Tag Archives: pretenses
Being a Superhero glorifies the lying…!!!!
For the first time in my life I finished a book in 2 days. Lately, I have been reading a lot, spending more time on books than TV shows or movies. I do allow myself occasional visit to Modern Family or Grey’s Anatomy but I am mostly busy buried in a book.
There is no answer to why. Lately, I don’t have any answer to any why. I have started doings things that I need to. I have begun working on a story that I probably would never finish and even if I do, I won’t ever share it with anyone. Again no answer to the why.
I’m just glad I have Agnes Obel because sometimes Avril, Brandi and Gaga sound like a lie. Music can be weird. Agnes makes feel the reality like it should, like a skin; all over me. I’m not in denial, I’m just living as Hyde and Jekyll or as I prefer to call it Batman and Bruce Wayne syndrome. That sounds better considering the fact that it glorifies my pretenses. Works magically on my self esteem.
Sometimes I wish I was a pianist or a violinist. I don’t know why but I think it’s the warm and kind embrace behind an instrumental music that makes me wish I was good with musical instruments.
I finished Someone Named Eva, The Girl On the Train and Annie On My Mind. All 3 of them were really good. I have this weird wish to one day visit Auschwitz, don’t know why but a part of me wants to pay my respect there. I know sounds weird for it’s not a name someone, who hasn’t been anywhere outside her country, takes for a foreign trip. I do have NYC on my mind all the time, but I wish to see myself in one of the camp sites in Poland and in Amsterdam where Anne lived.
There is no purpose of this post, I’m just sitting alone in my room and its 3 in the morning the ghostly hour. I felt like talking. At first I almost picked my diary. I feel unsettled despite the fact that the day was good, I saw HOME movie and spent rest of my day on my sofa reading and reading and finishing the book.
Tomorrow I shall search for more books because I just have Code Verity left now and I’m afraid I’m going to be soon left with nothing to read. I do not wish to go back to the TV show addiction. They lie. Books lie too but you know it’s a book, with TV shows you tend to forget the faces are actors who are nothing like the characters they play.
Got to go now.
Goodnight world!
Can Batman ever stop being Batman?
Can a superhero stop being a superhero? Can, one day, Bruce Wayne get up and ask Alfred to burn the uncomfortable black leather suit, for he don’t want to be Batman anymore?
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A superhero seeking solace in books…!!!!
Let the lies drown
Kill the frown,
Take off the mask
There is nothing to answer
And no one to ask,
This is your solitude
Where you bleed & brood …!!!!
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Lying is not a hobby, but her necessity…!!!
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broken bones…!!!!
Do tell
when they find
the broken
bones
of a girl so sad
who had
nothing to
hold on to
anymore
for
the air was too thin
the sky went grim
sun died
she cried & cried
searching for comfort
for it hurt
she hid
she ran
she fell,
do tell
for they would
want to know
where went the glow
of her lies & masks
and pretenses
do tell
her defenses
were broken into
when hope died
& turned blue,
do tell
she fought well
she did
as she hid
behind faces
and smiles
too heavy to carry,
do tell
her story
when they find
her broken
bones….!!!!!!
Silence or Music…!!!!
Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?
Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.
I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.
You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.
Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.
Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.
Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.
To the ghost of me…!!!!
To the ghost of me
I want to be you
Not me
But it cant be
So you stay
Inside
Away from the eyes
Of people
You hide
From everyone
But I wish it wasn’t me
Walking in the sun
Smiling to those
Around
I wish it wasn’t you
Gagged and bound
Left to breathe
In silence
And darkness within me
I want to be you
I want people
To like you
The face I am
For real for true
But a shadow
You are
And will always be
And I will face the rain
The sun and moon
Colored in gloom
You will watch
From the window
Inside me
Wanting to grow
Out
Of the lies
But it will always be
Me
Colored in pretenses
Keeping you in fences
I will live
Smile and shine
Not calling you mine
While all I want to
Be
Is you
I want to hide
I want to confide
Let the world see you
And not me
But you are a dream
A story untold
A seem
That will never get unfold
To the ghost of me
I want to be you
Not me
But it can’t be….!!!!
Painted so blue, wish i knew the reason too…!!!!
I want to watch a movie that I have already seen before, any movie would do but I have none because I lost all my movies when my laptop’s drive crashed. So here I am just wishing I had copied them in a pen drive for a day like today.
You know what’s my favorite place? My car. It’s the only place I feel better. Today I didn’t wanted to come home, no I wasn’t thinking of running away, I just wanted to drive around little more. The distance between my work place and my house is like 5 or 8 minutes. Driving was calming me down but I realized I was almost home, so I took a U-turn and decided to take a long cut. I drove back to one of my favorite shops near my office, bought me something to eat and came back home.
When I’m home I’m stressed and worried, when I’m at work I’m lost and bored; my car is the only place right now where I feel safe.
To be honest I have no idea why am on verge of crying, really have no idea or maybe I do. Even a tiny incident with ability to make me sad magnifies when my mind is all sleep deprived. Maybe that’s what it is. My inability to process things correctly because my mind is all sleep deprived.
One more day left before I can throw away my pretenses and sulk in my room.
If only I was just another regular 27 year old girl but I’m not. I’m freaking messed up, immature, crappy 27 year old who likes to dream with her eyes open because the one she sees when asleep only show her the reality of things.
I know what I need. I need to sleep. I need to stop killing my mind.
Before I leave: here is an amazing amazing performance by David Garrett. Man! He is good.
I buy books,even though i hardly open them…!!!!
That’s what i did today. I drove to city all alone in the rain because i wanted to enjoy the weather. I also worked on Jane Doe a little before i went for my drive.
I bought me two books, Silent House and The Perks of Being a Wildflower. Because that’s how i tell myself dont worry. Drive in rain and book shopping is probably best way to enjoy a Saturday. Truth is everything i do is solely based on making me walk a little more. the stories, the music, the shopping and the haircut which is making me pretty much happy.
I think some of my favourite shows are coming to their end, Grey’s Anatomy, Vampire Diaries and PLL. Man! that will make me sad. Last night i saw pilot epi of Homeland. pretty impressed.
Got to go now, will spend some time on Jane Doe and then i might read or watch an episode or a movie.
Some nights i close my eyes and imagine myself living in a world where i am no longer bounded by pretenses. I try to imagine myself in a happier mode, where i meet someone and fall in love. These fictional characters and their stories take me to such world, make me live my wishes.
Goodnight World!
Little miss obsessive's anatomy!! 