a screwed up blood pumping organ…

You know you’re either falling in love or having a major effin panic attack, when your heart skips a thousand beats in just one second leaving you gasping for air…

Somedays stay with us forever…!!!!

Sometimes I think about the day Snowy came to our lives, the day i got my first pocket money, the day I fell in love, the day I met my best friend, the day I wrote my first poem, the day I wrote first story, the day I acted in a play, the day I was made house captain in school, the day I won my first house cup as a captain, the day I had my first crush, the day I became 17, the day I lost love, the day I walked through my college gate, the day I had my first glass of alcohol, the day I thought college was the best thing about life, the day I bid goodbye to friends for some hundredth time, the day I got my first scooter, the day I was praised by a teacher for my debate, the day I got my first cheque, the day I met my superhero, the day I thought I was going to die, the day I wanted do die, the day I spoke for the first time, the day I found out i have people who love me despite knowing, the day I wanted to live again, the day I bought my first phone, the day I bought my car, the day I completed my one year at work, the day my parents indirectly told me they were proud of me, the day I saw life take a 360, the day I had my first and thousandth panic attack, the day i searched for the depression online, the day I started writing diaries, the day I started blogging, the day I started lying and hiding from friends I once thought were my life, the day i saw my mother cry, the day I came back from work smiling and singing I love my work, the day I never wanted anything do change, the day I thought nothing would change now, the day I met music, the day i wrote Dominique’s first page, the day I went to Srinagar, the day I had my worst haircut, the day I won my first and second chess tournament, the day I lost against, the day I lost, the day I won against my biggest opponent, the day i won against my boss, the day I got my first surprise birthday party, the day I cried and I didnt know how to stop myself, the day I again wanted to die, the day i realised im a superhero, the day I was scared I would lose my mind, the day I stood awake all night worried about Snowy, the day he had his operation and I saw him on the strecher and the day he died…

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Anger is one friend i cant get rid of…!!!!

I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.

You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.

Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.

Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.

Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.

My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.

Me: Nodding

Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.

Brother: Everyone is coming

Me: Nodding and smiling just a little

Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.

Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.

Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.

Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.

I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.

I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!

And she blames gravity for her fall…!!!!

I had a bad day and funny thing is nothing even happened but it was a day I can’t get out of not until I sleep it off. Nobody knows what I went through today because people who love me saw me like they see me every day, but I wasn’t okay. Okay isn’t the word I can use I was broken and dying inside. Whole day I felt this noose around my neck and a dagger in my chest making it hard to breathe, literally.

I had a panic attack and my anxiety touched the roof but to people around me I was completely okay, I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad.

How I wish I could have just one more day off because I feel horrible inside and im not even close to an R of ready to face Monday.

And she blames gravity for her fall for no one knows what hit her…!!!!

To music, Et Tu Brute…?

My awesomeness is on vacation since yesterday, just can’t get hold of it. And worst, my saviour music won’t work on me today. Is world really coming to an end or am I just a sleep deprived, aftermath of a panic attack that can’t see no sunshine.

It all started yesterday, I had an episode of panic attack and I could see myself out of my body screaming and begging me to run away but here I was sitting among my family members and relatives enjoying a wedding of someone. I was smiling, enjoying the snacks and clicking pictures but truth be told at that very moment all I wanted to do was close my eyes and open them only to be somewhere else, somewhere among people who don’t know me, so I could break out of the pretences and cry like a kid.

So this morning I woke up with worst mood. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone or wanted anyone to talk to me. I wanted to dive in silence and breathe in my miseries. In short I didn’t want to pretend and act all cool like am awesome. I’m not awesome, I m the worst kind of person you can have around. I’m not saying all this because I have done anything wrong, personally I think I’m amazing but I’m just not the kind of friend or daughter one should have.

I know it’s just sleepless me and tomorrow I will be back to singing “I’m awesome” song again, but right now I feel sad and hurt. Usually when I’m down and low, I go for music or coffee or just cry a little and it feels better. But today coffee failed big time, no song was sad enough to make me cry and just when you need to cry you can’t. I’m like on verge of punching a wall yet I can’t make myself cry and feel okay. Stupid tear gland.

I guess I need to sleep. O apologies for not visiting your blog, I’m just messed up and busy but I will clear all the backlog of updates from other blogs.

Fact is just when I thought I’m getting a hang of Jane Doe, my time is running out of my hand. I’m afraid it’s too late. I will fail again and disappoint again. Great! There is no way I’m going to make NaNo. I didnt write yesterday because I was out for the wedding and meeting an old college friend (it was fun felt good) and tonight I’m going to close my eyes and lie down hoping I won’t wake up the way I did this morning, hoping I will wake up with at least one drop of hope inside me to save myself from the crazy me. I’m not scared of my darkness but the crazy mind I have when I’m like this, the one that doesn’t say nice things to me…that scares me.

Right now I wish to close my eyes and paint a happy picture infront of me…!!!!