We are, what we are, what we always will be…Ignorant!!!!

Ignorance is what makes people with mental illness suffer more; not theirs but our ignorance towards the subject.

Why do I say that? Someone in Gotham was talking to me about BiPolar. It was a small, silly and ordinary conversation but when it was over I felt sad. Not many people know what depression or mental disorders like BiPolar, PTSD, BPD is, not that it should be a part of our school textbooks but not knowing the thing is one reason we never understand someone who actually goes through it.

For example, I have stomach issues directly caused by my messed up head and also because I was a bad eater once. Now, when I am usually in a situation where I want to avoid something for my stomach or I’m having a bad stomach day, for no reason, I often get to hear things like ‘That’s all in your head’. Dude! That always hits me below the belt. Never for once a person who knows acid reflux or anxious stomach would ever say that ‘Metal taste? Oh that’s so crazy just eat something sweet’

So, when you meet someone with mood swings, totally unexplainable, never call that person crazy or something like ‘You need a good day out’. Don’t you think that person has tried everything from good day, good song, good movie to every other effin good thing available. Some pain and hurt and sadness are not made up by that person. They are there.

Just few days back, 2-3 people around me were making fun of a guy saying things like ‘O he is so gay’. I was there, I was suppose to pitch in something and I felt so ashamed of being there and not being able to tell them how insanely insensitive and wrong it is to joke like that. I wanted to turn around say, you mister are a male whore, you lady are an effin loser and you sir are also a loser in capital letters. I didn’t. I swear I wanted to so badly but I’m a coward or more or less I’m just one of them. So, I just pretended to be busy and asked why they think he was gay and as soon as the topic shifted, I excused myself and walked away. You know, we are what we are and will always be…Ignorant.

If you and I make fun of someone’s weight, height, health, pain, moods, sexuality, color or accent, it’s not their fault…it’s our…our ignorance towards them and the thing we think is so weird about them.

P.S Just ignore my rant and enjoy this beautiful song

Stubborn heart, acidic stomach, crazy head…LOL? Whatever!

I hate my acid reflux…ruins the day for me. What has my stubborn heart done to me. Look at all the things gone wrong with me, my stomach and my head are paying price for having a heart that won’t stop believing, won’t quit and won’t change.

Anyhow, I have started giving time to the books on my shelf. Am now reading a Lee Child’s Jack Reacher thriller “Gone Tomorrow”. I think my next book would be “Love letters to the dead” by Ava Dellaira. Some review site compared it to the “Perks of being a wallflower” and I love this one.

My mouth feels so metallic right now, not a good feeling and no amount of sweets can make it go. Fckn acid.

Got to go, goodnight world…!!!!

P.S Is ‘Orange is the new black’ any good? Am thinking of catching up with the show.

If im Batman, Stress in my Joker…!!!!

You know how every Super Hero has a Super villain? Well, i know who is my bad guy.

I suffer from Panic disorder, depression, anxiety, Acid Reflux and everything that makes a stomach go crazy and what’s common here? STRESS. Everything wrong with me is because of stress, hence proved my biggest enemy is stress caused due to reasons that i can share only with  me and myself.

Hate that stress has caused so much and the most recent problem is Acid reflux. Hate it. Whatever.

 

what are you thinking?

Its 1 am and everyone is asleep at my place which gives me time to sit alone and cry because of course I would never let them see the pain. No one. My dog is old and ill and it’s killing me. My stomach hurts me but seeing him is worst.

My friend, who knows there are things inside me troubling me, asked me what I am thinking. I told her I’m thinking nothing but I know she knows I lied. I’m thinking I’m going to lose him; I’m thinking he is so tiny and weak and sick. So sometimes I would just go to him and tell him I love him. He is sleeping right now; he had a doctor visit today and will have another one tomorrow. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why can’t he walk and jump around like he used to? Is he thinking why are we taking him for injections and medicines? Is he thinking why everything hurts?

I have been having stomach issues since Sunday night and I can talk about it, I tell my friends, I tell my mom and I make big fuss out of it that “I’m ill and it hurts”. He can’t do that, he can’t tell us that he doesn’t feel good or that it hurts to stand up.

I’m so sad right now but I can’t let people know or they will ask why and I’m afraid to say what I’m thinking.