Read some, Wrote some, Watched some… #FictionMeAndWeekend

I’m too slow with my story, as in pace wise.  I did do some writing this weekend but i could have done better. Wasted a lot of time here and there, mostly because i have this unwanted and unwelcome and highly annoying friend  – my mood swings.

Anyhow, i think I’m going to finally finish a story. I don’t know if i would keep it or share it, i don’t know if its good or a crappy one but i do know that i need to do this. Write and wrap a story. I know I’m slow but I’m going to wrap it up before I start with my NaNoWrimo.

Today, when i was walking and running around in the park i had this thought. There were bunch of kids playing football who later on started playing with firecrackers as the season of Diwali is here. As, i ran around in circles looking at those boys i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother would i want to be. Yes, i know i don’t want to be a mother but if i ever did go through that bridge i would want my kid to grow up with these –

– Racism is bad

– Everyone is a person, there is no such thing as black, gay, loser, short, fat, brown

– Right to equality and freedom is more than a quote from a book

– Pets are family and we dont throw stones at family

– Never whistle at or disrespect any girl, not matter how she dresses up

– Empathy matters

– Being a leader is cool, but being a bully is not

– Earth is already polluted

– Super heroes are  for real. They are people who go out of their way to help others or make someone feel special

I don’t know why i was thinking about it but i feel we don’t teach our kids, specially boys, things out of the text books. Parents do the best they can, but there are some who believe its okay for their kids to be kids and learn from their mistakes. Which is good but when a kid bullies another kid and hurts him/her, that’s not the kind of mistake we want our kid to learn from. In fact that’s a mistake we should not let out kid make at all.

Mistakes that we should let our kids learn from should be ones like breaking a guitar and realizing he or she is better at sports not music, forgetting to bring important books to school and realizing it is important to get up early and spend some time with the school bag, breaking a window with a ball and realizing some games should be played outside in the lawn.

Its crazy, but i wish we would teach more than they learn from Maths, Social Science, Chemistry, Bio and History classes. I saw those kids with firecrackers and i wish i could tell them to not do that, because dogs, cats and birds get scared to death when something so loud happens.

May be I’m weird, just weird. I don’t even know how to talk to a baby when i m sitting in front of one and here I’m talking about things we should teach our kids.

So, i thought things like that and then shook my head wondering what on earth I’m thinking, I mean I should be the last person to be allowed to take care of a kid.

Anyhow, i think i should go now. Weekend is over and tomorrow is Gotham day.

ME wasn’t Me always…

Tonight (again no reading or writing) i explore my windows phone. I have a windows phone and i still don’t know much about it. So today i download few apps and have been going through the phone like it’s someone else’s phone. Good news, now windows 8 people can use Instagram. Yay.

Imagine i create a Twitter account; i follow all my favourite TV and movie and non movie-TV people. And one fine day i see a picture upload from Ian Somerhalder and i click on the link and it says i can’t access because i don’t have Instagram…O COME ON. I mean Windows had no Instagram. I was like WHHAAA?

I had a good day for first half but after lunch i was like sleeping with my eyes open. Why won’t i sleep on time?

Tomorrow i have been invited to a b’day party of a colleague and I’m totally bailing on it with the power and ability to lie. I don’t want to spend 3-4 hours of my life with bunch of girls who would get all wasted, laugh, dance and make me wonder why can’t i be like them? Why I’m so uptight and why I’m so me? Not that I do not like ME. I love ME. I do, but sometimes my blues are so heavy that a part of me that wants to give up envies everyone around even the ones i don’t want to be like, no matter what.

I have to go. Why cant i just sleep on time, get up early for workout and drive to work on time and come back on time? Because that would be so not ME…

Goodnight World!

We are ready to send humans to Mars soon, but we dont have a Hug-Machine…sad!!!

I think these are just tears of exhaustion. Imagine if life was simple as going to fridge and opening it to get a hug or calling the home delivery store for a hug or just snapping a finger to get hugged. Nah! Life isnt that simple. Its hard, you dont get a hug just because you want one. Not if you live a life of someone who likes to or prefers to be aloof and alone.

I just finished my second James Patterson novel and he is good. Really good. Both the books were so hard to keep down. This second one 9th Judgement was kind of crazy with so much thrilling suspense. I plan to read all of his Bennet and Lindsay series. My bloody internet has died and I have decided to do something about it once we are back from the family wedding. So no internet, no tv shows which means all I have got are the books. Bring it on.

I need another cup of coffee but I think I should just sleep early. The week has been nothing but a crappy set of busy days which in a way am greatful about. I hate slow days, makes me think and go blue. But busy days are breaking me physically.
Everyday im so exhausted that I have no energy for workout. There goes my resolution to exercise daily.

Imagine im actually looking forward to a family wedding that could be hard on me. Why? Five days off from work. Its like there is no win win. Work or a vacation that consists of wedding, relatives and people looking at you with those “you are next” looks. Lovely.

With so much science we still dont have a hug machine? Shame. If only I was smart enough to make one. I had a bear once, where did he go?

Got to go for im afraid if I didnt go sleep, I will make me one of those instant coffee with sachet and hot water.

Goodnight world!

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Little wants to go back to being little…!!!!

Today I started with a new book and I have decided to read a little, everyday. Too much of TV shows are keeping me away from reading and writing. Fact is I indulge in marathon fictional shows to stay busy and away from my inner turbulence. But now its time for me to give time to other things too.

Thankyou Internet God for my internet service are down just when I needed a push towards reading.

I also need to, now, get back to my daily workout. Cause I cant let myself be like this. Unfortunately for people like me who cant cry out loud, both the patient and shrink live in same body. Self destruction and self help go hand in hand in my case.

I have few pictures on my wardrobe. Pictures of family, friends, snowy and few from my childhood. In one picture I see a small very small girl wearing her father’s army cap and smiling while giving a salute to whoever was taking the picture. Everytime I look at that picture of mine, I wonder if I was happy back then. Truly happy. If I ever knew how life was going to turn out. I look happy and safe from future.

I want to go back to being her, the little girl in that photograph. But fact is I cant go back being a little girl anymore, the girl who knew nothing about world and its strange ways.

So I just try to be a self proclaimed super hero who has secrets, who has a battle and who is loved by everyone because noone knows that the face behind the mask is another average person made of flesh and hone.

Weird I wasnt suppose to write an emotional blog just an update on my plans about focusing on reading.

Goodnight world!

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

When a Superhero is looking for a White Flag…!!!!

I am not writing or reading…dont know why. Wednesday night I had a serious chat with my mother and I still cant believe what I told her. Its crazy but truth is honesty can never fight denial.
Its just no one will ever get it, no one will ever accept it. It hurts when people I love try to fix me, im not broken im not. I just have something to say, listen. Either hate me or accept me but dont tell me I need to grow up.

Tomorrow I plan to wake up early. Need to start workout.

I cant fight things and a part of me has accepted it which is why I find it hard to do things I love. My stories, my books.

Im in a phase where Dawn and Hope are both four letter words to me.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

A whole day without a song, no doubt am feeling dizzy…!!!!!

I once went up to a family, having lunch in a restaurant, and asked them if the car parked outside with a dog in it is theirs, when they said yes i asked them to roll down the windows a little bit so poor dog can breath. Yes i did that. It was long time ago and though i was pretty sure they might go all crazy about minding my own business, i still went straight to them.

I once scolded a kid who throwing stones on a dog, even though his grandfather was nearby and i knew he would yell and run to him which he did.

I don’t know why am telling all this, but truth is i don’t like people who are mean to dogs.

Okay so it was a very very very tiring and exhausting day, i hardly got time for thinking and worst i didn’t listen to even a single song till 745 in evening. From 10 to 745 i was working and working. Almost died by the time i got out of Gotham. First thing that i did was get into my car and play Demi Lovato on loud volume, it hit me like a drug and i felt alive. I said no to temptation of junk food and coffee and came home to do a 15 minutes of rope skipping.

Every single bone in my body is begging to sleep and maybe i will. A Brazilian intern had come for a day and i worked with her all day long, only break i took was a 30 minutes of KFC lunch trip.

Man! i feel weird right now. Exhausted and drained out.

Will be back tomorrow.

Goodnight world!

P.S Dont tell anyone a busy day doesn’t scares me its the slow boring day, when i have all the time in the world to indulge in self pity.

 

 

Where is my mind?

Two days i did nothing but sleep. I have been acting like a zombie, awake but sleepy all the time. I would sit and fall asleep, get up shake my head and walk around a little try to distract myself and moments later would find me asleep again. Guess i have been too sleep deprived.

Though im sad about Monday i dont mind much because its a 4 days week with a holiday coming on Wednesday. Man! i love national holidays.

My mind is dead, i mean the thinking cells. Yesterday im sulking, im blue and im crying and today i found myself dancing in my kitchen while making coffee. What’s the deal with me? How crazy im on a scale of 1 to 10?

I cant read the Fountainhead because i dont like the book’s print; the print edition is sort of sad and difficult to read for me. My copy is sad. So now i m reading Silent House and im hoping to finish it before my online order of Sarah’s Keys arrives.

Last night’s Greys Anatomy and Glee episodes were pretty nice. I love them both but then its something you already know.

Its a crazy day because i dont know what’s my mental status. Am i happy? Am i sad? Am i confused? Am i numb? All i know i’m kind of lost somewhere. If only i had power to freeze time, if only i could fix my heart, if only i could become somebody else, if only i could end the parallel world inside me.

Sometimes i sit debating whether to read or watch a movie or episode or go out or workout and an hour later i find myself sitting just where i was wondering what happened? why didn’t i decide what to do? why i didn’t do anything at all? why and how i ended up wasting an hour or two without knowing it? Where am i so lost? Where is my mind?

I better go now, will brush my teeth and read 2-3 pages maybe or just fall asleep again like i have been doing since yesterday.

 

 

Take a sad song & make it better…!!!!

I have spent a major part of my life missing people, friends I made and said goodbyes to and I wonder if I was missed too. I wonder if I have touched lives of these friends of mine as much as I have been touched by theirs.  I would like to think I have been missed too.

Today I almost made my mind about talking to my mom but then I was a mess in morning and by afternoon I realized what a crazy thought it was. Though I did tell my mom about the medical problems I’m experiencing recently, because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m blue or because it’s the cervical. Lately I go though small momentary episodes of suffocation shortness of breath, headache that stays all day and then of course the cervical neck ache. Good thing I have started doing stretching exercises and running; also my mother does the oil massage on my neck. It helps.

Truth is if you are the only person who knows what you are going through and how dark it’s inside; the only person who can help you is you. So I started with the exercise, I stayed away from my headphones all day today and I have said yes to my friend for weekend movie plan instead of locking myself in my room which I want to do.

Only problem is I don’t know why do I have to put so much effort to keep me standing, why can’t I be the person I pretend to be…happy and awesome. You ask people in my office and not a single one of them would agree to my having a blue side. I’m that good when it’s comes to keeping appearances.

So, my HR made a bet with me saying I can’t come to office on time even for a week and I did. She had to buy me coffee. Now my friend says I can’t keep this for long and the bet is that I will crack before completing a month. I love bets and challenges. I hate to lose so I guess for next one month I’m going to have to reach office before 945 everyday. Man! It’s going to be difficult considering the fact that I sleep super duper late.

Today I’m listening to Hindi songs for a change which feels good. I rarely listen to Hindi songs except the few numbers I have on my phone but today I found this song that I can’t stop listening to. The guy in the movie is an Indian doppelganger of McDreamy from Grey’s.

Have to go now, im sleepy but I have to stay awake because my brother is late today and I have to open door for him. Friday is here and i dont know why i hate this day now, every friday my mind counts the number of days it has been since i lost Snowy.

Goodnight World!

P.S i love this Beatles song so much and i didnt even knew i had it in my phone all this time.

My head is nothing, but a fine example of a scrambled egg…!!!!

Today is Rose day I think, I mean I have been told so by two guys who wished me though messengers of course. I know normally a girl would gloat but I’m not sure I am on cloud 9 for being wished Rose day by two guys. No no, I did like it. It made me smile knowing that maybe someone has a crush on me, its human to feel good knowing someone likes you but for me it stops right there.

Dear Colleagues,

Thank you for wishing me. Made me smile but sorry I’m not into you or anyone.

Little

Worst letter ever, I’m glad they won’t get to read this. See problem is I’m all romantic, all mushy mushy and I love so many things I won’t even acknowledge I do, in front of my friends, but bottom line is I’m not available.

I was watching Gossip Girl and what Blair and Chuck had made me wonder how even twisted people can find true love. I know its fiction but hey it’s not that unreal too, even crazy people have love in their life in real world.

I have had enough coffee and donut for today so I think I should shut down the voices begging for more. My entire workout is waste because I can’t let go of the junk food.

Good thing its Friday and that means just 9 more hours to survive before I can have two days of peace. Every morning when I’m sitting in front of my computer with tired, exhausted and sleepy eyes I wonder when the day would get over and when I would get to work on Jane Doe, but every evening I walk home with a dead brain and zero level of energy. The circle goes on.

I wish I could just throw away my headphones and laptop and just spend all my time reading but I can’t let go of music. It’s the new coffee for me. While they say denial isn’t good I say it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

Goodnight world!

.

Being sunshine is exhausting…!!!!

Being happy and all sunshine all day is exhausting specially when its me. Now im all tired and i wonder what got into me, i can still feel a sense of adrenaline inside. What happened to you Little, you were so sparkling today?

Weather wont let me play in morning but its okay because i did some exercise in evening.

Have to shut down my hyper mind right now. Goodnight world!