Sing me a lullaby…!!!!

I wanted to write about something today but now i cant think about it. huh! what was it? Anyhow, i want to tell you all something. I love my phone, i do. There i said it. Every since mobile phones became the thing to buy, i have had bought so many of them. No, not because im rich but i just happen to have been an owner of a new phone almost every other year. Strange i know.

But this one, the one i have right now, has to be the one that i would not part with easily. Nokia’s music app is killing me with happiness and music.

I still don’t remember what i wanted to talk about. What was it?

I want to meet a stranger, fall in love, go travel, get drunk, write a love poem and actually hand it over, wake up to a face every day, dance to crazy teen songs while pasting pictures of someone on the walls of my room, practice smiles in mirror and look at the stars only say they are beautiful. I want to be happy, head over heels and in love like every other normal person is. I want to walk out of the cloud of darkness and glitter in the sunshine of happiness.

Even that’s not what i wanted to write, but that’s just something i say every day to myself hoping one day it would come true. Cause you have to fight, you just have to be Kathleen Kelly and throw some punches in the air and say “Fight, Fight, Fight” or Capt. Karen Emma Walden with “No Surrender” attitude. Yes, I love Meg Ryan 😀 guilty as charged.

I think the week has been too exhausting and that’s why i forgot what i wanted to say.  I have to go because i have a S.J Bolton book to finish.

Man! i need some sleep. Anyhow, today i was running and this thought came to about how glad im for music and what if there was no music in the world. I tried to imagine and i almost died imagining because ever since i have slipped in to my darkness music is one big thing keeping intact. yes, there are other things, there are friends too but i am so glad world has music. When im with my headphones im often a person you would like. Truth is if you’ve had met me in another place, another world chances are you would have loved me because im a fun person deep down somewhere i think.

Okay! now I’m really shutting up my babbling. Somebody make me sleep.

Goodnight world!

!!!

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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Darkness is a stalker…!!!!

Sometimes having a good time can make you feel guilty or maybe its just me. You are not made for darkness i tell myself but it all sounds phoney to my ears.

I have been told that i have changed as a person. I have and i cant explain why.

For past few days i have been thinking about things in general. About days that i cant relive, people i miss and changes that have scarred inside of my heart. Last night i cried a lot because i couldn’t stop thinking about Snowy and that last moment of his. The moment when he stopped breathing and when my brother and i carried him to the car. Kills me. It wont go away. This is why i cant talk about him.

I am not sure where my life is going. The only good thing that happened out of my Panic Disorder phase is that my mother knows something is wrong with me.

Truth is i am worried that another season of changes is going to come and hit me hard and break few more bones of hope. Im worried i will be left battling more changes. Dont know why but i am scared.

Anyhow, you know what i need right now? A cup of coffee and a new Book. Its funny how despite having a good evening im so low and upset. I was out dancing with office people and it was a fun evening, but now that im alone and have remove all the pretenses off my face, i cant stop feeling sad and empty.

At last i have my weekend and i can work on my story. Two days of sulking and writing is what i need. Or maybe i should just take my car to the city and buy as many books as possible.

Everybody loves Raymond and im not him…!!!!

 

Award nominations…!!!

I have got 3 blog award nominations by the very generous and awesome Tazein mirzasaad, thus today I would like to thank her and acknowledge her nominations.

Best Moment Award

The Tag Award

The Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you Tazein mirzasaad for every nomination. Thank you for keeping me in your heart during every nomination you got and forwarding it over to me. You deserve them all.

Rules say I have to say something about me and pass on the nomination, but you already know a lot about me thus I would just like to pass it on to every one of you.

It’s just crazy and awesome to know what I started as just a blog is now a major part of me, and it even gets nominated for cool awards. Wow!

So how was the mother’s day? I got a haircut. And I drove in rain.

I don’t tell my mom how awesome she is, but I do love her. She is one reason I feel guilty about the kind of person I’m because it hurts her. I kind of make her worry a lot, but I wish I could tell her how much I love her. The kind of people we are, my father, my brother and me, my mom is truly awesome to still be with us. I mean we are crazy people and she still loves us.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, someone who isn’t me. Because she deserves a better daughter, someone who would make her proud.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for loving me despite my being me. I know you won’t ever read this page and I might never say this out loud, but I love you and I am sorry for every small or big fight we ever had. Just know I love you.

Me.

Well, I have planned a surprise for her. It’s her Birthday cum Mother’s day gift and she will get it on 23 May. Hope she will like it.

Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s day.

P.S tomorrow i will visit all the blogs i have been missing on. Sorry i have been having hard time with the twistiness inside my head but i be there tomorrow.

 

 

Being awesome in an imaginary world is not enough…!!!!

I can’t write, I just can’t. When I became a blue person and got the darkness inside me I found comfort in writing, I started writing and wrote and wrote. But now I can’t write; I find it hard to write anything.

My anger, agony and grief are so heavy that I can’t even do things that I love to. My friend asked me out for a movie, I said no and she couldn’t get why on earth I would say no to a movie when I love movies.

It’s not just the fact that I am grieving, it’s the fact that my pain of losing Snowy has just added to the everyday hurting. All these hours that I have spent, since last night, watching TV shows were just focused on killing the thinking cells inside my head. But unfortunately I have pretty active and effective brain cells they won’t stop doing what they do, thinking…they won’t stop thinking.

Today I cleaned my room a little and found this notebook with a story, just 3-4 pages written on a plot that I once had on my mind. I re-read it and it felt nice because it made me want to sit and write. But I dint.

Here is the thing, I am a good person in the sense I have never really done anything bad to anyone but I’m a disappointment for many. For people who love me, my family and friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls in my office who I personally do not like for they are so fake and crazy but at least they want normal things in life like a wedding, a husband, and a family. I am nice, not fake and less crazy compared to them but I disappoint people who love me. My stubbornness and different choices in life worries people who love me and I’m well aware of that. So what do I do? Be me or be someone they want? Either ways someone gets hurt.

A week before I lost Snowy, I had a bad 2-3 days so bad I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was dying inside but I didn’t. Things cooled down I was finally breathing but then I lost someone I can’t forget, someone I miss so much.

Yesterday night I was crying and I didn’t know why…I mean I didn’t know was I crying because of  the conversation I had with my mother 2 weeks ago or was I crying because I miss Snowy so much. Well I woke up with a dream about him so maybe I was crying because of him but then I was and even now I m thinking of my mother. How I wish she had a better person as her daughter. So basically I’m sad and broken and going crazy but for several reasons, one isn’t enough I guess.

Saddest thing is it makes me sad to not want to be me…in the world inside my head, im awesome!!