I want an ice-cream, a hug and a dog…!!!!

I have been suffering from some weird kind of pain in my right side and now it’s almost in every corner of my stomach. So now when i breathe i wince in pain. Problem is i kind of don’t want to fall sick, not now. Not the right time dude. Any other time would have been okay but not now.

My second problem is “Summer” and if you are an Indian or have been to this side of the world, you would know why that’s a problem. Bloody too damn hot and you what’s the crazy part of the story, my car’s A.C has just died. Awesome. The car company says they have ordered some part that isn’t working and so i have to wait.

So i might be dying. It won’t rain. My car’s AC is dead. The book i pre-ordered is yet to come. This year i have missed on every single Super Hero movie. A good friend of mine and i are now acting like strangers. My stories are still standing where they were, half and incomplete.

I think i can write an essay on things going wrong but i rather not. Cause good thing is my father is recovering and im so relieved. Im not really that close to him like most of the daughters are but seeing him unwell was not cool.

 

 

 

Its been a year now…!!!!

tippy

Last year on this day i lost my Snowy and it kind of has affected me so much that i, some days, dream that he is back. I know some people dont think losing a pet is a loss big enough, but for me it is. I met him when i was this young little teenager, a school girl, and we both grew up together.

13 years of togetherness, 13 years of coming home to his happy face, 13 years of him dragging me out of my bed ever morning, 13 years of him sleeping at the corner of my bed, 13 years of my talking to him about life when no one was around, 13 years of him and me being best friends, 13 years of him running away from bath with shampoo all over him and me running around the house trying to get him back to the bath, 13 years of him staring at me with those big black eyes every time i had a chocolate in my hand, 13 years of he and me playing Hide n Seek at home with him being confused when i would call his name and hide and not to be found….

13 years of every day and night being around. He was family and it hurts to not see him around, it hurts to go through a whole year knowing its not a dream. He died right in front of me, he was sick and in pain. That one month i didn’t sleep well because i would get up at night to check up on him. because i was worried and scared, because he was unwell.

He was my savior. I don’t think i can ever get over this pain.

I don’t think anyone knows what this day means to me, how much it hurts to think of this day, how hard it has been to keep this one memory deep inside and locked.

I miss coming home and calling his name…every evening i would just open the door and say “Tippy im home”…

huh!

I think my body has had enough of the blues, its kind of going crazy on me like its angry or something. Huh! Now what did i do?

I realized one thing, actually its a discovery, that i hate music when im not well. Imagine that. I mean i cant stay away from my headphones and today i couldn’t even like one song. I hated them all, Avril, Brandi, FUN…you name them i didn’t like them. Whoa! Weird.

My head is kind of going left and right today, so i think i should just sleep early. What i hate about falling sick is not the pain but the fact that it’s the time when everyone would tell you all the things you did wrong. The lifestyle, the eating habits, the ignorance towards health etc etc etc. Guess that happens.

I kind of had an argument and Im angry right now, really Hulk angry but unfortunately im so exhausted that i can’t feel the anger, it’s like am angry but i have no energy to act like an angry person. Weird. This day can’t get any weirder.

superman coffee

Got to go.

Goodnight World!

 

Sometimes, its okay to bleed hope…!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was like people who are always shiny, bubbly, hopeful and all rainbow, i wish i was. But im not, truth is im anything but happy and right now im just at a point where im trying to keep me together because i worry about myself.

I want to talk but i cant.

Tuesday night something snapped inside me, i slept blue woke up blue. Then i fell ill on Wednesday while working, nothing major just stomach issues and something inside me was jumping and dancing, happy to find an excuse to leave work. I told my boss that im not well, went home early and decided to stay home next day too. So i didn’t go to Gotham today, just stayed in my room. The whole stomach cramps were like blessing in disguise for me, because i was more of emotionally sick than physical.

How am i now? My stomach is good but im not okay. But i cant stay home tomorrow, so i will put up a smile and go live the Friday to come back and fall apart again. Some-days every cell inside my body refuses to feel hopeful, today is that day or this is that week.
Worst is i cant let people know because i dont want to be that person who likes to be sad for no reason. Yes, sure i have no sad relationship, my parents love me, i have a pretty good job finances wise, im all healthy and i have friends. But, it doesn’t mean my reason to be sad is invalid, its just invisible.

Anyhow, its just okay. Days like these happen.

I may not even be the S of sunshine but im pretty okay when it comes to pretending to be all sparkly, only right now my awesomeness has bled out leaving me all dark and blue. Its not my fault, its the whole life thing gets to you ripping apart every layer of hope and false beliefs you hide under.

I find myself going to the place i don’t want to.

I know what i need, i need a haircut, book shopping, i need to go back to badminton and few days alone in my room. The kind of mood im in right now, there is no guarantee that these things will work, but a girl can only try. Plus, i love myself too much to see myself like this.

Better go now, i have Friday to take care of before i can fall into the arms of weekend for the much needed hug.
Goodnight World!

P.S i know i might have mentioned this before but still…Brandi Carlile is awesome

People with a good memory are doomed to suffer from nostaligia…!!!!

It wasn’t a good day and I don’t know why. I think it had something to do with my stupid stomach and the fact that I’m kinda low on hope for past two days. But no complaints cause everything was fine after 730.

Sometimes there are things that just happen out of the blue and I realize I’m an idiot. Living in denial and hope, when at the end there is dawn, no escape. Since past two days I have been having this feeling that there is no happy ending and all the hope I have is nothing but a lie. I told myself to stop kidding and accept the fact. I was humming to a song trying to make myself happy when voices told me, what’s the use..why am I being happy when I know I’m doomed.

The part of me that lost hope was begging me to not do anything to feel good, cause its all going to go in vain. How crazy is that? Pretty much. I’m glad I’m self obsessed soul…so I went and got me a brand new Vero Mooda trouser. I know I should not smile because there is no happy ending but I can’t breathe if I accept reality. So I lie to myself.

I wish I could ask someone to hug me and not let go. I wish I could just ask someone to tell me “its okay”.
I know what I need, I need a two days with just me and my room and my stories and coffee. I need one night of fiction marathon. I need to visit Dominique or Jane Doe. I know how to refill my empty can of hopes, but for that I need a weekend. Sadly, my saturday is working.

For some reason I can’t get this Ed Sheeran song out of my head – give me love.

Got to go now, I have to get up at 7 to play. I have been trying to play everyday, workout everyday.

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