What do you call a superhero fighting bad guys with a white cape? Moron-Man!!!

A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.

Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.

So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.

Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.

I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.

Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.

The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.

I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.

EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…

It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.

I don’t believe in me anymore.

Dear Voices,

Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.

If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t  survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’

You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.

Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.

Little

I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…

 

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Somebody made a movie on the voices…that’s new!!!!

Some days I’m so angry at everything and everyone that its hard to remember that I’m turning 30 and not 13. Its crazy, you don’t go rebellious and angry at this stage but I guess the voices in my head are living in denial. I’m just glad I was never this angry when I was a teenager, because I’m fairy sure that would not have gone well.

There have been days when I have slept thanking myself for not listening to me about punching the door or the table or the wall or any other piece of furniture around cause I’m not a real hulk, angry yes but not hulk strong.

So, today I watched Inside Out movie and while I was sitting there watching it I realized something ‘Somebody made a movie on the voices’. I wanted to laugh out loud (I cant use LOL. I’m old I guess) but I had people around. Movie was good but the fact that it was about voices inside the head made me love it even more. I’m pretty sure the ones inside mine are feeling like movie stars today. Now I know who controlled my day today the little red guy, I  just hope tomorrow its Joy’s shift, the pretty one with pixie cut. For some reason the red and blue ones have taken my console, wonder where is the jumpy fairy with blue hair.

Pixar Post - Inside Out characters closeup

Enough of me and my anger issues, leaving you guys with a good song. I’ve recently discovered Ben Howard and he is amazing.

 

 

I love characters who make me want to be their friends…!!!

For long I had this wish to put a tick mark against one of my bucket list wish – to watch a movie alone. At first it  started as a thought of doing something fun and crazy cause who really goes for movies alone? But I never had the courage because I thought watching a movie alone is the saddest thing in the world and no matter how sad my life goes I will never do this.

Life heard me, laughed and said CHALLENGE ACCEPTED…

So, when life hits you that Ace you just have to stand there and wonder what happened to your backhand. Anyhow, I did reached that point where one fine day I just booked a ticket and went alone. I was nervous, little excited and kind of scared because I had no idea how to just go there, sit and watch a movie with no one to look at, when there is something funny or sad or scary on the big screen. But, it wasn’t bad in fact it was liberating. I know a tiny part of  me from the old-me is kind of dying right now in some corner of my head reading these words, but honestly it was the best thing that I ever did for me.

This Saturday when I sat there in an almost empty theater watching Age of Adaline on the big screen, I realized what a magical world we have in the movies. They make you forget everything that pushes you to that dark corner of the road and make you want to live forever singing it’s-a-beautiful-world. The stories and characters and emotions on that big screen in a dark hall are so majestic and beautiful that for those 2 some hours world feels good, nice, kind and even a gift.

There is something about watching a movie on a big screen and for a long time I felt sad for missing on movies because I had no social life, the people I was dependent on had other people, my issues were often making friends unfriend me leaving me all by myself.

I don’t know how sad it sounds but doings things for yourself isn’t sad its fun and liberating. You don’t have too lie to yourself or ignore yourself and give reasons for not being in mood for an outing, because you know you wont leave you for crazy mood swings, socializing issues and crazy self created walls/rules around your life. People would do that to you, you wouldn’t do that to you.

Voices: Adaline?

Me: Fish! sorry…All I wanted to say was watch Age of Adaline. Great movie.

Voices: Was that so hard?

Me: I thought a little history would be good.

Voices: A little? You would have written a book on your sorry life.

Me: I couldn’t have, for a book I would have needed a fictional name, few character introductions and.. Oh! was that sarcasm?

Voices (Rolling eyes)

So, in short I started today’s post with an aim of giving a review of Age of Adaline and how magical I felt while I sat there watching this movie, wondering what a beautiful world a movie creates for us. But, I ended up blabbering. So here I go – I watched Age of Adaline and Blake Lively was flawless, I never much liked her as Serena in Gossip Girl because her character was not the kind I would want to be friends with but I would definitely want to be friends with Adaline.

ageofadaline

Little is allergic to weddings…!!!!

So, if you know me then you also know how hard it is for me to be in a wedding. I don’t like going to weddings not just cause they are too loud and crowded (BTW- Indian weddings are fun if you are not me), but also cause you (me) have to talk to relatives you (me) avoid all the time.

I’m so allergic to weddings that I often end up with symptoms like panic attacks or anxiety or simple Hulk syndrome, where all I want to do is turn green and make that legendary hole-in-wall punch.

Relatives- How are you? How’s it going? What are you doing lately? You never visit or call? When are you getting married? You have to get married now and give us chance to come to your wedding.

Me- Im fine. How are you? Working same place ( where I’ve been working for past 8 years). Just busy. (All the while smiling, looking around for an excuse to escape and working hard to not explode with the invisible panic attacks.)

In short, I’m not a fan of weddings. Nope, don’t like dressing up, have no answers to any questions from uncles and aunts who are probably busy wondering how awesome their daughter or son is compared to me, do not like the loud Punjabi music that I need a dictionary for and, yep, I definitely do not enjoy being the prey for those gazing around, like a hawk to tear me up, with those you-are-next eyes.

Voices – Ahem!
Me- What?
Voices- Dude point
Me- Oh! Yeah. Point is I went for a wedding today, got bored as usual but I clicked a nice picture. Cool right?
Voices (rolling eyes)- images-rolling eyes

image

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Dear Agnes Obel…!!!!

There are these words in my heads, roaming around in random manners dying to come out but I don’t speak. I don’t speak or write or talk. So they keep jumping around making me feel heavy. I feel heavy because I want to talk.

Am angry at the world right now, so much that I want to continue talking and speaking till every single word inside my head is gone away and I can’t feel the heaviness. But I don’t. I don’t speak.

I think Agnes Obel is the only person whose songs are impossible to kill. I have been hooked to Aventine for days now and its like every time I listen to the song it feels like fresh daisies, even if I have it on replay mode. For someone with a reputation to kill a song, I truly believe she is a Super Hero of music world. You cant defeat her music. No you cant. If I could personally write to her it would go something like this:

Dear Agnes,

I would like to pretend we are good friends and we know each other, but I don’t think we can be friends for you are way too awesome to hang out with. You are a Super Hero. Your music is kind of saving me from some very hard things dancing inside my head. I wish I could tell you how awesome your music, the piano and the whole package with violin and the lyrics is. I would be lying if I said I was always a big fan, I wasn’t. I grew up breathing on Britney and Avril, I still bow to them. But then life happened, grown up life and I found you. Confession I found you from an episode of Revenge and since then I haven’t stopped stuffing my phone with every single song of yours. Among the Gaga, Savage Garden, Evanescence and Macklemore playlist, your songs stand like fresh daisies. Like I said, even on a replay mode they don’t die.

I know this might be the worst fan letter ever, but let me tell you I’m not a big crazy fan I’m just someone who cant imagine not listening to your songs when things go bad. They kind of tell me to close my eyes, go to my happy place and keep it together cause that’s what super heroes do. They fight. Sorry, I forgot to mention this before I kind of believe I’m a Super Hero too and that’s why I have so much respect for you. We are from same deal, we are heroes. Only you are a hero with a power to save people, I on other hand have no power but a lot of fight to go through.

Thanking you for your music from the bottom of  my super messed up heart that breathes on a lot of things and your songs are one of them.

P.S Aventine is awesome but dude Riverside is wow.

Love,

Little

I don’t think I should ever be allowed to write a fan letter to anyone, cause for someone whose job is to write I suck at writing a simple Thankyou-For-Your-Music-Im-A-Fan letter.

I better go now, for its way too late and I have a busy busy day tomorrow. I can hear voices in my head laughing at what I had promised myself about sleeping early. God! I’m going to be in trouble tomorrow. So much for the plan and check list.

Goodnight World!

Voices in my head have gone AWOL…!!!!

World is a crazy place because we don’t want to love, we want to fight, wage war and drop bombs on each other, at the same time we don’t even want to accept the existence of those who just want to love and live.

Why I’m writing this? Simple, I want the world to know Love isn’t dead, it’s alive and living in each one of us only someone of us can embrace it and wear it on our sleeves.

Few days back I saw a movie “The Way” and today i saw “Into the Wild”, both are different stories but they both have one thing in common, travelling. While one guy travels because he wants to experience world beyond the money, politics, family secrets and lies and complicity of human relationships, the other travels because life has brought him to where he has nothing left to do but follow the legacy of his own son.

I want to travel because i can’t feel myself, i can’t feel the voices in my head, i can’t feel my own heartbeat.

P.S I ended up putting the wrong song yesterday i guess i was too busy listening Shania Twain on YouTube i didn’t notice what i uploaded. This is the song i wanted to put, the song i would like to believe is being sung for me…because i need it.

Bore…..Zzzzz….ed!!!!!!

I think I know why I get obsessed with some shows. Some stories stay with you because they end up being the reflection of your own life. That’s why.

So today was a very boring and highly dull day at Gotham, which was also the highlight of my day. How? Well, when you end up staring at the screen all bored of the monotonous and stagnant 9 hours of life, you end up taking to yourself:

“This is it. I’m no longer going to waste my life. I have to get up and get out of my comfort zone. I will write and get my book published and never come back to Gotham or I will walk out of Gotham and find another job where life is little creative. This is it. From today I will work my way towards my dreams.”

And then you hear applause followed by laughter, uncontrollable ROFL kind of laughter, from the voices inside your head and you kind of smile because you knew how funny every word of your silent conversation was. I mean even you know you won’t and can’t ever break the shackles you have around you. Because you are, you.

In simple words, I had a boring, dull and super lame day though it wasn’t sad just booooorinng. Worst part is to get up in cold morning to drive to a place where I have to spend next 9 hours listening to each and every song in my mp3 player, drinking coffee and staring at my watch wondering how, once, Gotham was my safe haven.

I don’t know if its possible for a person to die of boredom, but my brain cells are surely dying slowly.

Leaving you with a song from “The killing”. Its a dark show but something about it will always stay with me.

 

 

Little is awesome but Little cant, just cant, sleep on time…

Well guess what…i have the title for my story for NaNoWrimo even though I’m still not sure if i can work but hey i have a story, a name and a song. Can do lot with those three things.

Once a class mate from college said that she noticed something in my stories, she said that every story i have written has someone dying in it. True. I don’t know why i never noticed that before but maybe it’s because i write suspense and tragedy together. Most of my stories are drama with darkness in them. A friend of mine was, few days ago, discussing a show with me and said that she finds that little too dark and i realised isn’t that what i write.

Maybe i could have been a happy writer if life would have been different but then i realise if life was sunshine i wouldn’t have been a writer at all. I found writing when i realised im different from everyone.

Today im so tightly wrapped around my darkness, my truth and the pain that it is hard to imagine a life without it. I mean a Sunny Shiny Me? How weird would that be?

I wish i could remember my first story but i don’t. I do remember that i started writing in 9th grade, poems, stories and my daily diaries. Because i was an angry and lone teenager back then who always used to be  fight at home and feel that her family doesn’t care. Not true. My anger is still alive but now i know why im angry and at whom. Im not angry at my parents or my brother or my friends, im angry at the world in general for it is biased and racist and judgmental and lives on rules carved on stones.

My most favourite poem, as written by me, is titled Castle and i think i still have it somewhere. Also What’s my Diagnosis? Is one of my favourite poems. I like Jane Doe but i think my favourite story would be Dominique or Crossroads, if and ever i got to finish them.

I have an idea; i am going to create a different page now with my poems. I don’t write much poems but i do have few that i am proud about.

Voices: Hey Writer Girl

Me: What?

Voices: We think you made your point

Me: And what would that be?

Voices: You love writing. And you are awesome. Seriously?

Voices: Are you going to make a song on it next? A love song for you by you…maybe?

Me: Rude

Voices: Boring and Creepy and Weird…really very weird…

Me: What do you want?

Voices: Didn’t you just book online movie tickets for tomorrow evening?

Me: So?

Voices: Hmm, nothing just…

Me: what?

Voices: Its 2:15 am, you will sleep by 2:30, get up late, go late and that would mean…

Me: Feck…that would mean i won’t be able to leave on time for my movie.

Voices: Whoa! You do have a brain. You should use it more often.

Me: I should get a lobotomy

Voices: Because?

Me: You guys live in there

Voices: Whatever…2:18 am…Tick Tock Tick…

Me: AAAaahhh….aaah smiley

 

 

Once upon a time in Gotham…!!!!

Some days I wake up so bitter that all I want is my headphones and my cup of coffee, with no one coming over to my cubicle to talk to me but it’s not how life goes.

I don’t think I can take part in NaNoWriMo this year, because I might have a busy month with the festival season and the fact that we might have few relatives coming over. Plus, I don’t have a story. I have but not like last year. Maybe if I can spend some time on the different concepts on my mind, but then I don’t know.

Today a funny thing happened; I was on a Skype call with a Polish translator with my Project Manger. He was the one on call and I was sitting next to him because it was a task I was overseeing. So while he was on the phone, I sat there next to him for whole 2 hours just thinking and looking around and day dreaming.

Me: If I could meet a celebrity

Myself: Meg Ryan of course

Me: That would be so awesome

Myself: So Frekin Awesome

Myself: Who else?

Me: Neil Patrick

Myself: Patrick Dempsey

Me: Stana Katic

Myself: Ian somerhalder

Me: Ian, anytime, Ian

Me: Winona Ryder maybe

Myself: That would be cool too

Me: So cool

Myself: Pretty Cool

Me: I know right?

Myself: Yeah

Voices: Hey crazy head look around

Me & Myself: Seriously?

Voices: What?

Me & Myself: Buzz Kill

Truth is I was so bored and sleepy that I was wondering how much fun it would be if I could just meet one of the many people I admire. I have a list of people I would like to meet, most of them are singers and few of them are movie stars and a handful of them come of TV shows. What’s wrong in making a list? Nothing. Plus this comes way too low in the list of crazy things done by me.

nph

I’m just eagerly waiting for Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Castle to come back now that Pretty Little Liars is on summer break.

I will go and try to finish my book; you guys enjoy a song from another awesome person I would love to meet.

I have a plan for tomorrow…!!!!

Voices: Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Me: In my room, why what’s wrong?

Voices: (Rolling Eyes) Everything

A conversation I had with myself today and I realised I see nothing for me; I’m just waiting and watching for what’s coming. I might be angry with the world for not being the place for me; I’m highly disappointed at myself for fiddling with a White Flag. Yes, that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m sitting with a White Flag on my lap and waiting for my crutches of hopes to break and fall. I may be doomed and I may be struggling with my thoughts about hopes and miracles and silver lining, but I’m not letting my despair take me down so fast.

I don’t know what kind of day it would be tomorrow, but I do know one thing and I know it very well. I’m sending Jane Doe to a publishing house, something I have been ignoring for long now. Rejection is the worst thing that could happen and not sending is REJECTION in itself.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in mind for me, but I have a plan for tomorrow.

Voices: Smiling

Me: Why are you smiling?

Voices: We can be inspiring

Me: really? Where do you go when I sit with the stories? Haan?

Voices: Silence

Me: Thought so…