So apparently it’s my blog’s birthday. God! It feels like ages ago when I started blogging. I was one of those “I’m going to post my views on politics, social issues and write the right stuff”.
Then I turned into long lost sister of Meredith Grey and colored the blog into nothing, but dark and twisty.
But I love my blog.
I actually made friends with few fellow bloggers. Crazy how people really do click that LIKE button but it feels nice.
When I started blogging I started following other people on regular basis, but I rarely do that now. Its not them it’s me thing. Life is hitting me hard shots with backhand.
This is where I realized I’m a superhero. I miss my super hero posts and the one where I’m talking to the voices. I ‘ve had some really crazy but funny crazy posts too. This is where I do the poetry too.
I wish one day I get to tell my story till then it’s all bits and pieces of my darkness.
Thank you for tagging along.
Sharing something I’ve been listening so much. It’s stuck in my head.
Have you ever had a day where you don’t feel anything? You are not happy, but you are not sad either. No anger or fear or anxiety. Nothing. You end up wishing for some kind of emotions, anything would do heck even tears would be great but there aren’t any cause you ain’t sad. No sadness.
The only fraction of emotion that you feel is doubt. You wonder and doubt whether you’re even alive. Because you are that numb.
So you try to read but you’re not interested, you try to write a story but for that you need emotions but there aren’t any, you open your laptop to watch a movie but you don’t feel like.
Not only do you not feel any emotion, you don’t even feel like doing things that you love.
Have you ever had a day where voices in your head are locked somewhere, you do occasionally hear a muffled scream begging you to do something but you cant make out the words and have no interest in even trying?
A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.
Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.
So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.
Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.
I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.
Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.
The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.
I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.
EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…
It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.
I don’t believe in me anymore.
Dear Voices,
Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.
If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’
You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.
Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.
Little
I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…
Some days I’m so angry at everything and everyone that its hard to remember that I’m turning 30 and not 13. Its crazy, you don’t go rebellious and angry at this stage but I guess the voices in my head are living in denial. I’m just glad I was never this angry when I was a teenager, because I’m fairy sure that would not have gone well.
There have been days when I have slept thanking myself for not listening to me about punching the door or the table or the wall or any other piece of furniture around cause I’m not a real hulk, angry yes but not hulk strong.
So, today I watched Inside Out movie and while I was sitting there watching it I realized something ‘Somebody made a movie on the voices’. I wanted to laugh out loud (I cant use LOL. I’m old I guess) but I had people around. Movie was good but the fact that it was about voices inside the head made me love it even more. I’m pretty sure the ones inside mine are feeling like movie stars today. Now I know who controlled my day today the little red guy, I just hope tomorrow its Joy’s shift, the pretty one with pixie cut. For some reason the red and blue ones have taken my console, wonder where is the jumpy fairy with blue hair.
Enough of me and my anger issues, leaving you guys with a good song. I’ve recently discovered Ben Howard and he is amazing.
I don’t know if you and I are the same, because I’m definitely not what I was 5 years from today but I do hope you are somewhat close to being happy. Funny thing is I was never happy, not even when I think I was. I guess this is where we sing our anthem Born This Way. I, also, do hope you are still hooked to the headphones because if you are I know you are safe and you’ll make it through whatever there is 5 years from now.
It would be crazy if you are anything like what I’m today because it would mean my level of anxieties, fear and blues are just the same. No scope of decline. Please tell me, 5 years from now you have finally found a way to get up early in the morning, because I’m sure I would be a late night person even years from now. And I also hope, so hope, that you managed to travel. Please tell me, you are or were in NYC. Please say yes. Please. Please.
It’s not that things are bad right now, not really, but they are definitely at a blind turn. So, I can only wonder what and where I would be next year or 5 years down the line. Just hope, I’m still not in Gotham. That would be the saddest thing apart from many other things that could happen.
I don’t know why I’m talking to you today, guess it’s because I can’t stop wondering if things would ever change like good-change. Would I ever get to stop being Batman, will there ever be a day I would leave Gotham and what about true love? I guess, my probability of finding water on Mars is way more than finding true love on earth. So, I just hope if not love at least you would have travel stories or a new job adventures going on.
Happiness is just a word and I know even if you have some of the things that I dream about, or wish for, you’d still be not happy happy. That’s not your fault. We have been stained by the ache so bad; there is no detergent to wash it away. But, if you are traveling or doing something you love its almost being happy. Not getting panic attacks anymore is the closest to happiness you would ever be. That I know. More than anything, I wish you are no longer lying cause if you are then I guess you too would find yourself with a letter like this for the 10 years later version of me. I know you too would want to know what I want to know, if the hiding and crying has stopped or not.
Yesterday and Today were crazy days at Gotham, which made me wonder what have I earned or learned in past 8 years, in terms of the work thing. Personally, of course, past 8 years have given, taken and taught a lot.
Among all the questions of who and what I’m 5 years from now, I have to ask this…Are you still writing? Did you manage to find a way to share your stories? Dear me 5 years from now, please be whatever and whoever, just don’t give up on the stories in your head even if it’s just for your eyes, because these stories are the only thing that have kept me going along with few good people. So, I hope you still have your stories and those few good people with you. If you have, I know you are okay and I’m going to be okay whether things are not what you and I want.
Hoping and wishing best,
Little from 2015
P.S No matter what, just keep hanging on.
P.P.S If the voices in your head are still mean, ignore. Like I’m doing right now, while writing this post.
For long I had this wish to put a tick mark against one of my bucket list wish – to watch a movie alone. At first it started as a thought of doing something fun and crazy cause who really goes for movies alone? But I never had the courage because I thought watching a movie alone is the saddest thing in the world and no matter how sad my life goes I will never do this.
Life heard me, laughed and said CHALLENGE ACCEPTED…
So, when life hits you that Ace you just have to stand there and wonder what happened to your backhand. Anyhow, I did reached that point where one fine day I just booked a ticket and went alone. I was nervous, little excited and kind of scared because I had no idea how to just go there, sit and watch a movie with no one to look at, when there is something funny or sad or scary on the big screen. But, it wasn’t bad in fact it was liberating. I know a tiny part of me from the old-me is kind of dying right now in some corner of my head reading these words, but honestly it was the best thing that I ever did for me.
This Saturday when I sat there in an almost empty theater watching Age of Adaline on the big screen, I realized what a magical world we have in the movies. They make you forget everything that pushes you to that dark corner of the road and make you want to live forever singing it’s-a-beautiful-world. The stories and characters and emotions on that big screen in a dark hall are so majestic and beautiful that for those 2 some hours world feels good, nice, kind and even a gift.
There is something about watching a movie on a big screen and for a long time I felt sad for missing on movies because I had no social life, the people I was dependent on had other people, my issues were often making friends unfriend me leaving me all by myself.
I don’t know how sad it sounds but doings things for yourself isn’t sad its fun and liberating. You don’t have too lie to yourself or ignore yourself and give reasons for not being in mood for an outing, because you know you wont leave you for crazy mood swings, socializing issues and crazy self created walls/rules around your life. People would do that to you, you wouldn’t do that to you.
Voices: Adaline?
Me: Fish! sorry…All I wanted to say was watch Age of Adaline. Great movie.
Voices: Was that so hard?
Me: I thought a little history would be good.
Voices: A little? You would have written a book on your sorry life.
Me: I couldn’t have, for a book I would have needed a fictional name, few character introductions and.. Oh! was that sarcasm?
Voices (Rolling eyes)
So, in short I started today’s post with an aim of giving a review of Age of Adaline and how magical I felt while I sat there watching this movie, wondering what a beautiful world a movie creates for us. But, I ended up blabbering. So here I go – I watched Age of Adaline and Blake Lively was flawless, I never much liked her as Serena in Gossip Girl because her character was not the kind I would want to be friends with but I would definitely want to be friends with Adaline.
So, if you know me then you also know how hard it is for me to be in a wedding. I don’t like going to weddings not just cause they are too loud and crowded (BTW- Indian weddings are fun if you are not me), but also cause you (me) have to talk to relatives you (me) avoid all the time.
I’m so allergic to weddings that I often end up with symptoms like panic attacks or anxiety or simple Hulk syndrome, where all I want to do is turn green and make that legendary hole-in-wall punch.
Relatives- How are you? How’s it going? What are you doing lately? You never visit or call? When are you getting married? You have to get married now and give us chance to come to your wedding.
Me- Im fine. How are you? Working same place ( where I’ve been working for past 8 years). Just busy. (All the while smiling, looking around for an excuse to escape and working hard to not explode with the invisible panic attacks.)
In short, I’m not a fan of weddings. Nope, don’t like dressing up, have no answers to any questions from uncles and aunts who are probably busy wondering how awesome their daughter or son is compared to me, do not like the loud Punjabi music that I need a dictionary for and, yep, I definitely do not enjoy being the prey for those gazing around, like a hawk to tear me up, with those you-are-next eyes.
Voices – Ahem! Me- What? Voices- Dude point Me- Oh! Yeah. Point is I went for a wedding today, got bored as usual but I clicked a nice picture. Cool right? Voices (rolling eyes)-
Weekend came and went in a jiffy or maybe I didn’t notice it because I was too busy partying and having time of my life with a friend who came unannounced.
Saturday I had a surprise visit from a dear dear friend called darkness, I call my friend Darky with love. So Darky kind of is a very old and dear friend, at first I never liked being around this buddy of mine but then with time I got used to having Darky around. There is this thing about Darky, it comes and goes without informing and when we are together, we party and party hard.
So, this Saturday we both sat and spent whole day together. We kind of had a slumber party, just the two of us, as we danced on self pity, anger, misery, bitterness and what not. We have been friends for a long time now, but every time my dear friend visits me I get this weird feeling that i need some space. There I said it, i want to break up with my friend for I think Darky and I need to spend some time apart…by some I mean a lot. Don’t get me wrong, i am so used to Darky that I don’t remember life before we became friends but every visit from my fun friend takes me away from real life.
We party so hard that next day it’s a mess inside my head, the hangover in itself is so strong and I feel so bad about wasting precious little me time where i could have read or wrote or went out for a walk or just did anything else. Every time we meet, Darky and I become crazy duos who kind of cut ourselves away from the world. I kind of avoid my other friends, family and my own self when I’m with this crazy friend of mine.
Guess, some friends are bad influence for real and yet you can’t get rid of them.
Now, I wish I could get my Saturday back. Lying there on the couch hating the world, hating myself, I realized one thing that just when you need the voices in your head to intervene they sit back and enjoy the show of you getting all high and handsey with darkness.
And when the party is over and you are sober, this happens:
Me: God! I want my Saturday back.
Voices: Hmm…Shouldn’t you be wanting your dignity back?
Me: What?
Voices: Just kidding. Saturday is a good wish. What would you do with dignity anyway, throw it away with your next cocktail of self loathing. Go girl!
Voices: BTW…You and Darky…such a lovely couple…sniff sniff…tears…
Do you ever worry for your parents, like they are so fragile and they aren’t invincible? Past one week made me kind of realize how i’ve grown up being taken care by my parents and ended up thinking they are made of titanium, but they are just as much breakable as me.
I dont know how i managed to survive till Friday, but i have made it and here im sitting alone in my room breathing in the relief of a weekend. I am exhausted physically and mentally, so badly. I just need to stay in bed for a day and not do anything, don’t even want to get up to make myself a cup of coffee but then i would die of caffeine deprivation. So i wont perform that stunt. Coffee is must for me, its my dope just like music.
Have you ever felt the need to cry even though you aren’t feeling like crying but you need to? Im heavy inside, so heavy that i cant think. It’s all so clouded, numb and cluttered inside. Thoughts inside my head are pushing the each other and suffocating one another. I need to clear the damn head, i need to feel and cry and let it go. Weird? well weird for one reason because i dont feel like crying. Voices are laughing at me, i know that. Damn!
I think emotionally it has been an overwhelming week.
Little miss obsessive's anatomy!! 