the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille