Words so painful and powerful…I forgot its not real!!!!

The only thing that stopped me from crying rivers after reading this is the fact that I was surrounded by my team, that doesn’t know that their Project Manger is a cry baby.

I wanted to reach inside the words and bring her back to life even though I knew it was just a poem, a bunch of words.

http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/woman-writes-the-most-heartbreaking-poem-ever-about-suicide?utm_content=inf_32_93_2&utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=contentse&ts_pid=566&tse_id=INF_9cc5b3f20680412688c11ee9f949bd5e

Advertisements

Just one of those days when I miss the voices…

Have you ever had a day where you don’t feel anything? You are not happy, but you are not sad either. No anger or fear or anxiety. Nothing. You end up wishing for some kind of emotions, anything would do heck even tears would be great but there aren’t any cause you ain’t sad. No sadness. 

The only fraction of emotion that you feel is doubt. You wonder and doubt whether you’re even alive. Because you are that numb.

So you try to read but you’re not interested, you try to write a story but for that you need emotions but there aren’t any, you open your laptop to watch a movie but you don’t feel like. 

Not only do you not feel any emotion, you don’t even feel like doing things that you love. 

Have you ever had a day where voices in your head are locked somewhere, you do occasionally hear a muffled scream begging you to do something but you cant make out the words and have no interest in even trying? 

Have you?

No emotion is the worst kind of emotion

Posted from WordPress for Android

Do not disturb! Little is busy drowning in self pity.

If I could go back  and meet the 5 year old me, I would just hug her and tell her nothing. Don’t want to scare a little girl by telling how painful being a grown up is.

I wish somebody would hug me right now and say nothing, not that I don’t want them to scare me it’s just that I’m pretty much aware of my worst case scenarios. A hug without words wouldn’t change nothing, but I still could use one for no reason.

At least kids have the luxury of having invisible friends, grown ups just have to end with a sad blog, a sad song and a comforting cup of coffee that would hurt later even more.

Just in a self-pity and I-hate-the-world mode…

Imagine ‘Two beds and a coffee machine’ being played in the background…

Another ditch in the road you keep moving, another stop sign you keep moving on…

I would like to believe somebody somewhere is singing a song for me, even though they don’t know me. Maybe a Brandi Carlile song ‘Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain’.

Posted from WordPress for Android

Recipe of me…!!!!

Mix few glasses of anger

With little swagger,

A jar of tears

Salty yet so clear,

A spoon of awesomeness

A bag full of emotional mess

Few cups of hopelessness,

Pain and sorrow

One box each

10-12 glasses of fear

Some scream some screech,

½ a cup of fault

All the parts

Of a finely shredded heart,

Garnish it with anxiety

& breathlessness,

Pinch of stress

And perfectly cut pieces

Of facelessness

emptiness

& lies,

Stir it neatly

And you might

get it right,

The recipe

Of creating me….

 

 

 

Kiss me Hardy, Kiss me Quick…!!!!

Oh Julie, Oh Julie

I haven’t been able to get these words out of my head since last night, since I finished reading Code Name Verity. I have never cried so much over a book, never. In fact, I couldn’t manage through last 47 pages without sniffing and crying and sobbing. Page 285 broke my heart forever, I don’t think I can ever recover from it.

I remember going to bed with tears in my eyes when I finished Moon at Nine, but I don’t remember crying this bad on any book.

Oh Maddie, Oh Maddie

Elizabeth Wein has written a master piece with everything from WWII, Nazis, true friendship, time testing love, courage, revenge, death and loss, all weaved so beautifully into words that ripped through my heart. I dont know if she got enough credit for this one. I would like to tell her what a lovely piece of fiction she has given to us.

Dear Elizabeth Wein,

I have no idea if you relate more to Maddie or Julie or the poor Engel, I don’t know who was your favorite character when penning this book down, I don’t know if you cried as much as I cried when that bus was on that bridge and I don’t know if I can ever get these names and people out of my head, but I do know you have done a bloody too good a job with the story, the characters, the name, the emotion and thrill.

Just want to thank you for letting me meet Queenie and Maddie.

Just a fan of your book,

Little

If the story and drama wasn’t enough, this book has some amazing lines and oh the humour…

It’s like being in love, discovering your best friend

Till last page, I hoped, I prayed, I begged. But…Oh Maddie, Oh Maddie.

I am not good with reviews, never have written any so all I can say is that Code Name Verity is one fine piece of historical fiction with enough drama, action, pain and emotions to change your life. All I can say is READ IT, READ IT.

It was around 2 o’clock when I decided to finish this one chapter and sleep but when I reached that one page I couldn’t sleep, how could I. I knew I had to finish it now.

Fly the plane, Maddie

Even if it meant spending my Friday with my head in my hands and a burned out brain. I did spend spend my Friday like a zombie but I couldn’t help it.

I don’t know for whom I cried more for Queenie or Maddie. But I do know when Julie yelled Kiss Me Hardy, Kiss Me Quick and when Maddie  fired that shot, I was left in pieces. IMG_20150515_025602

Damn! You Nazis. In every book, you make my stomach churn but this time you went way too far. Dammit.

There 4-5 books that i would re-read again and this one goes on the top of the list.

IMG_20150515_202034

 

Don’t quite know, how to say how I feel…!!!!!

Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.

For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life  am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.

Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy

The carousel never stops moving

Derek Shepherd? Seriously? I mean seriously?

Spoiler Alert for Grey’s Anatomy-

Okay! Im speechless. So speechless, because I just saw Grey’s Anatomy killing a major character. Okay! Shonda Rhimes you did it again, after killing every good character and shipping off Christina away, now you murdered the epic love story of Twisted Grey and her McDreamy. Last I felt this much of shock was when George died.

Till the last scene I was hoping he wont die but being a Grey’s follower I knew it was pointless to hope for survival.

I dont get it, what’s with tv shows now. They expect us to watch Grey’s Anatomy without Derek Shepherd and Vampire Diaries without Elena Gilbert. What is wrong with TV?

I’m sad, little confused and cant wait for next episode because I don’t know what is going to happen in Shondaland now. Shonda Rhimes you and your shows are kind of make me forget its all just fiction, actors and stories. With so much of killing I think you are the Serial Killer of TV shows but woman I love your shows. The drama, the emotions and the characters. Love it all.

I am also not sure, where and how we managed to reach this episode. Weren’t we just worried about Meredith and Derek getting separated with all the fighting and the we were chewing off our nails because Derek might be a cheater. Next thing we know, they are back to being crazy in love and then he dies.Whatever was the plot, I just think its way too soon.

Its just its way too soon, we just lost Christina to some super awesome hospital. I wonder what happens next with Meredith, Amelia and the rest of the surgeons as in how they take this in. I kind of worry more about Amelia for some reason. Shonda if you are listening at least bring back Meredith’s person. Its time we have Christina back. I know i’m just playing with hope, what can i say we just lost Mc-Dreamy.

derek-sheperd

P.S the choice of song in the end. Takes us back to a whole different era of Grey’s Anatomy when everyone was alive and still a part of the original cast.

I miss my Alfred…!!!!!

Today I went to a shop and while I was looking around I saw Pedigree there. I started looking through the different products, the dog bones, the food and the stuff for dental hygiene etc and then for a second I almost said to myself “this dental thing looks good I should get this” and then it struck me, I don’t have a dog. It struck me I keep forgetting my Snowy has gone forever. It broke my already broken heart to million more pieces.

I miss my Snowy so much, some days it gets unbearable. When I see people walking their dogs, I feel like hugging their pets for I miss mine. God! It hurts so much.

Sometimes I dream a dream of him and that’s when it hurts the most because it feels so real and then I end up waking to a hole left by him. He was my life. He was Alfred to my Batman.

Dear Puppy,

I miss you so much that it hurts every single day…!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Step one, step two, step three…step thousand & eighty three…!!!!

She has been walking

For hours

For years

All alone

For miles

Yet its the same

The road

The sky

The load

Of her emptiness

Is her only

Companion

Her Oblivion

Is her only friend

So much walking

She finds herself

At same place

With no grace

She is a face

With questions

She throws

At the birds

The crows

The wall

The sky

And then few more steps

Few more turns

She stifles a cry

Drags herself

From left to right

All alone

With heart so

Heavy like a stone

She is bitter

Punished by her own existence

To her

Nothing makes sense

Where and when it all began

The plan

Of universe

The mess

She has fallen into

Step one

Step two

Step one thousand & eighty three

When will she get free

For she wants no more

Of hopes and words

Sticks and stones and swords

Mean nothing to her

For

She fears the unseen

She wince

In pain

I quit she says

Yet she stays

On the road to nowhere

So much of moving

Still is here

She never moved

She never will

Standing still

Even after years of struggle

In the misty road of pain

She snuggles

up to herself in vain

How long has she been walking?

How long has this sadness been stalking?

She asks once more

She has lost the count and score

It comes back to

Step one

Step two

Some more tears

Another silent sniffle

And step three

Step four

Hundred more

To go

Thousands more to count

While she continues to mount…!!!

Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille