Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.

Am blue…am green…!!!!

Today am angry and bitter…so i want to stay away from words. Anger should always be dealt with silence, saves you from regret of things you say or do later on. In my case silence helps me cool faster for i know all my anger is only my helplessness.

Am all green monster today because i want someone to ask me what’s wrong.

I want to be a happy person. I cant so i end up being angry on the world for not seeing me.

I think i need a haircut. I do.
Tonight i shall read, since am on silent mode.

Goodnight world!!

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To the ghost of me…!!!!

To the ghost of me

I want to be you

Not me

But it cant be

So you stay

Inside

Away from the eyes

Of people

You hide

From everyone

But I wish it wasn’t me

Walking in the sun

Smiling to those

Around

I wish it wasn’t you

Gagged and bound

Left to breathe

In silence

And darkness within me

I want to be you

I want people

To like you

The face I am

For real for true

But a shadow

You are

And will always be

And I will face the rain

The sun and moon

Colored in gloom

You will watch

From the window

Inside me

Wanting to grow

Out

Of the lies

But it will always be

Me

Colored in pretenses

Keeping you in fences

I will live

Smile and shine

Not calling you mine

While all I want to

Be

Is you

I want to hide

I want to confide

Let the world see you

And not me

But you are a dream

A story untold

A seem

That will never get unfold

To the ghost of me

I want to be you

Not me

But it can’t be….!!!!

 

my brain works when everyone else’s goes to sleep…!!!

Today I realized something I can’t write or my writer brain doesn’t works during the day or when there are people around.

After missing day 1 and day3 of NaNoWriMo, today I worked on more than 3000 words which aren’t great because as per the flow chart at this rate I will finish my book on 10th December…bloody too slow. Well I can’t even say 3000 was good because I had marked 4000-5000 as my target for today and I failed because I was distracted all day, wasted time here and there. All my output came when the day was almost over. Now so much of writing has made me dizzy and I don’t even know what crap have I written, didn’t even read it again. So tired and numb.

Hopefully I have one more holiday before I report back to Gotham. I can’t keep same target for tomorrow but 3000 like today would be decent. Someday I might post a scene or page from Jane Doe. With Dominique I work scene to scene, sometimes I write the start, sometimes the body or sometimes the end. In fact I worked on major scenes first before I worked on the start of the story. In Jane Doe’s case I started from start but today I also worked on a major scene from the later on part of the story.

I have been using Digital Daggers, soundtrack of Suckerpunch and Adele’s Skyfall for my work along with Greg Laswell. Music helps a lot. But when I’m in my room late at night with everyone else asleep and complete silence, my brain actually works well and fast.

Got to go now, brain fried 😛 …will watch something to relax and then sleep.

Goodnight world!