Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

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Er, excuse me mister vampire, could you please compel me?

I read my ‘About Page’ and i kind of wanted to change it, make it more real. So, i wrote a long page with new stuff and it went like this …

A self-labelled super hero, I am nothing but a loner, a dark and delusional human being with a good heart but unhappy soul. That’s me. Because i live in a world where you don’t get a pass to be you unless you are what others are. Normal by acceptable norms set by a world crazy in itself. I was funny once, even with the darkness inside, i was awesome once but now i’m too tired and exhausted to be that.

There was more to it and if had continued i would have probably said things i want to. Then i smiled, realized how sleep deprived i’m and needy for pity. So, i pressed backspace again and again and again.

Truth is, i had an okay day, not great, not bad but decent. For some part of it i was even smiling and chair dancing while working on my PC at Gotham. But now, i am alone and stripped of my super hero uniform.

Sometimes i wish the whole TVD compel thing was for real, i could use some compelling to forget things, truth and the ache that has become my skin.

If i could i would get myself compelled to be somebody i’m not. No biggie, im already living a lie i may as well live one i believe in too.

Somedays i’m more of a Vampire than a Superhero…!!!!

Okay! i seriously  needed to sleep on time today because i have a very busy day tomorrow but here im still awake…

Goodnight world!

P.S Don’t know if i ever told you this but i think Lindsey Stirling is super duper talented..

Sometimes a writer just needs one song, one right song…!!!!

It was just the kind of the day I needed, productive in terms of writing and super relaxing. It’s funny how my mind can make me do weird things. What is that? Well whole week I mentally worked on my new story, had even written one chapter and was dying to work more on it during weekend. And then on Friday I’m listening to a song by Agnes Obel, when I end up playing a whole new story inside my head.

I have a whole new story, new script and characters ready to come out on paper. So here I’m writing on the new untitled story instead of the one I was suppose to work on. But it’s okay because this one won’t let me think of anything else. It’s all crazy but good. I’m writing since morning and it is calming me down, making me all better and happy. The kind of week I had, I needed something good and writing this story is kind of fixing me.

Though I wish I would just go out for a while, I do but, I mean to the city. I need a haircut, I’m avoiding it. I have few errands in city, I’m avoiding them. I’m like a vampire who won’t leave the house because I don’t have my sunlight ring.

Anyhow, another good thing about the day is the fact that I have found my next publication house. Well fingers crossed, again. I will keep doing this again and again till I end up succeeding. And I will; I would like to believe for I have no options. Like Meg Ryan’s character Karen Emma Walden says “No Surrender”. I am not giving up, not yet. I don’t know if you have seen this movie people, but if not then make Courage Under Fire your next movie.

Its late, I should go now. O I can’t believe Saturday is over. You know what I want for my birthday next month? Of course, an acceptance letter. How cool would that be?

Goodnight World!

From Superhero to Vampire…!!!!

Nothing productive again…i wonder if I was better without a weekend.

Am angry and bitter today. Feel so alone because today im angry with everyone I know, friends and family. Was so mad at my loved ones, because of a conversation I overheard, that I wanted to not talk to anyone. So I made me coffee, put my headphones and watched You’ve Got Mail for some 1000th time again. Meg Ryan was my escape. My love for Kathleen Kelly and her Shop Around The Corner will never stop surprising me.

Then I got up, changed into better clothes and drove to the market. I needed fresh air. Got me coffee and bought four new books before I came back home. Buying books was needed. I needed to do something for me.

“People are always telling you change is a good thing but all they are really saying is that something you didnt want to happen at all, has happened” This qoute from the movies sums up the truth about life in general.

Kathleen Kelly was brave to march towards unknown, im not. But I just love, love this movie and Meg.

Monday is here and I know how busy its going to be but am relieved for I had become a Vampire. Staying inside all day, hardly leaving my house.

Now am wondering if I should cancel my plan of taking off on my birthday. Happy birthday to me…yay…whats so yay about it. Have to go, bitter me needs to take a nap.

Goodnight world!

P.S im sorry for being absent from other blogs. Will be back. Just need my internet to get fixed. Blogging through phone is hard.

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“Im not a vampire” now repeat this one more time…!!!!

“Im not a vampire, Im not a vampire, Im not a vampire” Now repeat this one more time and remember a human being sleeps at night.

I am on leave for two days because my father is unwell and alone at home. We missed the wedding. Now I’m home being a homely person. I make tea and I cook. Something I do only under “mom not home” circumstances.

Two days I did not touch my story, didn’t do anything worthwhile, wasted doing nothing at all. I need to sleep on time. Right now my head hurts because I was up till 230am doing nothing.
Yesterday I was a different kind of sad. I wasn’t angry or crying, I was actually being rational. I told myself that chances are I’m going to end up being where I don’t want to, I might end up living a lie all my life but either ways I should never forget the real me, never ever regret not even a second of my story.

Right now I want to just sleep, but I have to make breakfast for my dad, give him his medicines and then make something for myself though am not hungry at all. I’m writing through my phone as an effort to keep me awake.

I want to close my eyes so badly. I wish I would do it at night when I’m suppose to. Fckn idiot that’s what I am sometimes.

Not everyone hurts because of a broken heart…!!!!

If you want to ask me about my haircut, don’t. If you want to know if I have internet now, don’t. If you want to ask me if I got my room back, very well, yes people am back in my room…yay!

I have marked Monday as the day I start running routine. Let’s see.

So how was the Monday? Like Monday, mean and tiring. But a busy day also means you just don’t know how quickly it goes away. Good and bad in one plate. It like a good cup of coffee gone cold, still has a flavor of niceness in it. But I also pretended my best to ignore the feeling of Monday or maybe I was too occupied to even feel it.

Today my friend and I, after we couldn’t get to go to the city, decided to buy ourselves something to eat. She has been feeling low eversince her boyfriend has left the town and I have my standard “I can’t you tell you why m blue, but I’m. True Story” mode on for few days. So I was driving and trying to cheer her up but its difficult when I’m busy cursing things, specially when life won’t let me have a haircut…seriously how difficult is it? Come on, just a haircut that’s all I asked for and internet and maybe a miracle…oh okay maybe a vacation and some days away from Gotham.

Voices: Ahem
Me: Waaat?
Voices: Your friend was sad and ?
Me: Oh feck…right, sorry

So when I was trying to cheer her up, I was wondering how valid it was for her. She had a reason and she could openly tell people its hurting, I on the other hand always end up pretending its the work. When people ask me why are you low, I lie something like ‘busy day’, ‘sick of same work’, ‘I could do with a vacation’, ‘too much of work pressure’ and many more silly lies. I mean truth is if you are in pain because of no valid reason, not the one you can talk about, you get worried looks without empathy. So you lie…but truth is not eveyone hurts because of a broken heart. Its true, some people just feel the gloom because there are other things, things bigger than a bad day at work, yet they lie with ‘bad day’ as an excuse because it sounds more appropriate than ‘o pardon my mood, I just happen to be like this for years now. Really don’t mind, its not that bad now’.

I think my parents are now having discussions about my marriage. Now this is the point where I find a genie or a magic box or a wizard (o what the heck…even a vampire would do…I don’t know how that would work though) and ask for a miracle. Which reminds me Breaking dawn is coming and ever since K-stew has cheated on poor Edward I don’t feel for Twilight like I felt before or maybe its the kryptic Damon Salvatore.

Glee is like 3 days away and no internet. 😦 seriously?
After Glee, the shows am eagerly waiting are Grey’s Anatomy and Revenge. Dammit! Internet Provider.

Haircut, new books, internet and a workout routine and I would be back to being Awesome again. Yes Little, you are AweSome. You are. What? You don’t think? O you are too kind…!

Song of the day- Life is beautiful by Vegas4.

Feels like i have been vervained…!!!!

Did someone vervained me or have I ingested a kryptonite? I can’t feel my awesomeness.

I don’t feel good and I have no idea why. Probably its the lack of sleep and exhausting week I have had. Its like I can’t even pretend to act cool and awesome. Today it took every muscle in my body to keep a smile when I was with my friend and her boyfriend. They both look cute together and am happy she found him. Seeing happy couples is always a nice thing, just because I can’t have it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate other people’s happiness.

Right now am so angry at something. Anger is my favorite mode of emotions lately. Maybe because I end up turning-off everything else when am tired.

I wanted to stay in my room tomorrow all day long doing nothing talking to noone, but I’m going to get up go out, watch “To Rome with love” and then get me a haircut.

Having no internet sucks.

Am going to have icecream now and watch some MegRyan or Winona movie. Goodnight World!!

Song – Sober by Pink