Maybe, I’m a not-so-talented & less-creative version of Cath from Fangirl!!

Crazy how a random line from a book can make you look over your shoulder, wondering if the author was stalking you. Because it wasn’t just a line, it was you sprayed right across the page…

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Rumor has it that Little got inked…!!!!!

I did. I did. I got inked.

For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.

So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.

While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?

It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.

Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.

I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.

Dear Me,

Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.

So, don’t give up on dawn. Not yet.

Myself

 

potato-potahto, tomato-tomahto, music-hope…!!!!

I can picture my worst fears but what I cant picture is a world without music, because it’s the only thing protecting me from my worst fears…!!!!

Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31^st and 1^st and 2^nd and 3^rd and 4^th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

• Find as many new songs as possible
• Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
• Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
• Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
• Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
• Read as many historical fiction as possible
• Read at least one unread book in my book collection
• Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
• Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
• Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
• Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
• Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
• Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
• Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
• Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

a creature of blues…!!!!

She was born to fly

But she can’t, no more

She don’t know why

Walking around

On the ground

Every day every second

She has forgotten how

She can’t be free now

Even if its dawn

Even if darkness is gone

She has walked for long

Doing it differently

Would feel so wrong

Sunshine would hurt

A story with no excerpt

A song with no lyrics

Like magic with no tricks

Normal is not her world anymore

She would not know now

What to do and how

Living under the darkness

Burdened with her mess

She built a routine

Something she can’t clean

She fears the dawn

She wants the dawn

Like a swimmer who never swam

She fears she will drown

Lived too long to be a creature of blues

She wonders

If she can handle world bright and new

She holds on to her pain

Like it’s her umbrella under the rain

Of doubts and uncertainty

Of a life torn between

Happiness and insanity….!!!!