Read some, Wrote some, Watched some… #FictionMeAndWeekend

I’m too slow with my story, as in pace wise.  I did do some writing this weekend but i could have done better. Wasted a lot of time here and there, mostly because i have this unwanted and unwelcome and highly annoying friend  – my mood swings.

Anyhow, i think I’m going to finally finish a story. I don’t know if i would keep it or share it, i don’t know if its good or a crappy one but i do know that i need to do this. Write and wrap a story. I know I’m slow but I’m going to wrap it up before I start with my NaNoWrimo.

Today, when i was walking and running around in the park i had this thought. There were bunch of kids playing football who later on started playing with firecrackers as the season of Diwali is here. As, i ran around in circles looking at those boys i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother would i want to be. Yes, i know i don’t want to be a mother but if i ever did go through that bridge i would want my kid to grow up with these –

– Racism is bad

– Everyone is a person, there is no such thing as black, gay, loser, short, fat, brown

– Right to equality and freedom is more than a quote from a book

– Pets are family and we dont throw stones at family

– Never whistle at or disrespect any girl, not matter how she dresses up

– Empathy matters

– Being a leader is cool, but being a bully is not

– Earth is already polluted

– Super heroes are  for real. They are people who go out of their way to help others or make someone feel special

I don’t know why i was thinking about it but i feel we don’t teach our kids, specially boys, things out of the text books. Parents do the best they can, but there are some who believe its okay for their kids to be kids and learn from their mistakes. Which is good but when a kid bullies another kid and hurts him/her, that’s not the kind of mistake we want our kid to learn from. In fact that’s a mistake we should not let out kid make at all.

Mistakes that we should let our kids learn from should be ones like breaking a guitar and realizing he or she is better at sports not music, forgetting to bring important books to school and realizing it is important to get up early and spend some time with the school bag, breaking a window with a ball and realizing some games should be played outside in the lawn.

Its crazy, but i wish we would teach more than they learn from Maths, Social Science, Chemistry, Bio and History classes. I saw those kids with firecrackers and i wish i could tell them to not do that, because dogs, cats and birds get scared to death when something so loud happens.

May be I’m weird, just weird. I don’t even know how to talk to a baby when i m sitting in front of one and here I’m talking about things we should teach our kids.

So, i thought things like that and then shook my head wondering what on earth I’m thinking, I mean I should be the last person to be allowed to take care of a kid.

Anyhow, i think i should go now. Weekend is over and tomorrow is Gotham day.

Hey Bruce Wayne, why dont you hang out with us at night…?

Saturday came and went away…almost. And I did not buy me a book, did not work on my story, did not do anything except sleeping, eating and listening to music.

I did went out with my brother (I call him Dexter, like the cartoon Dexter) and it was fun. We both do this thing, where we take the car, put on loud music and drive to places where we can find best junk food. Only problem is finding the right song for the drive, as we both have different kind of taste in music. He is more of rock, rap and loud dancing music guy and I am all about Florence and Machine, Angus and Julia, Fun, Brandi Carlile, Avril, EdSheeran, etc…

So I did nothing and was lazy all day long. In the evening when my brother said that we should go out, when he comes back from gym…i almost, almost, opened my mouth to ask him “if you are going to gym, should I walk Snowy out or will dad be going out with him?” and then It struck me. Luckily I didnt say it or else I would have not been able to hold back the tears.

On Friday I got in touch with a friend from school days and I found out how mad she was with me. Still is, for I stopped staying in touch. I vanished, in her words.
She said we had good time and how we were besties and then I stopped being me. I didnt reply or call much.

I apolgised and promised I would be in touch and that it happened unknowingly, as I had a phase, as I was dealing with personal stuff which is why am distant.

Truth is she isnt the only friend with complaints. But then I cant just say “hey gal, sorry m just not the fun person you knew. I dont talk to many people now, usually am pretending even infront of my family too. I stay awake till 2-3 for I like my company and the time I can spend alone. I just went through a xanax phase and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. And I have been battling depression for quite long now. And I had nothing to talk about so I vanished for I am scared of being in a social situation. Freaks me out. Oh and one more thing I have a secret that I havnet told you about. Blah blah blah”

I dont think she would be expecting that and actually get all that when she said if you have issues talk to me, you dont have to vanish. I think she believes am having boy trouble. For she sounded like she wanted to help me find a guy for me.

I know she wont get me because im not the best friend she knew in school. But I did had great time back then and I would want us to be friends, so I apologised and promised I will try to not vanish again.

Its 3:14 am and im hungry. Feel like making instant noodle thing. But It would wake everyone. I better watch Pll and sleep.

Hope tomorrow would be productive in terms of writing. Goodnight world!

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Somedays stay with us forever…!!!!

Sometimes I think about the day Snowy came to our lives, the day i got my first pocket money, the day I fell in love, the day I met my best friend, the day I wrote my first poem, the day I wrote first story, the day I acted in a play, the day I was made house captain in school, the day I won my first house cup as a captain, the day I had my first crush, the day I became 17, the day I lost love, the day I walked through my college gate, the day I had my first glass of alcohol, the day I thought college was the best thing about life, the day I bid goodbye to friends for some hundredth time, the day I got my first scooter, the day I was praised by a teacher for my debate, the day I got my first cheque, the day I met my superhero, the day I thought I was going to die, the day I wanted do die, the day I spoke for the first time, the day I found out i have people who love me despite knowing, the day I wanted to live again, the day I bought my first phone, the day I bought my car, the day I completed my one year at work, the day my parents indirectly told me they were proud of me, the day I saw life take a 360, the day I had my first and thousandth panic attack, the day i searched for the depression online, the day I started writing diaries, the day I started blogging, the day I started lying and hiding from friends I once thought were my life, the day i saw my mother cry, the day I came back from work smiling and singing I love my work, the day I never wanted anything do change, the day I thought nothing would change now, the day I met music, the day i wrote Dominique’s first page, the day I went to Srinagar, the day I had my worst haircut, the day I won my first and second chess tournament, the day I lost against, the day I lost, the day I won against my biggest opponent, the day i won against my boss, the day I got my first surprise birthday party, the day I cried and I didnt know how to stop myself, the day I again wanted to die, the day i realised im a superhero, the day I was scared I would lose my mind, the day I stood awake all night worried about Snowy, the day he had his operation and I saw him on the strecher and the day he died…

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Because life has no rewind and play button…!!!!

Sometimes when the day isn’t good, life gives you a reason to smile before you go sleep it off. Yes it does happen sometimes; maybe that’s what is called “a sign”. Something to tell you, its okay you are being watched just hang on.

I don’t know how life works or how anything else works because I’m a pretty messed up person, yes I do end up being the best advisor to my friend or a fairly good team lead to my team, but there is nothing I can do to really fix things inside my head and heart. Truth is I’m just like anyone else, I love to be the funny one in the group, fall in love and have stupid love fights, be the friend you can count on and a daughter you could be proud of…only problem I’m not any of it.

This morning I woke up pretty late and with a serious blue mood that I wasn’t able to shake off while taking a shower, driving with loud music and smiling “Good morning” at my team. I knew just then that it was going to be a crappy day, so I tried not to talk to anyone much to save the world from my Hulk avatar. To worsen the situation we ended up having a long electricity issue because of some repair, which left us with no ACs. Heat gets the worst out of me because I can’t think when I’m sweating and irritated with humidity and perspiration. Anyhow, I did try to keep my calm and kept telling myself that it’s just few hours and that soon I will have my Friday night and everything will be okay.

Well before clock struck midnight life gave me a reason to smile and feel good about everything. It said okay you are screwed but hey you are awesome too.

You know I’m not sad right now, no I’m not I’m just thinking how life changes every second of every day leading us to a point where we realise we are no longer at the place we were hours and days ago. Truth is despite the showers of changes that wash us every year of every day of our lives, nothing really changes. We still enjoy being the kid with a bicycle, the teenager with wall full of posters, the high school person with a strict definition of love, the college geek with certain sets of friends with FORVER tagged on them, the office worker who likes to hang around the colleagues but wouldn’t mind getting a day off just no work and no boss.

We change and move but we are still the same person and would love to live those days again, only problem there is no fkn rewind and play button. Nope nothing to rewind and nothing to play again, just not how life works.

I am still the girl who had full plans of running away because she thought she was going to flunk her 10th grade board exams, I’m still the girl who fell head over heels in love but had to sing a sad goodbye song and walk away, I’m still the girl who found friends who changed her and friends who built her again but had to say goodbyes to each one of them, I’m still the girls who loves her office and the job but finds it hard to wake up and drive to it because it feels empty.

Why I’m saying all this? Because the nice thing that happened today made me realize how somethings remain the same, only changes cover them so heavily we can’t see them the way they were.

When universe throws a sign…!!!!

I just wrote and deleted a very angry post, because I did not like it and also how the hell does it changes anything. Do you believe in signs? I do…I have always been a believer in signs, any sign. Some signs tell us how good things are going to be and some pretty much warn us of a freakn moment coming our way. For example, if a person goes out her/his way to buy you something you once suggested it’s a sign of a good friendship or maybe more.

While I may have given a pretty happy example for my theory of signs, I don’t really have a happy story on my mind. There was once a little girl who was just ignorant of how the real life was, she was too involved in herself and her life that she failed to see the cruelty that surrounded the world. This little girl being too much inspired from fairly tales and super hero movies always wished if she could be different…she wanted to be anything but ordinary. She wished to grow up and be different. That very moment of her life was a sign that she couldn’t read and few years later she got what she had asked for…if only she knew what she was asking for. Today she is a grownup which pretty much sucks and she is of course not like everyone else, she is different, which again pretty much makes her a twisted soul.

See the thing with signs is that they work their way to our mind, we can either take them or ignore them. For past few days I have been having this weird feeling and I just couldn’t put a finger on it, but now I know. My super awesome universe, which for some reason doesn’t really like me much, was giving a sign about something, a sign that the big turn of my life is just around the corner. A sign that it has begun…Tick Tock…!!

Pretty damn scary I tell you but then I can really do nothing about it or can I?

These are the moments when I go narcissist and self centered and start praising myself, because everything else starts slipping or uprooting making life a worthless piece of old and torn paper, that was once a part of freshly published book. I’m usually good with words and expressing things but right now I can’t find words. My most important friend, my words are enjoying playing hide-n-seek when I need them the most. Is this a sign too? Hope not. I’m sick of signs because am driving 200km/hr and have almost reached the corner yet there is no dawn, no light.

I once read somewhere if everything is coming your way, then probably its  a sign that you are on a wrong lane…!!!!