Some days while staring at my PC sipping that office machine coffee and listening to a “Yes you can do it” kind of song on loop, I get all “Yes, I can do it and yes i won’t give up”. Truth be told, it’s all music and coffee induced enthusiasm that usually makes you want to do all you want but cant and it makes you plan things, which after few hours end up in a trash pile inside your head.
TrueStory you know. Happens to me almost every second third day at work because I’m so bored and because coffee and good music make all motivated and eager and ready for something else in life, for following my dream of working on my stories, for accepting who I’m and letting the world know, for not going with the world and live like i want etc etc etc. Then after few hours, the coffee goes out of my system, the happy songs get tired of rolling again and again in the loop and blurred words on my screen start to make sense…leading me to realise i was day dreaming and this is reality…I ain’t going anywhere and there is no freedom fighting for me.
Sometimes day dreaming of being the stubborn one who wouldn’t give up and be proud of self is fun. It’s fun because at the end it is funny how a good song and a cup of coffee can make you see life in a better way and make you a rockstar, even if it’s for a while.
What can i say,
Some days it’s all about wanting what you can’t get #StubbornMuch
Some days I miss you more than others and today is one such day because I can’t stop getting sad about losing Snowy. It’s like it happened today and my heart hurts so badly that I kept on saying ‘I want a dog’ again and again to my mother and I picked up a fight despite the fact that I know we can’t keep a dog right now. I was being stubborn because I was hurting, I still am.
All I want is to hug him once, just once, but I can’t do it not today, not ever. The pain came crawling to me when I parked my car outside this cafe to get me a cup of coffee; I saw this dog sleeping on the corner. I had a bread with me so I walked up to him and gave him the bread piece, he woke up and looked at me with those eyes…eyes that made me want to hug him, hug every dog in the world because I can’t hug my Snowy. I walked back to my car and kept looking at him with tears in my eyes and he was looking at me (probably confused why I woke him, because I don’t think he even looked at the bread with his sleepy eyes). I was sitting in my car crying because suddenly I couldn’t stop missing Snowy, suddenly I realised I miss him and nothing in this world can bring him back, suddenly I realised no matter how much I beg I can never see him again.
Somehow I feel no one can really get this emptiness; I mean my friends and family I know I lost something very dear but I don’t think they realise how a part of me grieves every second.
I feel tired now with the crying, worst once the tears came out rolling and i wiped them I realised I hadn’t washed my hand after eating the chilli pickle. Damn! My eyes.
I’m almost done with Sarah’s Keys and its very touching and gripping novel.
All those stories of holocaust and gassing chambers; we haven’t learnt anything. Did we? No. Because we still have religions fighting, we still have hatred; we still have countries despising their neighbors and people being enemy of each other.
Guess I’m too sad today.