I want an ice-cream, a hug and a dog…!!!!

I have been suffering from some weird kind of pain in my right side and now it’s almost in every corner of my stomach. So now when i breathe i wince in pain. Problem is i kind of don’t want to fall sick, not now. Not the right time dude. Any other time would have been okay but not now.

My second problem is “Summer” and if you are an Indian or have been to this side of the world, you would know why that’s a problem. Bloody too damn hot and you what’s the crazy part of the story, my car’s A.C has just died. Awesome. The car company says they have ordered some part that isn’t working and so i have to wait.

So i might be dying. It won’t rain. My car’s AC is dead. The book i pre-ordered is yet to come. This year i have missed on every single Super Hero movie. A good friend of mine and i are now acting like strangers. My stories are still standing where they were, half and incomplete.

I think i can write an essay on things going wrong but i rather not. Cause good thing is my father is recovering and im so relieved. Im not really that close to him like most of the daughters are but seeing him unwell was not cool.

 

 

 

Earth is made of Water, Oxygen, People & Morons…!!!!!

Today I was whatsapping with a very old friend. We hardly talk and so we were exchanging usual “Hey” “How’s it going” stuff when we started talking about politics, culture, religion etc. My friend had some really extremist views and perspective to offer and I was kind of shocked and surprise.

I don’t know but I can’t ever ever hate one religion and love another. I don’t want to follow a religion if it means hating the others. I say thank you to god everyday for my loved ones, I’m thankful for what I have in my own way but I can’t go beyond. My friend was talking about how high he thinks of his religion and how much he dislikes this other religion and I wanted to hit him though the phone.

Whoa! You know all these years I used to believe that education can make a difference in changing the views of the world. But I guess I was wrong. Education has nothing to with it; people become haters even with the educated and posh upbringing.

Okay! I don’t know if it makes any sense but right now I’m angry and I’m so disappointed in people in “US”. All these stories about one country hating another, one religion fighting the other, straight people loathing gays and some self declared saviors of their own land killing or abducting girls who wish to go to study, it all makes me angry and sick.

All those who use name of God for polishing their faith high above are forgetting that God didn’t create this world so we can fill it with bombs, arms, hatred, self-created religious propaganda and idiotism.

We are bunch of idiots for we don’t know how to live without segregating each other in categories. We don’t want humanity; we want labels – Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Jews, Sikh, Black, Brown, Gays, Transgenders.

When it comes to living, we all want good clothes, best cars, plateful of delicacies, glass full of liquor and everything we can afford. Do we ever think about the religion, caste, color, gender and sexuality of the worker who sewed the denim we are wearing, who spend their mornings fixing the groceries on the shelf of the store we shop at or those who work in the shops we send our cars to for repair. No, we don’t care who does what. We want our luxury and we want to hate because we are idiots.

I feel so helpless for being the person who heard all that crap and who knows that punching one person won’t fix it, because world is full of such morons.

You know I’m sure even God would be doing the whole Rolling Eyes thing at the way we are living.

Anyhow, if you are someone who believes in love and world peace and no hatred and no animal cruelty…you are AWESOME…

Leaving with a beautiful song by Mary Lambert…because i don’t care about the haters…they are the only thing that makes world anything but beautiful…

Its been a year now…!!!!

tippy

Last year on this day i lost my Snowy and it kind of has affected me so much that i, some days, dream that he is back. I know some people dont think losing a pet is a loss big enough, but for me it is. I met him when i was this young little teenager, a school girl, and we both grew up together.

13 years of togetherness, 13 years of coming home to his happy face, 13 years of him dragging me out of my bed ever morning, 13 years of him sleeping at the corner of my bed, 13 years of my talking to him about life when no one was around, 13 years of him and me being best friends, 13 years of him running away from bath with shampoo all over him and me running around the house trying to get him back to the bath, 13 years of him staring at me with those big black eyes every time i had a chocolate in my hand, 13 years of he and me playing Hide n Seek at home with him being confused when i would call his name and hide and not to be found….

13 years of every day and night being around. He was family and it hurts to not see him around, it hurts to go through a whole year knowing its not a dream. He died right in front of me, he was sick and in pain. That one month i didn’t sleep well because i would get up at night to check up on him. because i was worried and scared, because he was unwell.

He was my savior. I don’t think i can ever get over this pain.

I don’t think anyone knows what this day means to me, how much it hurts to think of this day, how hard it has been to keep this one memory deep inside and locked.

I miss coming home and calling his name…every evening i would just open the door and say “Tippy im home”…

Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.

If im Batman, Stress in my Joker…!!!!

You know how every Super Hero has a Super villain? Well, i know who is my bad guy.

I suffer from Panic disorder, depression, anxiety, Acid Reflux and everything that makes a stomach go crazy and what’s common here? STRESS. Everything wrong with me is because of stress, hence proved my biggest enemy is stress caused due to reasons that i can share only with  me and myself.

Hate that stress has caused so much and the most recent problem is Acid reflux. Hate it. Whatever.

 

huh!

I think my body has had enough of the blues, its kind of going crazy on me like its angry or something. Huh! Now what did i do?

I realized one thing, actually its a discovery, that i hate music when im not well. Imagine that. I mean i cant stay away from my headphones and today i couldn’t even like one song. I hated them all, Avril, Brandi, FUN…you name them i didn’t like them. Whoa! Weird.

My head is kind of going left and right today, so i think i should just sleep early. What i hate about falling sick is not the pain but the fact that it’s the time when everyone would tell you all the things you did wrong. The lifestyle, the eating habits, the ignorance towards health etc etc etc. Guess that happens.

I kind of had an argument and Im angry right now, really Hulk angry but unfortunately im so exhausted that i can’t feel the anger, it’s like am angry but i have no energy to act like an angry person. Weird. This day can’t get any weirder.

superman coffee

Got to go.

Goodnight World!

 

When Batman falls sick…!!!!

 

Hmm...i think the cold is better. I can work.

Hmm…i think the cold is better. I can work.

Food doesn't feel good today. Weird.

Food doesn’t feel good today. Weird.

Why is it so cold today?

Why is it so cold today?

Hey Stop it...i said stop Aaachoo...excuse me

Hey Stop it…i said stop Aaachoo…excuse me

Hey buddy i know you are busy, but could pass me some tissues...my nose...Aaachoo...Excuse me

Hey buddy i know you are busy, but could you pass me some tissues…my nose…Aaachoo…Excuse me

Dude! That's really high. I cant fly that much today. Ahem! hey buddy i was thinking...

Dude! That’s really high. I cant fly that much today. Ahem! hey buddy i was thinking…

Thanks Man! You didnt had to..but thanks anyway...

Thanks Man! You didnt had to..but thanks anyway…

bat5

You will pay for...Aachhoo..Stop Laughing..Grrr

You will pay for…Aachhoo..Stop Laughing..Grrr

Huh! Hey guys dont tell anyone. im...Zzz

Huh! Hey guys dont tell anyone. im…Zzz

5YTXBQqsAE-2

Alfred im Okay....Zzzz

Alfred im Okay….Zzzz

Soldier at ease…Life says take a break…!!!!

So life says ceasefire…I don’t know if its for a day or a week, but I know I can feel my pulse again and im breathing. Yay!

But stupid cold and fever won’t let me cherish the moment. Now, all I need to do is manage next 9 hours tomorrow and I have my two days of rest. No one knows what hit me and what went through my head except my one super friend. I don’t know what I would have without her, because I was losing my mind.

I wish there was some miracle for me, wish there was someone who would save me.  But it’s a battle that I will lose and nothing can change that. So all I need is to make myself strong which crazy because I thought I was strong. Some Nights is my anthem right now as I listen to it on replay mode.

I cant live if im not living as me.  Not being me can be lethal for me.

Okay people time for my medicine and a nap. Hope I wake up well enough to go to work, play Scrabble in evening and come home to series of episodes waiting for me. Fingers crossed!

Goodnight World!

what are you thinking?

Its 1 am and everyone is asleep at my place which gives me time to sit alone and cry because of course I would never let them see the pain. No one. My dog is old and ill and it’s killing me. My stomach hurts me but seeing him is worst.

My friend, who knows there are things inside me troubling me, asked me what I am thinking. I told her I’m thinking nothing but I know she knows I lied. I’m thinking I’m going to lose him; I’m thinking he is so tiny and weak and sick. So sometimes I would just go to him and tell him I love him. He is sleeping right now; he had a doctor visit today and will have another one tomorrow. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why can’t he walk and jump around like he used to? Is he thinking why are we taking him for injections and medicines? Is he thinking why everything hurts?

I have been having stomach issues since Sunday night and I can talk about it, I tell my friends, I tell my mom and I make big fuss out of it that “I’m ill and it hurts”. He can’t do that, he can’t tell us that he doesn’t feel good or that it hurts to stand up.

I’m so sad right now but I can’t let people know or they will ask why and I’m afraid to say what I’m thinking.