Grief isn’t hard its the guilt and anger…!!!!

I knew i was going to watch a Cory Monteith tribute special Glee episode and it was going to be sad but i had no idea it was actually going to make me cry. Not that i dont cry, on the contrary i cry alot just hate to show. But i mean there was this scene where Lea Michele’s character sang a song for him and next thing i know i had tears falling all over my laptop.

The grief episode just made me think of what i lost. Snowy. Maybe he was just a dog for many but for me he was family and you don’t stop  missing family. Do you? I try less to think of him in a sad and serious ways cause then i start thinking of his last day, that picture in front of me breaks every piece of me. A part of me dies every time i realize he is not here and never coming back. When he died, for days and weeks i had dreams where he was back and i was hugging him. Of course i still dream of him sometimes, but less.

What makes me sad is that i never got to talk about him like you do when you loss someone. A part of me wants people to know how much it kills me but then i realize its my loss and i dont think anyone will ever understand.

Crazy thing about grief is that it makes you feel guilty that one day you will forget to grieve or worst you will stop grieving at all.

That’s what i’m scared about…I hope i never stop because i dont want him to think he wasn’t loved.

Got to go now. Have one more episode left before i cry myself to sleep. Did i tell you tomorrow we have office cricket match and im the captain of my team? Why cant i have one weekend where all i have to do is not leave my room? I mean a boring lay-low sleepy dull weekend is all i need…seriously, how hard is that?

Goodnight world…!!!!

P.S I recommend Gravity…Nice movie…Sandra Bullock rocks.

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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Today i have no title…!!!!

I as I sit here with my laptop I don’t know what to write, partly because I’m sad and partly because the lack of sleep has killed my thinking cells. Yes, I will sleep early tonight. Now i dont get up early to take anyone for a walk, no one jumps all over me pulling my quilt asking me to get out of my bed. How does one get over things? I don’t know.

My friends wanted to make a plan today or tomorrow but I don’t feel like going anywhere. All I want to do is be with me because I don’t have to pretend its okay with me.

Anyhow, since its hot now I guess I can go back to my running. Plus I need diversions and the whole 9 hours sitting is killing my neck. At the end of the day I’m not only emotionally lost physically my neck makes me cry.

In last two days I did another hardest thing of my life, I said another goodbye and it’s like the things inside me are so messed up I can’t tell. The pain, guilt, sadness and helplessness are eating me. My friends gifted me this most amazing little sweet little puppy who stayed with me two nights, keeping me up all the time, running here and there. I named him Frappe and man he loved me but today morning we had to give him away because for various various various reasons my mom won’t let me keep him. I miss Snowy, I miss Frappe and my heart is just broken so badly that I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

I can’t forget the last moment of Snowy, his face when he left me and I can’t forget Frappe’s tiny eyes looking at me when he needed me to pick him up. Man! I’m a wreck and worst I don’t think I can explain it to anyone.

Like I said I will go early tonight, plus I know I will spend an hour crying before I can actually sleep.