You lost me at…wait, who are you again?

I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.

No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?

It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?

Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.

Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.

While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.

It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.

At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.

batman superhero

Fly me to the moon…!!!!

Last two days were beautiful and I’m glad I fought the fear of being around people. Gotham city and its people went for a trip and Batman was invited too. Yep! We had an office trekking trip and I after spending days singing ‘To go or not to go’ finally said yes and went.

Have black and blue marks over my arms, got stung by thorns while trekking and slipping hundred times and have a twisted ankle that hurts bad…but it was all worth cause I had an amazing time. I walked out of my comfort zone, went trekking with people I usually say Hi and nothing more, stayed in tents, went hiking and trekking and was away from my mp3 player, my novel, my coffee and my internet for two whole days.

I missed two things, a friend because I wish she could see the place and I missed my music. Yes I miss music even when I’m having time of my life. But truth is I want to do more of such stuff, escape the crazy world and drive down to mountains and live at a remote but highly beautiful place where all you can hear is sound of wind and your own heart beat.

Even as I sit with a bandage on my foot, I can’t stop wondering when I would get a break like this again.

During the trek there came a moment when everyone went ahead and I stood listening to the sound of wind all alone. We were on a mountain and the wind was blowing crazy, so I stood while everyone kept walking. It was beautiful, scary but beautiful and for a second I wished I could just sit down there let everyone go back and leave me. I wanted to stay back there forever. Because despite the fact that I almost got lost on top of a mountain surrounded by trees, and nothing but trees, and super strong wind that sounded like waterfall, I felt so safe.

I was so far away from things I fear. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t.

I don’t miss the fun or the place, I miss that one moment when i felt the wind through me and all i could think about was the fact that I felt no fear. I miss being not afraid.

Some people are like cover songs…beautiful in their own way!!!!

 

Why do we have to hate what we cant understand?

Well UK has now legalized same sex marriage and i was going through some tweets, at first i found many supportive tweets mostly congratulating and celebrating the whole change. But then there were those hateful tweets almost cursing everyone and anyone who supports the new law.

I get it, people not opening to the idea of homosexuality. But what i don’t get, is the hate.

Truth is, my head hurts right now. I have had a very very busy day and its going to be same tomorrow. I wanted to stay up and read but i think that would be suicide. I need to sleep for me, because my boss wont care if i’m dying all he needs is this deadline thing to be taken care of.

Vacation. That’s what i need. I think i would be planning one soon, if i managed to survive by then.

Note to 2014…I dig Happy Endings !!!!! – Part2

I know I’m supposed to be asleep by now, as per my resolution list. I did nothing from my list of things I want to do with New Year on the horizon, except evening jog in freakin cold weather.

I had four days off from Gotham and I can’t believe vacation is over. I don’t know if 2014 is going to be a great year, because I can never say that about any year. I can only hope it’s the year when I get Dawn. You know I felt the same about 2013 or 2012 but alas I am still waiting.

I don’t have speeches about how 2013 did things for me and how I expect amazing things from 2014, because at the end it’s me. I’m happy now, blue next moment. But yes, 2013 was a year with so much happening. It took Snowy from me something I would never forget no matter what year comes and goes. I lost a friend and 2013 would never leave my memory.

2013 was also the year, when I sent my story to publishing houses. That’s like crossing a check point in my bucket list. Yeah! I know I ain’t a published writer and might never be. But I took a step. Huge step. It’s like a big thing for me, to write and complete a novel and send it to a publication house. Big thing. Makes me feel proud of me. Only thing I have to cherish when it comes to my achievements because most of the time I’m drowning in self pity.

I don’t know if 2014 is going to good or bad…I do know I have another turn on my route to Dawn. I can only hope and have faith this turn would bring me closer to happiness, love, truth, freedom and myself.

I wanted to be so many thing when I was growing up, even a house wife at one point, but today right now all I want to be is Happy. And I would like to believe 2014 is the year I would get that…happiness.

I’m scared of 2014 like i was scared of 2013 or the year before, but lets just keep that between you and me and let 2014 think i am Awesome…!!!! 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you 🙂 😀

Not sure if im happy or sad about the vacation getting over..!!!

Would I be lying if I said that I wasnt missing Gotham and my room? I guess the answer is a simple word Yes.

Yesterday when I boarded that bus back to my city I was sad because I wanted to stay little more. I was having fun, I was away from my world of worries. But it would be wrong to say I was sunshine. I missed my world of aloofness but then I knew eventually I would be back to being a superhero soon. I wanted to stay, I wanted to come back.

Today was a weird day. Dont know why.
I guess from tomorrow I will feel at home and everything will feel normal.

Goodnight world!

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Little is having fun…!!!!

An indian wedding is nothing but crazy. Tonight we laughed so much that i don’t know when was the last time i had a moment like this.

Wedding and the whole relative gathering still scares me, i miss my Friday nights, lonely karaoke and endless cups of coffee but i wont deny im enjoying this tiny break from everyday ‘s monotonous work routine.

Everyone is like you are next Little but my defense mechanism is totally immune to it. Its amazing how im filtering all scary stuff and having a good time.

Im not like any person here but its okay. I needed a break.

This house is where i have spent a huge time of my baby childhood days, when i was a sweet little girl who knew nothing about life. I love this house because of my childhood memories. I wasn’t really close to my grandmother but everytime i visit this house a part of me wants to see her once. Dont know why but i kind of miss her, like this house feels incomplete without her. I don’t even think i ever spent more than five minutes with her after growing up but im used to visiting this place with her being there.

I must go now. My throat is itchy and there are two more days of crazy indian wedding with so much fun.

Best part kids love me. Don’t know why and how. But im popular among my nieces and nephews.

Goodnight world!

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Some days i tell myself it rained for me…!!!!

Today was a good day because I had fun, because I was with friends, because it was raining and because I was driving through puddles of water splashing water and screaming like a kid.

Some days I’m happy because I’m living inside my head, a world away from the one in front of my eyes and then there are days I’m living in past, the faint memories of good days that went by in a jiffy. Today was one such day; I was having fun and remembering good old days when a day like today was every day.

Right now I wish I was with my brother on his trip, but I’m not. He and my cousin are going to Srinagar the most beautiful land I have ever known.

Break, vacation, holiday…3 words I haven’t been friends with for long now. Some days I wish I had time to just sit idle all day, waste hours and not worry about it because I had time lots of it, to waste. But then I cant sit idle.

You know some of the very good publication houses don’t take unsolicited work which means I can strike them of my list, because I don’t have agents or money to hire one. I may never become an author people would recommend but I want to become an author, one who got published.

Life doesn’t look good from where I stand but at least I can say I went down fighting, right?

Most of us don’t realise how quickly life changes because we are too busy mixing up with and adapting to the changes, new faces, new routines and the new world. This is where I end up being the last one standing, because when these changes cover my world I can’t stop pushing myself to the place I was standing.

Today I don’t have any episode to watch so I’m wondering, book? Download some episode? Watch one of the movies on my laptop? Write a new story? Edit Jane Doe? Watch TV? Or just lie down with my headphones on?

I am enjoying the weather, because monsoon is like the best time of the year. It’s rainy, windy, chilly and nice. If you know what Indian summers are like, you will love monsoon too.

A cup of coffee, a rainy day, a slow day, laptop and headphones…just few of the things I want. I hope I get it tomorrow, I hope it rains again tomorrow; I hope I can just be me and have some Me-Time tomorrow again.

Today I was sitting alone in my car, waiting for my friends, and I saw this street dog and I was looking at him and smiling. A part of me wanted to just go and hug him, something that happens a lot. If I could I would hug every dog I see. Because I can’t hug mine, I can’t. This is one void that will hurt me forever even if I get my Dawn, even if life gives me a miracle and I end up happy. I don’t think I can ever stop missing Snowy.

I got to go, hope it will be a rainy day tomorrow because I need it to be, because I am a sad soul who looks for tiny little happy moments to recharge the inner awesomeness.

Goodnight World!

P.S i think i will write something anything, Dominique maybe.

My shrink has advised a song every hour, for next few years…!!!!

Right now, I wish to type everything that is inside me, even the deepest darkest corner of me but then that would be crazy and the end of my social existence. I don’t really care about people, wasn’t born that way but I do care about people in my life.

Sometimes I try to tell myself maybe it’s all going to end up fine, maybe everything that will happen will only put pieces in their right places and I will find the dawn. Maybe is a big word but I can’t trust it, so I don’t live in the whole aura of maybe. I can’t.

It’s snowing in the northern part of my country and I wish I could just take a break, pack my bag and go there. Only problem, it’s me and I can’t do that. Then again I do have a vacation plan I just need universe to not screw it. yesterday after a long long time I wrote few pages on one of my pocket diary that I keep in my bag for “breakdown” days when I end up going bluer than blue. So I wrote and it felt good.

I’m supposed to sleep now and I will do just that.

Today in the evening when I came home I accidentally placed my phone on a wet surface; there was some water on the table. I cleaned it and then I forgot. Few minutes later I was walking snowy when I realised my phone is off.  My phone usually doesn’t switch off even on low battery and as far I remember it had some battery I think. I tried to restart it but I won’t start, I panicked. Usually the first thought people have about their dead phone is how to receive or make calls, my first thought was “fck no don’t die how will I go to office without music and headphones”. True story. I panicked that with no phone I will have no access to my music and there are still 2 more days to go before weekend.

I really need an iPod or something because while my phone is fine and alive it might someday actually die and leave me with no music. I will die if I have to go through my day without my headphones. I need music to turn off the whole cocktail of emotions inside me or in some cases to start flow of emotions.

Good news my mother is coming back tomorrow.

So its 130 and i need coffee, actually i need to sleep coffee is something i want to cheer me up. I wish i had icecream in the fridge but there is none. Okay i really need to go, i have Gotham and two more days. I am so looking forward to the weekend so i can sleep for 9-10 hours like crazy.

Have to work on Jane Doe too on the weekend. I miss the thrill of November but it’s okay December is my favourite month too.

Goodnight world!

Dear NaNoWriMo, please dont die on me…!!!!

I wasted the day doing nothing, could have written or gotten me a much needed haircut but I didn’t was too busy pitying myself. Only good thing I did was cleaning my wardrobe and dusting my room. Also helped mum with Diwali lights, candles and wrapping gifts.

I need something nice to snap out of my state of mind, though next 2-3 days are filled with nice things. Yet, I don’t know how to get out of my given-up mood. Everything is so good right now, I’m on a vacation with exception of Monday, its Diwali, world around me is all bright and twinkling with lights…but I can’t smile. At one point a part of me argued with me so hard, begged me to go to city with my brother, get me a haircut and shop a little. But I stood there fixing my wardrobe not wanting to move. It felt like if I moved I would fall into million pieces.

Now, I regret not getting the haircut it’s not easy to go to city with 5 days of Gotham. Dammit! Little why the fck do you have to sulk and waste precious time? My NaNoWriMo is going to die with the pace I’m moving.

Got to go I won’t sleep before I make today’s count more than 1500.

Anybody who believes diamonds are a girl’s best friend…has definitely never met me. Don’t even ask why I said that.