You know what I love…sound of rain. Yes, I love sound of rain, the smell of it in the air and the feel of it as it falls all over the place.
I have been trying to stay away from blogging for few days for simple reason, because my mind is not working. Nothing is working. I can’t read, can’t write or do anything. I’m lost. I’m in monsoon phase, not the real one but the phase where im a cry-baby; all i do is burst into tears anytime of the day, any place. Awkward, when it happens at Gotham because man I have people around and too many trips to washroom would only mean I have had the worst breakfast. I m not trying to be funny, I can’t be funny though I feel lot better right now. Probably it’s the rain outside.
Today, I gave the silliest quote to a friend “Hope is a soap my friend and I am running out of it”. And my friend said I can buy you another one and I ended up laughing.
I am dying for a day off like a day when I can lock myself in my room, stay dirty, not brush, eat instant noodles, drink coffee and attach my phone with the speakers in my room at loud volume. Yeah! I want that.
I’m out of energy and it takes everything to get up and drive to work. I’m mad at a friend for she has moved to another country.
I found another friend this week, she has been a great help. Everyone say hello to Sara Bareilles:
I have to go now because if I didn’t sleep on time today, I don’t think I would be able to survive my Friday. Super sleep deprived, running out of positivity, blue and cry baby – pretty much what I’m lately. I got to go, you guys enjoy the song.
I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.
I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me. Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.
This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.
I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.
There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.
So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.
Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.
P.S leaving you with pictures of the day
Everyday while staring at my computer trying to make sense of things, i promise myself i would sleep early tonight. I swear no more episodes and only bed time reading. I promise i wont sit in front of Youtube and do nothing but click Play. I promise i would write a page or two of Jane Doe and review. I promise i would wake up and play or workout.
Every night as i sit gloomy and tired in my bed staring at my laptop wondering why i feel what i feel, i play episodes after episodes to drown myself into another life. I dive into world of Youtube to find songs and videos to keep my mind away. I look at the blank word document wondering what on earth could i write or review when i cant feel the story. I beg myself to not wake up early for i don’t care if i get fat or whatever.
And so it continues from day to night, dusk to dawn….!!!!