddest thing to say but its the story of my life.

Another sad thing about life is that im scared of doing things i love. Its second day of NaNoWriMo and i still haven’t written a word. I blame it on the fact that i have no internet connection, but truth is im avoiding writing for no reason. The writing thing is just one of many things im scared to go for. I wont even go mentioning other stuff because it would make me sound crazy to my own ears. A part of me wonders how much damaged im, because some nights i hide in my sheets and cry myself to sleep and then there are days im all sunshine, dancing on my bed for no reason.

Fact is im scared of being happy, of being sad, of being scared, of being angry all the time…im scared of every emotion that i feel.

Im even scared of getting another dog. I wonder why cant i be that girl in Gotham who i don’t like. I mean sometimes even she seems way saner than me. I mean, yes, she is crazy in her ways but i think being her would be better than being me. All she worries about is her nails, her hair, her shopping, her looks, her dresses and her being center of attention all the time. Here im dark and twisted, scared of doing things i love or want, crying all alone,wanting to be alone and believing in and hoping for a miracle.

I really don’t know why im writing all this, because truth be told right now my mood is all good. In fact the whole festival and extended weekend thing has made me a bright shiny bulb. But i still cant stop wondering why im scared of writing the story i have on my mind. Why im scared of things that make me happy?

Happy but thoughtful…!!!!

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Little wants to go back to being little…!!!!

Today I started with a new book and I have decided to read a little, everyday. Too much of TV shows are keeping me away from reading and writing. Fact is I indulge in marathon fictional shows to stay busy and away from my inner turbulence. But now its time for me to give time to other things too.

Thankyou Internet God for my internet service are down just when I needed a push towards reading.

I also need to, now, get back to my daily workout. Cause I cant let myself be like this. Unfortunately for people like me who cant cry out loud, both the patient and shrink live in same body. Self destruction and self help go hand in hand in my case.

I have few pictures on my wardrobe. Pictures of family, friends, snowy and few from my childhood. In one picture I see a small very small girl wearing her father’s army cap and smiling while giving a salute to whoever was taking the picture. Everytime I look at that picture of mine, I wonder if I was happy back then. Truly happy. If I ever knew how life was going to turn out. I look happy and safe from future.

I want to go back to being her, the little girl in that photograph. But fact is I cant go back being a little girl anymore, the girl who knew nothing about world and its strange ways.

So I just try to be a self proclaimed super hero who has secrets, who has a battle and who is loved by everyone because noone knows that the face behind the mask is another average person made of flesh and hone.

Weird I wasnt suppose to write an emotional blog just an update on my plans about focusing on reading.

Goodnight world!

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Dear 2012, you were way nicer to me than 2011…thankyou and goodbye!!!!

There is this thing about me, I love the occasionally small surprises of happiness life gives because I know I rarely get the moments when I forget the truth. Year has gone by and I’m still where I was clueless about what’s waiting for me at the turn, but its okay because right now I feel happy. I had a good day, while a lot of people must have partied and spent the night holding hand of someone they love, I spent my new years eve having coffee and donut with two of my amazingly awesome friends.

It’s crazy, this week I met two very special people of my life and it makes me happy. I don’t know if people who matter to me really know what they mean, but I do know I’m happy to have them in my life.

2011 wasn’t a good year, I had some big expectations from it because I was drowning and I thought maybe a new year would bring some change it didnt, which is why I wasn’t excited about 2012. But I must say 2012 was way nicer to me, way better. Some really nice things happened in 2012, some good days, lots of nice moments and less crying-myself-to-bed moment though they usually never go away no matter what year. Hey I got my first car from my own hard earned money that was a big thing. Actually I think that made my parents happy and my friends too.

I went to Kashmir which is something I never thought I would get to do because that place is beautiful and far away. Two of my very awesome friends got married and are now happy which makes me happy.

As per the annual report card of WP I did pretty decent and people liked my blog which is crazy but nice.  Hey I wrote 50k words (yet failed to make NaNoWrimo) in one month first time in my life.

I feel sort of emotional right now, probably because I’m happy and sad all at the same time. No I don’t feel sad because the year is over, because at the end it is just numbers. I feel sad because a part of me is scared about what 2013 has to give, because the good moments of 2012 will now be just memories, because year comes and goes and I still find myself at a war with an invisible enemy.

But I’m happy too because I might be wrong and life might end up surprising me with Dawn. That’s me trying to be positive. Honestly, am just happy that I end up spending this week with two of my favourite people who stay away in different cities. I’m just happy that my most awesomely favourite person surprised me with a tiny visit today. I’m just happy that people I love are safe, happy and healthy. I’m just happy that my Snowy is better. I’m just happy that irrespective of my truth, I still have a part of me that wants to believe in miracles. I’m just happy that I have loved ones and they love me back. I’m just happy that God likes me because I’m safe, healthy and have the most amazing people in my life.

Before I go, thank you all of you for liking my blog, following me, just visiting and being my friend from different part of the world. This also reminds me 2012 was the year I officially stopped writing daily diary.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!!!!!

P.S last night I saw V for Vendetta…loved it. And now Natalie Portman has officially become one of my favourites. I had no idea why I didn’t watch this movie earlier.