You lost me at…wait, who are you again?

I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.

No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?

It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?

Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.

Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.

While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.

It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.

At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.

batman superhero

Just an angry girl with freshly cut short hair and a book…!!!!

You know how i space out of conversations and even from situations where I’m just staring at something or someone. Yesterday i was in a meeting with my manager and this Russian intern and though he was mostly explaining something to her i was sitting there too. And then i went dreaming again; i spaced out to another world and next thing i know my manger was looking at me, his lips were moving and then i heard the words realizing he is asking me something. I was like feck what was the question.

Luckily, i managed to survive this manager meeting situation.

I wonder why i do that to me. Because i have once been into a very very bad situation because of my spacing out talent.

Anyhow, good news i got a haircut and a new book. I needed both the things so badly because i kind of had a day where i realized a friend of mine is no more my friend. I mean we are still friends but only because i am hanging on to the whole friendship thing. So i have decided to let it go. Its funny how when you are young, like teenage kind young, friendship feels like the greatest thing in life and then you grow up, your friends grow up and all that matters is to survive.

Crazy! how we change.

With a working Saturday last week i haven’t really had much time to write but my story is almost done. Still a lot left but i think i did manage to finally write something. After a long time, im hoping to complete a story. I know it might be a weird story but i wrote it so I’m really looking forward to the last page.

Goodnight World!