Happy Friday night…
Love & Calories,
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Today was one of those days when you just want to escape everything and everyone. You don’t want to be at work but you don’t want to go home either. You don’t want to talk to people at work or people at home. But there is no other place to be because your life is work or home.
This is where someone from universe sings me…
When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown
I cant though, not now because its just Tuesday and there are still few days left before weekend walks back into my arms and kisses me.
Some songs aren’t just music and lyrics, they are mp3 hugs created by universe through some extra talented person with the sole purpose of letting you know it’s going to be okay, even if doesn’t, just keep holding on…!!!!
Last night I wrote 1300 some words for Dominique part II, yes you heard it right. I still haven’t finished the Part 1 and now I have few pages for part 2 with me.
What? how? why?…well, for past few months I have been struggling with a block because I had stories inside my head but I couldn’t write them down. Just couldn’t. There was this one particular story that I narrated to a friend who loved it, the concept. He asked me to work on it, because he would love to read it. So I thought cool I can do that. But I couldn’t. I would sit and stare at the plain MS word document.
Yesterday I had a dream, true story, I’m talking to some writer don’t know who and I’m asking the person how do you work on a book when you have two or three different stories banging and colliding with each other in a tiny head of yours. I woke up with no answer, I went to work, I worked, I sulked, I drank coffee and I listened to music and BANG #Epiphany.
Universe from some corner threw an idea to me. It hit me and I was like “That’s it”. I mean here i was listening to Digital Daggers and i just saw the whole story right in front of my eyes with the song being a perfect background score.
So simple, I had it all right in front of me. I merged the two stories because come one weren’t they meant to be. The story goes like this -you can’t work on A cause you are thinking of B and you can work on B cause A is still at the back of your mind. So you club A and B…TaDa!
So my friends, I think I’m back…I think…Cheers…
If i a have choice to be born as someone else, i would probably not take it because i have had a good life so far and the people i have in my life are my life. But, some days i do wonder what if i had choice to not be me.
Lying all day all night, pretending and faking has made me a bitter and mean person which kind of hurts people and me too. I realise how i have become the bad guy among people in my life, directly and indirectly. Either they don’t know this maybe or they are just not sure how to fix it. I wasn’t this bad-ass mean person; i was once a girl who was nicer. Before i became the misfit, before i found out why i always was different, before i found how i can never be a part of sunshine world, before i realized how i am two different person in one body – one is what im and one is for what people want to see. Before all this, i was quite a nice little girl with not a single bone of meanness inside her.
Since im kind of cranky right now, i think i shouldn’t write much so im going to leave two songs i discovered and cant stop listening to. The one by Lesley Roy is probably written for me. I think even if i delete everything and just upload this one song, you would get my state of mind cause the lyrics are just i want to say.
This second one is probably way better than the original one. I think this guy has sung better than Bob Dylan and Adele. I cant stop listening to this one even though i am all Hulk right now. Right now, i feel like Kathleen Kelly from that scene where she closes her shop, walks home and sits alone in a corner with a soup bowl wondering where to go from there, feeling all lost and beaten by universe.
Super Heroes don’t need saving but i think that gotta change, because i could use a little help here. I think I’m losing my super powers or maybe I’m going through that phase that even Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman went through. Remember that scene where he stops believing in himself and one fine day while jumping from one building to another he SWOOOSHHH falls down.
Well that’s how things are with me. I mean i know I’m blue and blue but i thought that’s my own personal little secret but twice in the week people asked me if ‘I’m okay’ and that ‘i look sad or low’. Whoa! I thought i had my mask on. While i was being Spidey, people saw me as Peter Parker. Not good.
You know what’s sadder than the fact that I’m not writing this year? The fact that my NaNoWriMo account is not taking my sign up details. Can’t Sign in. Changed password so many times in fact even tried to use the Support guys to help me. Is that a “Sign” from the universe? Is the universe saying “Love- 40”?.
Right now, I wish to type everything that is inside me, even the deepest darkest corner of me but then that would be crazy and the end of my social existence. I don’t really care about people, wasn’t born that way but I do care about people in my life.
Sometimes I try to tell myself maybe it’s all going to end up fine, maybe everything that will happen will only put pieces in their right places and I will find the dawn. Maybe is a big word but I can’t trust it, so I don’t live in the whole aura of maybe. I can’t.
It’s snowing in the northern part of my country and I wish I could just take a break, pack my bag and go there. Only problem, it’s me and I can’t do that. Then again I do have a vacation plan I just need universe to not screw it. yesterday after a long long time I wrote few pages on one of my pocket diary that I keep in my bag for “breakdown” days when I end up going bluer than blue. So I wrote and it felt good.
I’m supposed to sleep now and I will do just that.
Today in the evening when I came home I accidentally placed my phone on a wet surface; there was some water on the table. I cleaned it and then I forgot. Few minutes later I was walking snowy when I realised my phone is off. My phone usually doesn’t switch off even on low battery and as far I remember it had some battery I think. I tried to restart it but I won’t start, I panicked. Usually the first thought people have about their dead phone is how to receive or make calls, my first thought was “fck no don’t die how will I go to office without music and headphones”. True story. I panicked that with no phone I will have no access to my music and there are still 2 more days to go before weekend.
I really need an iPod or something because while my phone is fine and alive it might someday actually die and leave me with no music. I will die if I have to go through my day without my headphones. I need music to turn off the whole cocktail of emotions inside me or in some cases to start flow of emotions.
Good news my mother is coming back tomorrow.
So its 130 and i need coffee, actually i need to sleep coffee is something i want to cheer me up. I wish i had icecream in the fridge but there is none. Okay i really need to go, i have Gotham and two more days. I am so looking forward to the weekend so i can sleep for 9-10 hours like crazy.
Have to work on Jane Doe too on the weekend. I miss the thrill of November but it’s okay December is my favourite month too.