Unhappiness doesn’t exist…

Our first interaction to the world is our family, also our last set of interaction at the end of a day is family. Usually.

I have this problem, I can’t tell people I’m hurting. Specially not to my family. Friends maybe, sometimes but not always.

As a millennial from a brown family, expressing your feelings is tougher than getting those chiseled abs after getting a mom or dad bod. Trust me.

Recently I had an argument at home and I realised how badly I wished I was good at expressing, I wished how I wasn’t someone who ends up crying instead of presenting her facts in the argument, how I wished I was selfish enough to scream.

I wish I could stop thinking why to add more to other people’s plate, they don’t need to worry about me. I wish I would stop tearing up in the darkness when everyone is asleep because what can they do about it anyway.

I’m not a good person, possibly a major villain in so many people’s life specially my own family members. But, I wish I could just tell people I hurt that I’m not okay. I’ve not been okay for a long time now.

The biggest struggle isn’t the sadness of any kind but the fact that for others it’s not real.

How do you ask for help if the world says, it’s all in your head and that there is no such thing as unhappiness.

What’s my prognosis?

Sometimes I think about the person I was in different phases of my life. As a teenager I was lost but happy, I was sad but not depressed.

I think depression started sinking in when I started figuring out who I was and how I will always be, no matter what, be the odd one.

I remember as a 15-16 years old, I believed I was going to be the best wife. I told myself, I would never fight and never be angry and Ill always have a wonderful life with someone.

Why was it important? I don’t know. Then I met this version of me I didn’t know existed.

Here’s tue thing about self awareness, its takes you through so many turns that some days you would hate yourself and on others you would be happy to be different and yourself.

It truly took me a decade to accept my rainbow.

I became this person who would now go to movies alone, sit in a cafe with a book, read all day and write novels one after another.

I think this phase of sadness was better because I was becoming my own best friend.

One day I found myself face to face with an old friend. Love. I think it is a friend we all meet, even when it doesn’t have time for us.

And suddenly I became darker and darker all the while being overfilled with joy. Why?

You know how drugs or alcohol makes you happy but corrode you at the same-time, thats what wrong or half love does too.

The taste of happiness for a brief second will make you miserable because when that friend departs, you cannot go back to being your own best friend. You crave it back. You cry for one more day of the joyride.

This phase is where you either drown or you transform. I’m not sure what’s my prognosis.

My brother saved me and I think he doesn’t even know that…

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

My brother chose to ease my battle with the family and relatives by getting married before me. He is the younger sibling and he had time, it was my turn.

But I can’t. This I cant is the story of my life.

The pressure of getting married, the emotional battle with the family and anxiety of being cornered was drowning me.

He saw it. I don’t know how and when he saw it and decided to save me. That’s what he did, even if he doesn’t know this.

He saved me.

His decision to get married took away all the attention from me, family and relatives were happy and celebrating. Everyone for some magical reason excepted that I’m not going to get married.

One wedding in the family was enough to make everyone happy enough to leave me alone.

My brother, knowingly or unknowingly, saved me from drowning to the depth of despair.

I’m running out of tomorrows…

Almost every motivational video says don’t wait for the motivation, just do it.

So I decide tomorrow would be the day I’ll do one thing to make a difference. One thing to fix my mental and physical health. I listen to all the motivational videos, most pumping songs and do the best pep talk that there is.

And then tomorrow comes, I snooze and snooze only to wake up wondering why. Next 5-6 hours are spent in regret and self bashing, then 3-4hours are spent picking myself and going back to the videos, the songs and the pep talk.

Truth is you don’t need the videos, the songs, the pep talk or even a reason. We all change or grow or improve or shine for another person. Sometimes that person is family, a lover, a friend and sometimes it’s ourselves. Depending on who matters. Who needs a better version of ourselves.

I don’t have anyone who would say “Please rise back for me” and I can’t find myself in a state to be that person for me.

So the snooze, the guilt, the self destruction and the lack of will.

But I guess one day there will be no tomorrow to snooze or say “tomorrow for sure”.

Can I ask you something?

Can I ask you something? The most difficult question that there is because we always know the answer to the next question, the question we really really really want to ask.

Do you love me?

Do you still love me?

Am I bothering you?

Do you think I’m beautiful?

Am I an interesting person?

Are you tired of me?

Are you happy with me?

Do you want me to stop messaging you?

Why don’t you pick calls?

Can you love me please?

Will you ever forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

Are you miserable with me?

Are you sick of me?

Have I done something wrong?

Can I kiss you?

Will you hug me?

Can you please stay?

Do you miss me?

Do you ever think about us?

Can we go back to being okay?

Are we okay?

Will you be mine?

Can I hold you?

Do you regret us?

Did you ever loved me?

Can you please fall in love with me too?

The problem is we always know the answers to these questions yet we crave the pain. The masochistic creatures that we are, we want the stab of disappointment and rejection over and over again.

So we struggle asking “Can I ask you something?” because what if the other person says “Yes.”

No one’s coming…!

It has been a while since I rambled here, and I have no idea why I stopped. Oh wait! I know why. I found joy and life. I found people, I got busy, I was living well with my sadness and I was on a vacation of a different kind, a vacation from my emptiness.

Does that mean it’s over, my vacation?

I don’t really know. I do know that I need an intervention and a saving from my own self, and they say, no one’s coming. So, here I’m trying to mother myself.

It took me minutes to write a book and years to publish it, I thought that would make me happy. But it doesn’t feel like that. Strangely, I do not feel any different.

I think I have stopped believing and loving myself. I used to fangirl myself.

So, this morning I found myself up early and going for that walk I had been promising myself for months now. If no one is coming then its just me and I have to hurry cause I’m drowning. Meredith under water from Grey’s Anatomy, except she was saved and had people. I don’t. I have people, so many people but do they know I’m under the seas of nothingness and numbness? No. You cant save a ship if the ship wont send the SOS.

Let’s try to be my repairwoman for now and see if I can bandage the cracks. 30 days of treatment, and today is day one. I have decided to give next 30 days to saving myself, of course that’s impossible I’m probably meant to be doomed with the way the world is designed but at least I can fix myself enough to be bitter and blue for a longer period of time on this planet.

Soon, I will talk about my book.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes….

Quarantine love…!!

I want to write you a letter and ask you what is the color of sky above you, is it crimson blue or can you see streaks of dark clouds ready to move in with cavalry of thundering ones. The letter would ask you if the birds are happy there and chirp like they should and request you to find time to walk out to wave at the Moon, stuck in the solitary confinement of gaseous void. Amid the textual inquery of the sky and land, I would let you know what a dreary evenings I endure with all the other such lengthily written but unsent letters lying next to me.

How do I tell them, what a tragic world it is where words and letters like emotions are bound to obey the draconian law of truth. But like each written heartfelt conversation, this one would too end with still here, still yours.

Platonic relationship with Netflix

Just finished watching Episode One of Season One of The Politician and in spite of the darkness all over it, it made me feel better and smile, something I needed after the kind of day I have had today. So, what does it says about me? Dark comedies are kind of scandalizing to admit to being a fan of, isn’t it?

My phone’s battery died and I couldn’t go running without music, I couldn’t find time to waste on Instagram pretending to be cool and I definitely didn’t know who to call or how to call to share words, any words. In the end, Netflix came to the rescue.

You know, how we all move on in life thinking ‘we shall cross that bridge when it comes’ and today I saw the bridge waving at me from afar; I would be lying if I said I was surprised because behind every day’s pep talk lies the subtle subtitle ‘nothing is forever’, yet the mere view of what lies or might lie ahead brought an earthquake of 5.5 on Richter Scale leaving me disorientated and stumbling.

Falling in the arms of the comfy fictional show, I saw people broken, aching, dark, fractured, hopeless, forlorn and yet on top of their pretend-game and I found myself feeling okay and at ease. Pity, isn’t it? To find balm in the fabric of fiction because nothing or no one in the real-world has the power to offer the same.

Anyhow, here’s a fun fact I’ll be alright tomorrow giving myself the ‘You’re awesome, you’re beautiful and Billie Ellish would so want to be you.’ pep-talk.

Goodnight world and stay safe.

What is love?

Ask me again what love is and I’ll probably lie about it, with a poetry revolving around the moon and the stars, not wanting to scare you with the truth. Love, my darlin, is nothing but the ache that makes your heart hurt and beat at the same damn time…

Brandi Carlile’s Grammy performance is everything!!

It was about time! World say hello to the most amazing band ever:

Brandi Carlile and the twins!

And seeing them win and perform only makes my heart happy, peachy and all colors of cherry.

Here’s the Grammy 2019 performance of The Joke by Brandi Carlile and the twins. It’s magically beautiful.