I can’t write, I just can’t. When I became a blue person and got the darkness inside me I found comfort in writing, I started writing and wrote and wrote. But now I can’t write; I find it hard to write anything.
My anger, agony and grief are so heavy that I can’t even do things that I love to. My friend asked me out for a movie, I said no and she couldn’t get why on earth I would say no to a movie when I love movies.
It’s not just the fact that I am grieving, it’s the fact that my pain of losing Snowy has just added to the everyday hurting. All these hours that I have spent, since last night, watching TV shows were just focused on killing the thinking cells inside my head. But unfortunately I have pretty active and effective brain cells they won’t stop doing what they do, thinking…they won’t stop thinking.
Today I cleaned my room a little and found this notebook with a story, just 3-4 pages written on a plot that I once had on my mind. I re-read it and it felt nice because it made me want to sit and write. But I dint.
Here is the thing, I am a good person in the sense I have never really done anything bad to anyone but I’m a disappointment for many. For people who love me, my family and friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls in my office who I personally do not like for they are so fake and crazy but at least they want normal things in life like a wedding, a husband, and a family. I am nice, not fake and less crazy compared to them but I disappoint people who love me. My stubbornness and different choices in life worries people who love me and I’m well aware of that. So what do I do? Be me or be someone they want? Either ways someone gets hurt.
A week before I lost Snowy, I had a bad 2-3 days so bad I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was dying inside but I didn’t. Things cooled down I was finally breathing but then I lost someone I can’t forget, someone I miss so much.
Yesterday night I was crying and I didn’t know why…I mean I didn’t know was I crying because of the conversation I had with my mother 2 weeks ago or was I crying because I miss Snowy so much. Well I woke up with a dream about him so maybe I was crying because of him but then I was and even now I m thinking of my mother. How I wish she had a better person as her daughter. So basically I’m sad and broken and going crazy but for several reasons, one isn’t enough I guess.
Saddest thing is it makes me sad to not want to be me…in the world inside my head, im awesome!!