Well, atleast, im not Nadal, hope im not Federer either…!!!!

Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.

Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.

So things that have happened, good ones:

I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.

So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.

Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.

Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.

Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.

Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.

Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.

I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.

Somedays stay with us forever…!!!!

Sometimes I think about the day Snowy came to our lives, the day i got my first pocket money, the day I fell in love, the day I met my best friend, the day I wrote my first poem, the day I wrote first story, the day I acted in a play, the day I was made house captain in school, the day I won my first house cup as a captain, the day I had my first crush, the day I became 17, the day I lost love, the day I walked through my college gate, the day I had my first glass of alcohol, the day I thought college was the best thing about life, the day I bid goodbye to friends for some hundredth time, the day I got my first scooter, the day I was praised by a teacher for my debate, the day I got my first cheque, the day I met my superhero, the day I thought I was going to die, the day I wanted do die, the day I spoke for the first time, the day I found out i have people who love me despite knowing, the day I wanted to live again, the day I bought my first phone, the day I bought my car, the day I completed my one year at work, the day my parents indirectly told me they were proud of me, the day I saw life take a 360, the day I had my first and thousandth panic attack, the day i searched for the depression online, the day I started writing diaries, the day I started blogging, the day I started lying and hiding from friends I once thought were my life, the day i saw my mother cry, the day I came back from work smiling and singing I love my work, the day I never wanted anything do change, the day I thought nothing would change now, the day I met music, the day i wrote Dominique’s first page, the day I went to Srinagar, the day I had my worst haircut, the day I won my first and second chess tournament, the day I lost against, the day I lost, the day I won against my biggest opponent, the day i won against my boss, the day I got my first surprise birthday party, the day I cried and I didnt know how to stop myself, the day I again wanted to die, the day i realised im a superhero, the day I was scared I would lose my mind, the day I stood awake all night worried about Snowy, the day he had his operation and I saw him on the strecher and the day he died…

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In my world, i nailed NaNoWrimo…!!!!

I haven’t had a good night sleep for a while now.

Worked on over 25,000 words in two days.

lost 4 words somewhere.

Couldn’t finish NaNo on time.

Clock struck 12 with me at 46,000 words.

But im so freaking happy.

I wrote 500000 words…i would like to count the lost data too.

So i may not have 50,oooo words to upload before 12, but i had actually worked on 50k. Lost one counted in my land. Hi-Five to me…!!!!

Will be back tomorrow, right now im happy, sleep deprived and on verge of falling asleep on my laptop.