Im going through a weird phase, my mind is full of scattered thoughts and the emotions inside me are fix of everything from fear, happiness, sadness, anger to confusion.
I need sleep. That and a haircut, but sleep is like way too important.
You know i dont know about grown ups but kids they love me. All of them, at least the ones i know. Well, isn’t that awesome.
I once went up to a family, having lunch in a restaurant, and asked them if the car parked outside with a dog in it is theirs, when they said yes i asked them to roll down the windows a little bit so poor dog can breath. Yes i did that. It was long time ago and though i was pretty sure they might go all crazy about minding my own business, i still went straight to them.
I once scolded a kid who throwing stones on a dog, even though his grandfather was nearby and i knew he would yell and run to him which he did.
I don’t know why am telling all this, but truth is i don’t like people who are mean to dogs.
Okay so it was a very very very tiring and exhausting day, i hardly got time for thinking and worst i didn’t listen to even a single song till 745 in evening. From 10 to 745 i was working and working. Almost died by the time i got out of Gotham. First thing that i did was get into my car and play Demi Lovato on loud volume, it hit me like a drug and i felt alive. I said no to temptation of junk food and coffee and came home to do a 15 minutes of rope skipping.
Every single bone in my body is begging to sleep and maybe i will. A Brazilian intern had come for a day and i worked with her all day long, only break i took was a 30 minutes of KFC lunch trip.
Man! i feel weird right now. Exhausted and drained out.
Will be back tomorrow.
P.S Dont tell anyone a busy day doesn’t scares me its the slow boring day, when i have all the time in the world to indulge in self pity.
Searching for you
i look around
a part of me
begs you to be found,
for i miss you
never met you
but i do,
i imagine us
you and me
spending every day
i call your name
i dont know you
but i want to
i have met you
dreamt of you
but never seen you
or held you,
i imagine us
you and me
having happy times
singing in rhymes
our own love song
building our own
rights and wrongs,
i try to picture
a small place of ours
filled with cards
signed ‘All yours’,
You and me
hung on the wall in frames
like we are meant to be,
down in sea
you and i
never met you
it still beats for you…!!!!
Sometimes when im online and I browse through sites or blogs and see the big happy quotes, motivational words and inspirations words in big font, I smile and wonder how any of them can make any difference in my life.
Sure, being positive is always good and inspirational words always remind you that but truth is, its not meant for me. All the speeches in the world cant do a thing for me, believe me when i say that. Eventually im meant to sink and even if I do place happy & motivational posters in my room, all over my bed, I cant deny they are not meant for me.
Well, I just saw an episode of Revenge and man I had tears, like real tears, in my eyes. Never thought I would cry watching an episode of Revenge. Still sad.
I have to go now, my book is calling me but then I wonder if it’s a good idea to read at 1 am. I mean I have Gotham tomorrow and im already too low on my sleep quota.
Who doesn’t like to smile? i do, despite the fact that im used to being blue i like smiling and being awesome. But i wont deny the fact that it wont help me when i will wave the white flag.
That’s what i did today. I drove to city all alone in the rain because i wanted to enjoy the weather. I also worked on Jane Doe a little before i went for my drive.
I bought me two books, Silent House and The Perks of Being a Wildflower. Because that’s how i tell myself dont worry. Drive in rain and book shopping is probably best way to enjoy a Saturday. Truth is everything i do is solely based on making me walk a little more. the stories, the music, the shopping and the haircut which is making me pretty much happy.
I think some of my favourite shows are coming to their end, Grey’s Anatomy, Vampire Diaries and PLL. Man! that will make me sad. Last night i saw pilot epi of Homeland. pretty impressed.
Got to go now, will spend some time on Jane Doe and then i might read or watch an episode or a movie.
Some nights i close my eyes and imagine myself living in a world where i am no longer bounded by pretenses. I try to imagine myself in a happier mode, where i meet someone and fall in love. These fictional characters and their stories take me to such world, make me live my wishes.
Friday morning I wake up with something inside me telling me “Hey there, just 9 hours and you can do it…just 9 hours”. I wear a smile to shift focus from my sleepy and tired eyes, walk around like the hot-shot team lead, throw orders and come back to my seat check for mails and when everything is okay, I put on my headphones and whisper to myself “Just 9 hours, you can do it”.
Thanks to my new tradition of Friday night episode marathon, I now walk through the whole week saying the same to me “Just 5 more days, you can do it”. Here is the thing, I don’t think I can survive if I don’t write Jane Doe, Dominique or anything else, if I don’t carry my headphones around, if i don’t watch episodes with fictional characters, stories and emotions, if I don’t pamper myself with unhealthy junk and give a secret self pep talk in my head.
Yes, I’m that girl who wants to make it but has to do it little differently. This song “Just give me a reason” is stuck on my mind.
Right now I’m at peace. I would like to say goodnight and go back to my episodes. Tomorrow I work on Jane Doe and on Sunday I get my much needed haircut.
P.S i think i have uploaded this one before but i like this one.
Last night I slept at 5am and I don’t even know if I should say ‘last night’ because it was almost morning. I feel better, I should be feeling groggy but I feel good because I’m doing things that I like, Im keeping my mind busy thus no thinking.
Good thing, I worked on Jane Doe today and after I post I’m going back to the story. I have plans tomorrow but something is asking me to stay home and write. I don’t know if you know but I like ABBA, so today I’m listening to ABBA and Brandi Carlile. O how I wish I could just stay home like this every day, listen to music and write. No work, no Gotham.
Funny thing happened, my brother told me he might have had a breakup and I was like what happened. He said his girlfriend was angry that he doesn’t give her time and he was like ‘do girls really break up for that? I was just busy’. I was laughing because he was asking me. My friend calls me when she needs relationship advice and my brother discussing his break up (by the way there was no breakup, the girl was just angry and he thought they broke up)…strangely people find me on their radar when looking for advice. How? When did they see me in a relationship, leave alone a happy one. It was funny when I told him “yes brother, girls do get angry if you do not give them time”.
That’s why I think I can be great at relationships if I want to have one. Right now, I’m just involved with my stories, my music, my fiction and my issues. That’s the closet to having a relationship I’m right now.
I know I have Dominique and Jane Doe to complete but my mind is already thinking about another story concept. Just an idea that came to me yesterday but all I do is think and let it sit aside. I have to finish Jane Doe because I want to show it to my friends. Dominique is my personal project and won’t leave my eye sight so I can work on it at a slow pace too. Dominique is only for my eyes.
Today and tomorrow I will complete a major part of Jane Doe. I hope I end up wrapping it up soon and proudly show it to people around me.
From tomorrow I also plan to start with the workout thing, because I need to. My mind went all dark and twisty last week scaring me. I think I’m awesome but I also know I have tendency of being a moron.