The Fault Is Not In Our Stars, But In Ourselves…!!!!!

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I don’t know how good is the movie based on the “Faults in Our Stars”, but I’m glad i read the book first. I always prefer to read before i watch the movie version. Sarah’s Key, Not without my daughter, The perks of being a wallflower , The book thief and The girl with the dragon tattoo are few such books i read first before i saw the movie versions. I rarely make good decisions but there are exceptional days.

So how was the book “The Faults in Our Stars”? Well, sad but humorous. It’s hard to show death in a humorous way. Death isn’t a topic people prefer to talk about but the characters in this book aren’t living in denial. No one is. The kids and the parents are all well aware of the dark cloud hanging above them all.

It’s a beautiful story with young love, metaphors, teenagers, friendship, Amsterdam, mom, cancer, crazy humour and a weird but comforting relationship of happiness and sadness without denial or hope being around.

I’m not good with book review like some people are. Seriously, writing a review is a hard thing and requires great talent. So, all i can say is its a good book. I was under the impression that it was another predictable story with a dying young girl in love with a young boy. Probably because i have had seen a movie with the same theme (wont name the movie in case you are planning to watch it), but to my surprise this wasn’t the case.

Best part was that while i took 3 days to read 160 some pages, i finished the remaining book today. Gosh, im getting better. I’m so glad my TV Shows are on break.

My next book is “Number the Stars” by Lois Lowry.

Dear George Mallory…!!!!

It took me sometime but i finally managed to finish “Love letters to the dead” and I’m ready for the new novel based on series “The Killing. Can’t wait. Love letters to the dead was more or like similar to “The perks of being a wallflower” but both the books have their own charm. A part of me relates to protagonists in both the books, for a moment there i couldn’t help but notice that Charlie was projection of my own self in a different way.

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I haven’t written letters to anyone for ages now. I used to, once. I truly was good with letters because i used to write letters to my friends, close friends. Letters with and without reasons. Funny how we grow up and everything changes because of experiences and time and life.

If i was to write a letter to a dead celebrity, like Laurel did in the book, i would choose George Mallory. When i read Paths of Glory all i wanted to know was what happened to him and his partner. I mean did they make it? Did he get to put his wife’s picture up there? What happened that day? Where is Andrew Irvine?

I’m nothing like George Mallory but his life fascinates me. His love for Ruth and Everest is amazing. If only i was that kind of person, with true motivation and hunger in me. If only, I was driven by a passion so deep, so true. I want to ask him, if he was scared when he fell? Did he felt lost? Cause i m scared all the time and I feel lost all the time. I wonder what Ruth must have gone through, not the part where she lost her man but the part where she didn’t even know what happened to him, did he or did he not get to make his dream come true? I’m obsessed with it, wonder if it bothered her and for how long? If only Mallory could know how his grandson followed his footstep and kept his legacy alive by reaching the Everest.

For me George Mallory and Amelia Earhart are two heroes, real heroes. I’m obsessed with their mysteries. I can only hope TIGHAR would one day find her plane. We can’t bring her back or know what exactly happened, but it would be like having a closure.

I’m going to miss Liesel Meminger because i finished reading ‘The Book Thief’…finally

I am a person who can watch a horror flick all alone with no one in the room, but i cant face truth, abandonment and heartache. I fear no ghost, however I do fear getting attached and then being left all alone with heartache.

Today I will tell you something about me, which a shrink would tell me if I ever went to see one. But I already know this. I suffer from fear of saying goodbye even to the most non-existent and materialistic things in life such as a fictional character, a story, a book, a pen, a beautiful coffee mug or just a good movie.

There is a reason why I often tend to get stuck in between a story I’m writing or a book I’m reading. I get scared of the fact that the ending is near, so I try to avoid writing much or I distract myself with silly things, endless number of TV shows or songs to make sure I read nothing or close to a page or two because I don’t want the book to end. True story, crazy but totally true.

But not only have I started writing again, I also finally spent my whole day reading and I finally managed to finish “The Book Thief”. No more excuses, no mores distractions, no more fear of saying goodbye to Liesel Meminger and her Papa. I just sat and read, even when I was around people I read.

There are books I can read again, books I would like to have with me if I’m ever stuck on an island all myself. These books have people I love, stories that made me cry and smile, feel real human emotions and these books have their own share of pain which for some reason made me forget mine.

I think I’m now going to dedicate a page to my top favourite books and sure “The Book Thief” would be there. I never thought it’s possible to see Death as anything else but a morbid sad phenomenon. Markus Zusak gave a voice to death in such as way that all I wanted to do was not finish the book. Because I was scared that once its over, i would no longer read more about what happened on Himmel Street.

I won’t give the story, but if you don’t mind reading a little dark but painfully beautiful story about a German girl in a Nazi Germany then my friends this is your book.

The last book that left an impression on me this big was “Perks of being a Wallflower” for I still crave to re-read it again, only I don’t.

Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.

I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.

Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.

How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:

“You know you should grow your hair”

“Why don’t you wear heel?”

“Wow?  You never wore mascara?”

“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”

“So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”

I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.

I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.

I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me.  Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.

When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.

The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.

You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.

 

 

 

I need to spend more time reading…!!!!

I should sleep right now but then I guess little writing would be good for me too. I had a good weekend, relaxed, slow and less stressed which means I can be brave enough for Monday and the rest of the days before I go back to my weekend.

I finally finished “The Perk of Being a Wallflower” and like I said before it’s a nice book, at least for me it is.  Every page of the book was like reading about me only in different circumstances with different loved ones and friends. This is the second book that I have related to like this, first being The Diary of Anne Frank. I guess it’s the way these books were written, the format of writing letters or diary and the thoughts of a teenage boy and girl. Because, I recall writing like that in my old diaries about people around me, my friends and myself.

There is line at the end of the book says something like “there are people with worst things in life happening to them but it doesn’t change who you are or what you are going through”. I think that’s what the line was trying to say. Why I liked it? Because I have everything a job with good salary, loved ones who love me and I’m healthy yet I can’t stop my sadness, the emptiness or the darkness. Maybe my reason is small and maybe compared to others I have more than I deserve but I still feel the pain. Maybe my reason is a dot but when it hurts it hurts. In one chapter, Charlie got stoned and wrote about how he feels when he goes blue and it’s hard to feel good. The way he described it I realized I kind of feel that way too.

I think I love the way Charlie sees his friends and family in the book, especially Sam. His vision of friendship is unique and so innocent. When Sam said that he keeps others happiness above his and that’s not love I realized what she meant, but isn’t that’s what makes Charlie different from Patrick, Craig, Peter and everyone else?

Tomorrow I plan to start reading Fountainhead and I am also going to order “Sarah’s Keys” to read.

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i feel like a faker…!!!!

I had a bad day and I don’t know what to say if you have a question ‘why?’, because nothing happened.

Today I’m at a bad place mentally, I’m the girl I was before I believed in hope and dawn. I wanted to and I still want to talk about it to someone but I don’t want to worry anyone.

Right now I’m reading “the perks of being a wallflower”. I don’t want this book to end, ever. I like it so much. I will explain why I like this book once I finish it which would make me sad, but then again I’m already sad.

“I feel like a faker”…its a line from this book and I was wondering if it was for me.

Got to go, goodnight world!

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