Don’t quite know, how to say how I feel…!!!!!

Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.

For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life  am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.

Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy

The carousel never stops moving

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Honesty is an absurd policy…!!!!

The fact that I want my birthday to come and go as quickly as a Sunday makes me sad. im a birthday person. I love a birthday, specially when its mine.

I want a miracle for my birthday, I want to stop being sad, lonely, narcissist, self absorbed, childish, immature, depressed and scared. Well it ain’t gonna happen, but that’s the beauty of a birthday you can dream of gifts and presents.

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RIP Robin Williams…sorry, we couldnt save you….!!!!

Tuesday was a heavy day with something hurting inside so bad that I could hardly keep my face straight, all I wanted was to cry but with the job of being a Super Hero you don’t get to take off your mask not until you are back at home and all alone. Only Alfred gets to see Batman as Bruce Wayne and in my case no one because my Alfred was my dog who isn’t here. God I miss him.

So, I don’t know how to say this but news about Robin Williams kind of hit me hard and not because he was a great actor and I have seen his movies. It’s because of the cause of death. Suicide. Has always been a touchy subject for me, always. People who die because they are hurting are people who drowned because no one could save them.

He was the funny guy, who spent all his life joking and making hilarious faces to make others laugh and smile, while grieving inside all alone. Some people struggle silently and try to keep themselves floating but in the end they get drowned and nobody gets to save them. Why? Why can’t we save people who are in pain?

Why is sadness so colourless at times?

Why do we believe that someone who is smiling all the time isn’t capable of feeling pain? Why some people cant find voice for their inner struggle?

I don’t know why but when I hear about a suicide it kind of makes me sad in a bad way, like we failed a person. Suicide scares me because mental illness is for real, it’s not Santa Claus and not many people like to accept it. Some people might prefer to call it selfishness and cowardliness but when a person is so hurt that dying seems the only way out, he/she needs help not lecture.

Robin Williams had his demons and yes he died because he drowned in his darkness, but he would always be remembered for his act of spreading laughter and smiles. If only sadness had a colour or smell, if only mental illness came with big blinging sign boards that said “SOS”. Truth is not everyone gets to show the hurt and darkness, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I know people were sad or surprised or shocked but i was hurt in a different way. For me the news was beyond a celebrity losing the battle of depression, for me it was loss of another person to the hardcore reality of sadness.

Pain, sometimes, has tendency of sticking to people in a way where it becomes a part of their existence.

 

a lonely star in a cloudy sky…!!!!

Im having a bad week…i can take all the things the punches of life thrown at me but when its someone in the family i dont know how to deal with it. My father is unwell, but im more worried about my mother.

I have never felt so lonely in my life, guess its the week. I found this song yesterday and it brought both smile and tears. Truth is i love mushy cute romantic proposals but that’s something i rather keep to myself.

Fly me to the moon…!!!!

Last two days were beautiful and I’m glad I fought the fear of being around people. Gotham city and its people went for a trip and Batman was invited too. Yep! We had an office trekking trip and I after spending days singing ‘To go or not to go’ finally said yes and went.

Have black and blue marks over my arms, got stung by thorns while trekking and slipping hundred times and have a twisted ankle that hurts bad…but it was all worth cause I had an amazing time. I walked out of my comfort zone, went trekking with people I usually say Hi and nothing more, stayed in tents, went hiking and trekking and was away from my mp3 player, my novel, my coffee and my internet for two whole days.

I missed two things, a friend because I wish she could see the place and I missed my music. Yes I miss music even when I’m having time of my life. But truth is I want to do more of such stuff, escape the crazy world and drive down to mountains and live at a remote but highly beautiful place where all you can hear is sound of wind and your own heart beat.

Even as I sit with a bandage on my foot, I can’t stop wondering when I would get a break like this again.

During the trek there came a moment when everyone went ahead and I stood listening to the sound of wind all alone. We were on a mountain and the wind was blowing crazy, so I stood while everyone kept walking. It was beautiful, scary but beautiful and for a second I wished I could just sit down there let everyone go back and leave me. I wanted to stay back there forever. Because despite the fact that I almost got lost on top of a mountain surrounded by trees, and nothing but trees, and super strong wind that sounded like waterfall, I felt so safe.

I was so far away from things I fear. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t.

I don’t miss the fun or the place, I miss that one moment when i felt the wind through me and all i could think about was the fact that I felt no fear. I miss being not afraid.

Some people are like cover songs…beautiful in their own way!!!!

 

Sarah Linden…she is tough, she is dark, she is wrong and she is real…

What makes Linden awesome is that she doesnt have to be one of those long legged, low neck brunettes with a gun..she wears everyday look..has sweaters like real people…is shit scared yet super tough…she isn’t all bulletproof like a superhero …she is human, she is twisted, she gets hurts, she has her own mess inside her head and she is real…

I am a Beckett fan and i love Nancy Drew too but i believe Sarah Linden (The Killing) has to be the best female fictional detective or cop…I think this blog covers it all.

http://blytherippon.blogspot.in/2014/05/sweaters-sex-andsarah-linden-killing.html

There are 3 reasons why im obsessed with The Killing – Sarah Linden, Stephen Holder and Bullet…

The whole darkness, drama, emotions, mystery, race and search that engulfs every single episode of The Killing makes it so crazy but addictive. All you want to do is watch another episode. Man! i cant wait for Season4.

I’m going to miss Liesel Meminger because i finished reading ‘The Book Thief’…finally

I am a person who can watch a horror flick all alone with no one in the room, but i cant face truth, abandonment and heartache. I fear no ghost, however I do fear getting attached and then being left all alone with heartache.

Today I will tell you something about me, which a shrink would tell me if I ever went to see one. But I already know this. I suffer from fear of saying goodbye even to the most non-existent and materialistic things in life such as a fictional character, a story, a book, a pen, a beautiful coffee mug or just a good movie.

There is a reason why I often tend to get stuck in between a story I’m writing or a book I’m reading. I get scared of the fact that the ending is near, so I try to avoid writing much or I distract myself with silly things, endless number of TV shows or songs to make sure I read nothing or close to a page or two because I don’t want the book to end. True story, crazy but totally true.

But not only have I started writing again, I also finally spent my whole day reading and I finally managed to finish “The Book Thief”. No more excuses, no mores distractions, no more fear of saying goodbye to Liesel Meminger and her Papa. I just sat and read, even when I was around people I read.

There are books I can read again, books I would like to have with me if I’m ever stuck on an island all myself. These books have people I love, stories that made me cry and smile, feel real human emotions and these books have their own share of pain which for some reason made me forget mine.

I think I’m now going to dedicate a page to my top favourite books and sure “The Book Thief” would be there. I never thought it’s possible to see Death as anything else but a morbid sad phenomenon. Markus Zusak gave a voice to death in such as way that all I wanted to do was not finish the book. Because I was scared that once its over, i would no longer read more about what happened on Himmel Street.

I won’t give the story, but if you don’t mind reading a little dark but painfully beautiful story about a German girl in a Nazi Germany then my friends this is your book.

The last book that left an impression on me this big was “Perks of being a Wallflower” for I still crave to re-read it again, only I don’t.

Note to 2014…I dig Happy Endings !!!!! – Part2

I know I’m supposed to be asleep by now, as per my resolution list. I did nothing from my list of things I want to do with New Year on the horizon, except evening jog in freakin cold weather.

I had four days off from Gotham and I can’t believe vacation is over. I don’t know if 2014 is going to be a great year, because I can never say that about any year. I can only hope it’s the year when I get Dawn. You know I felt the same about 2013 or 2012 but alas I am still waiting.

I don’t have speeches about how 2013 did things for me and how I expect amazing things from 2014, because at the end it’s me. I’m happy now, blue next moment. But yes, 2013 was a year with so much happening. It took Snowy from me something I would never forget no matter what year comes and goes. I lost a friend and 2013 would never leave my memory.

2013 was also the year, when I sent my story to publishing houses. That’s like crossing a check point in my bucket list. Yeah! I know I ain’t a published writer and might never be. But I took a step. Huge step. It’s like a big thing for me, to write and complete a novel and send it to a publication house. Big thing. Makes me feel proud of me. Only thing I have to cherish when it comes to my achievements because most of the time I’m drowning in self pity.

I don’t know if 2014 is going to good or bad…I do know I have another turn on my route to Dawn. I can only hope and have faith this turn would bring me closer to happiness, love, truth, freedom and myself.

I wanted to be so many thing when I was growing up, even a house wife at one point, but today right now all I want to be is Happy. And I would like to believe 2014 is the year I would get that…happiness.

I’m scared of 2014 like i was scared of 2013 or the year before, but lets just keep that between you and me and let 2014 think i am Awesome…!!!! 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you 🙂 😀

Super Heroes too need saving…

Today im the darkest shade of blue and a part of me, inside my head, went so bad that i got scared. My thoughts scared me. What can i say, sometimes Super heroes too need saving. Sadly, no one is coming to save me but it doesn’t hurt to wait, i mean its already hurting so bad maybe waiting would only help.

To, the writer in me…whatever…!!!!

Maybe God works in mysterious ways or maybe there is no God…all i know, i would want to believe there is God and God has a plan for me.

Funny im saying that because im not a religious person. My mom would want me to be one. Im not. I just want to believe because sometimes i get tired of being angry.

Today was Diwali, one of my favourite festivals, and i had a good day. It was just like any other Sunday but more colorful one with all the lights and crackers and celebration. Though i don’t do crackers anymore. Im all save the planet person.
I missed Snowy alot today, i think my whole family did. Every Diwali he used to be this scared little kid. He hated crackers and the noise. Today after 13 years we celebrated Diwali without him.

I guess i should go, its very late. Im officially thinking of not doing NaNoWriMo this year.

Goodnight world!

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