I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.
You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.
Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.
Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.
Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.
My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.
Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.
Brother: Everyone is coming
Me: Nodding and smiling just a little
Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.
Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.
Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.
Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.
I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.
I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!