Hello from the otherside …

It has been a long time since I had a general post about life and things inside my head; so much has happened and yet I’m still where I was with my last conversation here.

You know how people say things like ‘I’m dead’ generally and casually in a conversation, I have started to see it as gibberish. It makes no sense. People don’t die, they vanish. You know what dies, a radio or a car engine or a mobile battery; things die and then they stay there on the table or the bed or inside the pocket of a forgotten bag. A radio dies and becomes a rusty box but it stays there. People don’t stay, they vanish. People cant die, they vanish and cant be found again even if they are rusty or useless.

I’m not being melancholic, dark sure, but I’m just stating the facts of what I felt after my father’s death. I don’t think I’m a writer enough to describe it, so let’s move on.

Well, when I said a lot has happened but I’m still here I was talking about my ‘Im going to get my book published’, yeah hasn’t happened yet and I don’t think its on the cards.

Today is day 2 of NaNoWriMo and here I’m a hopeless owner of random words, stories, ideas and characters but no courage. For someone who likes to pretend to have a superhero alter ego, I sure am quite a chicken.

Maybe, I should just do it. Write whatever, it’s not like that it will get published and judged.

Yesterday, I was suffering from Mean Reds like the ones Holly Golightly talks about in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I had a dream and even in my dream I chose to be the righteous one and letting go of something because the words were there, the thought ‘What would the world say’. It is absolutely stupid to not live life even in a dream, the San Junipero made of tissues, cells, nerves and some other weird human anatomy stuff.

I woke up blue and red; spent all my day thinking how another day has come and gone by with nothing happening. Something has to happen right, some stars have to collide to divert me from this path, I’m dragging my feet on.

Anyhow, I think I’m going to write. Its not like I want to be Rowling or Woolf, but maybe I could be Paul Varjak with one book and no fame. That would be fun too.

I have started catching up on Audrey Hepburn movies. I certainly believe I’m in the wrong era.

Alright, I’m going to do it. I’m going to send my book to another publishing agent and I’m going to do NaNoWriMo 2017.

Here is a song from Rooney Mara’s latest A Ghost Story. She is an underrated actress with so much to give. She is exceptionally talented and I’m a fan.

                    I get overwhelmed

Not dead. Occasionally writing.

Still alive.
Still fighting Gotham.
Still faking awesomeness.
Crawling my way into NaNoWriMo.

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Read some, Wrote some, Watched some… #FictionMeAndWeekend

I’m too slow with my story, as in pace wise.  I did do some writing this weekend but i could have done better. Wasted a lot of time here and there, mostly because i have this unwanted and unwelcome and highly annoying friend  – my mood swings.

Anyhow, i think I’m going to finally finish a story. I don’t know if i would keep it or share it, i don’t know if its good or a crappy one but i do know that i need to do this. Write and wrap a story. I know I’m slow but I’m going to wrap it up before I start with my NaNoWrimo.

Today, when i was walking and running around in the park i had this thought. There were bunch of kids playing football who later on started playing with firecrackers as the season of Diwali is here. As, i ran around in circles looking at those boys i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother would i want to be. Yes, i know i don’t want to be a mother but if i ever did go through that bridge i would want my kid to grow up with these –

– Racism is bad

– Everyone is a person, there is no such thing as black, gay, loser, short, fat, brown

– Right to equality and freedom is more than a quote from a book

– Pets are family and we dont throw stones at family

– Never whistle at or disrespect any girl, not matter how she dresses up

– Empathy matters

– Being a leader is cool, but being a bully is not

– Earth is already polluted

– Super heroes are  for real. They are people who go out of their way to help others or make someone feel special

I don’t know why i was thinking about it but i feel we don’t teach our kids, specially boys, things out of the text books. Parents do the best they can, but there are some who believe its okay for their kids to be kids and learn from their mistakes. Which is good but when a kid bullies another kid and hurts him/her, that’s not the kind of mistake we want our kid to learn from. In fact that’s a mistake we should not let out kid make at all.

Mistakes that we should let our kids learn from should be ones like breaking a guitar and realizing he or she is better at sports not music, forgetting to bring important books to school and realizing it is important to get up early and spend some time with the school bag, breaking a window with a ball and realizing some games should be played outside in the lawn.

Its crazy, but i wish we would teach more than they learn from Maths, Social Science, Chemistry, Bio and History classes. I saw those kids with firecrackers and i wish i could tell them to not do that, because dogs, cats and birds get scared to death when something so loud happens.

May be I’m weird, just weird. I don’t even know how to talk to a baby when i m sitting in front of one and here I’m talking about things we should teach our kids.

So, i thought things like that and then shook my head wondering what on earth I’m thinking, I mean I should be the last person to be allowed to take care of a kid.

Anyhow, i think i should go now. Weekend is over and tomorrow is Gotham day.

Spidey Down…Spidey Down…!!!!

Super Heroes don’t need saving but i think that gotta change, because i could use a little help here. I think I’m losing my super powers or maybe I’m going through that phase that even Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman went through. Remember that scene where he stops believing in himself and one fine day while jumping from one building to another he SWOOOSHHH falls down.

Well that’s how things are with me. I mean i know I’m blue and blue but i thought that’s my own personal little secret but twice in the week people asked me if ‘I’m okay’ and that ‘i look sad or low’. Whoa! I thought i had my mask on. While i was being Spidey, people saw me as Peter Parker. Not good.

You know what’s sadder than the fact that I’m not writing this year? The fact that my NaNoWriMo account is not taking my sign up details. Can’t Sign in. Changed password so many times in fact even tried to use the Support guys to help me. Is that a “Sign” from the universe? Is the universe saying “Love- 40”?.

Is Superman allowed to be scared of flying?

My room and my car are two of my most favorite places on this planet, because i feel safe when im with myself. That is the saddest thing to say but its the story of my life.

Another sad thing about life is that im scared of doing things i love. Its second day of NaNoWriMo and i still haven’t written a word. I blame it on the fact that i have no internet connection, but truth is im avoiding writing for no reason. The writing thing is just one of many things im scared to go for. I wont even go mentioning other stuff because it would make me sound crazy to my own ears. A part of me wonders how much damaged im, because some nights i hide in my sheets and cry myself to sleep and then there are days im all sunshine, dancing on my bed for no reason.

Fact is im scared of being happy, of being sad, of being scared, of being angry all the time…im scared of every emotion that i feel.

Im even scared of getting another dog. I wonder why cant i be that girl in Gotham who i don’t like. I mean sometimes even she seems way saner than me. I mean, yes, she is crazy in her ways but i think being her would be better than being me. All she worries about is her nails, her hair, her shopping, her looks, her dresses and her being center of attention all the time. Here im dark and twisted, scared of doing things i love or want, crying all alone,wanting to be alone and believing in and hoping for a miracle.

I really don’t know why im writing all this, because truth be told right now my mood is all good. In fact the whole festival and extended weekend thing has made me a bright shiny bulb. But i still cant stop wondering why im scared of writing the story i have on my mind. Why im scared of things that make me happy?

Happy but thoughtful…!!!!

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On journey from Denial to Acceptance, life serves you crazy cocktail called “Mixed emotions”…!!!!

Last night i had a karaoke night in my room, as i danced and sang to loud music from the speakers in my room. I used my television remote as my fake microphone while jumping up and down on my bed late at night.

My mom was worried i was going to break something in my room, my father was worried about neighbours complaining about loud music at that time of the night. But it was so much fun and rejuvenating.

I don’t know what triggered it but i had the best karaoke night because i danced like no one was watching, because no one was watching. I do this dance on my bed session alot but usually on a weekday.

What can i say, between Denial and Acceptance there is a long journey of mixed emotions and crazy moments.

I have been having a very busy time at Gotham and even though its killing me, im happy about it. You cant afford to think and go wailing because your mind is busy working. Nice deal. Even though bottling up emotions is a recipe for disaster it always works well for few good drama free days.

I should do more of this my-kind karaoke nights, at least i will get some kind of exercise while im trying to break my bed. No tv episodes isn’t that bad but im afraid with no internet, i might not be able to complete this year’s NaNoWriMo or worst take part in it. Lets see, even if i don’t i will start writing as soon as im back.

Got to go, busy day tomorrow plus i feel exhausted.
Goodnight world.

Sometimes i wish i was more expressive and less walled up. Sharing and expressing is a good thing and i wish i could do that. If only i wasn’t the mean angry Hulk anymore, who enjoys long drive, buying coffee, shopping for books and dancing to music…all alone. If only i wasn’t the “my own favorite person” kind of person.

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Once upon a time in Gotham…!!!!

Some days I wake up so bitter that all I want is my headphones and my cup of coffee, with no one coming over to my cubicle to talk to me but it’s not how life goes.

I don’t think I can take part in NaNoWriMo this year, because I might have a busy month with the festival season and the fact that we might have few relatives coming over. Plus, I don’t have a story. I have but not like last year. Maybe if I can spend some time on the different concepts on my mind, but then I don’t know.

Today a funny thing happened; I was on a Skype call with a Polish translator with my Project Manger. He was the one on call and I was sitting next to him because it was a task I was overseeing. So while he was on the phone, I sat there next to him for whole 2 hours just thinking and looking around and day dreaming.

Me: If I could meet a celebrity

Myself: Meg Ryan of course

Me: That would be so awesome

Myself: So Frekin Awesome

Myself: Who else?

Me: Neil Patrick

Myself: Patrick Dempsey

Me: Stana Katic

Myself: Ian somerhalder

Me: Ian, anytime, Ian

Me: Winona Ryder maybe

Myself: That would be cool too

Me: So cool

Myself: Pretty Cool

Me: I know right?

Myself: Yeah

Voices: Hey crazy head look around

Me & Myself: Seriously?

Voices: What?

Me & Myself: Buzz Kill

Truth is I was so bored and sleepy that I was wondering how much fun it would be if I could just meet one of the many people I admire. I have a list of people I would like to meet, most of them are singers and few of them are movie stars and a handful of them come of TV shows. What’s wrong in making a list? Nothing. Plus this comes way too low in the list of crazy things done by me.

I’m just eagerly waiting for Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Castle to come back now that Pretty Little Liars is on summer break.

I will go and try to finish my book; you guys enjoy a song from another awesome person I would love to meet.

Dear 2012, you were way nicer to me than 2011…thankyou and goodbye!!!!

There is this thing about me, I love the occasionally small surprises of happiness life gives because I know I rarely get the moments when I forget the truth. Year has gone by and I’m still where I was clueless about what’s waiting for me at the turn, but its okay because right now I feel happy. I had a good day, while a lot of people must have partied and spent the night holding hand of someone they love, I spent my new years eve having coffee and donut with two of my amazingly awesome friends.

It’s crazy, this week I met two very special people of my life and it makes me happy. I don’t know if people who matter to me really know what they mean, but I do know I’m happy to have them in my life.

2011 wasn’t a good year, I had some big expectations from it because I was drowning and I thought maybe a new year would bring some change it didnt, which is why I wasn’t excited about 2012. But I must say 2012 was way nicer to me, way better. Some really nice things happened in 2012, some good days, lots of nice moments and less crying-myself-to-bed moment though they usually never go away no matter what year. Hey I got my first car from my own hard earned money that was a big thing. Actually I think that made my parents happy and my friends too.

I went to Kashmir which is something I never thought I would get to do because that place is beautiful and far away. Two of my very awesome friends got married and are now happy which makes me happy.

As per the annual report card of WP I did pretty decent and people liked my blog which is crazy but nice.  Hey I wrote 50k words (yet failed to make NaNoWrimo) in one month first time in my life.

I feel sort of emotional right now, probably because I’m happy and sad all at the same time. No I don’t feel sad because the year is over, because at the end it is just numbers. I feel sad because a part of me is scared about what 2013 has to give, because the good moments of 2012 will now be just memories, because year comes and goes and I still find myself at a war with an invisible enemy.

But I’m happy too because I might be wrong and life might end up surprising me with Dawn. That’s me trying to be positive. Honestly, am just happy that I end up spending this week with two of my favourite people who stay away in different cities. I’m just happy that my most awesomely favourite person surprised me with a tiny visit today. I’m just happy that people I love are safe, happy and healthy. I’m just happy that my Snowy is better. I’m just happy that irrespective of my truth, I still have a part of me that wants to believe in miracles. I’m just happy that I have loved ones and they love me back. I’m just happy that God likes me because I’m safe, healthy and have the most amazing people in my life.

Before I go, thank you all of you for liking my blog, following me, just visiting and being my friend from different part of the world. This also reminds me 2012 was the year I officially stopped writing daily diary.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!!!!!

P.S last night I saw V for Vendetta…loved it. And now Natalie Portman has officially become one of my favourites. I had no idea why I didn’t watch this movie earlier.

when i look like a doppelganger of a zombie…Zzzzz…!!!!!

Tonight i plan to sleep before 12 and thus i will not give you words but random pictures…i need to sleep because dawn or no dawn, darkness or light, happiness or tears…no matter what i still love myself and i think im awesome and dying because of lack of sleep is not how a super hero goes down…

Batman in real life

 

My love

 

When pretending to work

 

When staring at the screen

 

During my NaNoWrimo struggle

 

My Music Gadget..

 

Something i loved doing

 

Once i was more than awesome…thats my winning pose before i made the opponent say “Fck you im not playing with you anymore”

Goodnight World!

P.S – My count for posts has crossed 300…how crazily awesome is that?

Leaving you guys with a song i once loved so much. Today i accidentally stumbled upon it on my phone during shuffle mode.

 

 

 

In my world, i nailed NaNoWrimo…!!!!

I haven’t had a good night sleep for a while now.

Worked on over 25,000 words in two days.

lost 4 words somewhere.

Couldn’t finish NaNo on time.

Clock struck 12 with me at 46,000 words.

But im so freaking happy.

I wrote 500000 words…i would like to count the lost data too.

So i may not have 50,oooo words to upload before 12, but i had actually worked on 50k. Lost one counted in my land. Hi-Five to me…!!!!

Will be back tomorrow, right now im happy, sleep deprived and on verge of falling asleep on my laptop.