Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31^st and 1^st and 2^nd and 3^rd and 4^th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

• Find as many new songs as possible
• Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
• Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
• Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
• Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
• Read as many historical fiction as possible
• Read at least one unread book in my book collection
• Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
• Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
• Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
• Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
• Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
• Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
• Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
• Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

Merry Christmas…!!!!!

I hope there is a dawn for me and for everyone who needs it. It would be a waste of a good life that we have here if we give up on hope, even if we know its just a thread holding us for little more days or weeks or months or years. We are what we are, no one can change that and that’s what makes us special- our story. Don’t we all have one?

I have a story, a heartache, lots of issues and impossible & hopeless desire of a life I live inside my head. But I don’t ever want to give on hope, I want to believe that even though world is mean and hard and sometimes too racists or judgmental, but there are people who have nothing but love to give. I want to believe its okay to smile at others and at yourself for that’s how you make kindness survive among the seeds of hatred, sown up all around.

If you are someone who is hurting or wondering what is the purpose of anything or trying to hide those tears behind a still smile, I so so so dearly hope you would hold on to hope and smile and love yourself even if its hurting.

Maybe the world is dark and scary, but if you give up now or do not continue walking ahead how will you find kindness and people who would want to hear your story and fall in love with you despite every word you say.

Maybe happy endings are for movies but I hope you would still find a tiny little corner, inside your aching heart, for hope and a smile for yourself.

I hope you would learn to be kind to yourself…that makes a huge difference. Its okay to be your own person, your own super hero and your own Santa. If you can learn to love yourself and be kind to your hurting soul, you will find its not hard to hold on.

If hope is not your thing, if you are seeing the picture of life with all its
ugliness and sharp edges, just be gentle and kind to that person in your mirror.

Hanging on to the invisible threads of Hope…i wish you all

Merry Christmas

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Savage Garden was my savior when Chemistry was busy killing me…!!!!

Finding a Savage Garden song in the shuffle is like finding an old picture of school days…makes you smile!!!!!

a lonely star in a cloudy sky…!!!!

Im having a bad week…i can take all the things the punches of life thrown at me but when its someone in the family i dont know how to deal with it. My father is unwell, but im more worried about my mother.

I have never felt so lonely in my life, guess its the week. I found this song yesterday and it brought both smile and tears. Truth is i love mushy cute romantic proposals but that’s something i rather keep to myself.

4 years of infidelity with my diaries…Happy birthday to my blog!!!!

I need a “Don’t talk to me, unless you have an eatable to offer” t-shirt today.

I’m having a work loaded week and today almost killed me. I know I say I like busy days at Gotham but now it’s getting bad. Anyhow, before I continue writing let me tell you why I wasn’t blogging, I’ve become addicted to “Lost” just can’t stop watching it.

I’m so angry right now, not on anyone in particular but on myself maybe. Life isn’t fair, I get that but why can’t i just find something better than Gotham. I guess it’s one of those days when everything in my body wants to quit from Gotham but then I will sleep on it, wake up, drive to work, have my cup of coffee looking at the screen only to realise I cant break the shackles of my comfort zone. Because, I already have a battle inside my head about things bigger than a boring job.

Good thing about the day, my sweet little blog has just turned 4. Yay! Happy birthday to Little Miss Obsessive’s Anatomy. Four frekin years is bloody awesome and quite decent if you think about the fact that I’m a quitter.

I love my blog because it’s the only place I get to be a free-will writer with no boss, no deadlines, no stupid same thing all day, no nothing. I have found friends here, friends with their own world of stories, friends who listen to my cribbing and still come back. I have found a place to talk, talk about anything, everything. This is one place where I can say its hurting and its hurting bad, because I don’t say that in my world, to people around.

I’m exhausted, so can’t do much “YAY” today but maybe tomorrow.

Thank you for being a part of my little blog journey, a place I can say I’m not a happy person and not a great writer, but I smile and write anyway.

Give me a Sunday, please…!!!!

Dear Me,

Just one more day at Gotham. You can do it. Just one more and you will have a weekend. Please hang on, don’t give up and remember even when looking like sh* you look awesome. One more day, keep that face up, nod, pretend, stare at the screen and keep the coffee intake up, you will make it. I promise.

Myself

Sing me a lullaby…!!!!

I wanted to write about something today but now i cant think about it. huh! what was it? Anyhow, i want to tell you all something. I love my phone, i do. There i said it. Every since mobile phones became the thing to buy, i have had bought so many of them. No, not because im rich but i just happen to have been an owner of a new phone almost every other year. Strange i know.

But this one, the one i have right now, has to be the one that i would not part with easily. Nokia’s music app is killing me with happiness and music.

I still don’t remember what i wanted to talk about. What was it?

I want to meet a stranger, fall in love, go travel, get drunk, write a love poem and actually hand it over, wake up to a face every day, dance to crazy teen songs while pasting pictures of someone on the walls of my room, practice smiles in mirror and look at the stars only say they are beautiful. I want to be happy, head over heels and in love like every other normal person is. I want to walk out of the cloud of darkness and glitter in the sunshine of happiness.

Even that’s not what i wanted to write, but that’s just something i say every day to myself hoping one day it would come true. Cause you have to fight, you just have to be Kathleen Kelly and throw some punches in the air and say “Fight, Fight, Fight” or Capt. Karen Emma Walden with “No Surrender” attitude. Yes, I love Meg Ryan 😀 guilty as charged.

I think the week has been too exhausting and that’s why i forgot what i wanted to say.  I have to go because i have a S.J Bolton book to finish.

Man! i need some sleep. Anyhow, today i was running and this thought came to about how glad im for music and what if there was no music in the world. I tried to imagine and i almost died imagining because ever since i have slipped in to my darkness music is one big thing keeping intact. yes, there are other things, there are friends too but i am so glad world has music. When im with my headphones im often a person you would like. Truth is if you’ve had met me in another place, another world chances are you would have loved me because im a fun person deep down somewhere i think.

Okay! now I’m really shutting up my babbling. Somebody make me sleep.

Goodnight world!

!!!

Help me find a “Happy-Sunshine” movie for my 31st night…!!!

Romantic comedies, happy endings, all’s well in the end & life is beautiful kind….i want a movie that would make me smile while saying HI to 2014. Any suggestions?

Believing in magic is the only way it works…

Last night i saw one of my favorite movies again because i wanted to watch something magical, happy and innocent on Christmas Eve. So i chose “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” as my movie. Even though i have seen it before, i still loved it till the end. It’s a fantasy comical drama and the little girl in me was very happy to see it. Also, i love Natalie Portman.

If you’ve not seen it i would definitely recommend this one for the kid inside you 🙂

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones 😀

I love Christmas. Everything about it. The tree, the cold weather, the holiday, the carols, the lights. There is something about Christmas and New Year festivities that makes me happy, so happy. I mean i woke up little edgy and lost but then i played a Christmas song on my phone, danced and shook the cloud over me and said to myself “It’s your day, smile and forget the pain. I know something is troubling you and you don’t know what but not now. Not today. Tomorrow you crib, tomorrow you be as bitter as possible. But not today”

So i shook it off me, drove to city with my friend had a good lunch and then we were joined by more friends later. We all had coffee, wore our Christmas spirit and cap, played scrabble, smiled, clicked pictures and came back happy.

I know i might just go into tears after turning off the lights, i might just spend next one hour sobbing alone in darkness, but right now I’m happy because it was Christmas today. Magic doesn’t work unless you believe in it, something i got from the move i saw, and Christmas is magical and i can’t stop believing in it. I believe its a day of smiles and happiness even for people like me and it doesn’t disappoint. The day brings a smile to me, even if I’m home all day.

It’s weird because i can’t explain my reason for loving Christmas so much. I’m not religious and  i don’t do any Jesus talk. I’m not even Christian. Maybe i just need excuses to break the walls of my darkness and Christmas is one such excuse or reason.

Anyhow, sending lots of good wishes to everyone…

Only sad thing, i missed my buddy Snowy a lot today. Yesterday we got these Christmas caps and my first thought was i will put one on Snowy and click a pic of him. Then, it hit me. Good thing it was a thought and i didn’t say it out loud. I don’t want people to know how much i miss him because i don’t think anyone would understand. I would hate to hear anyone say “He was just a dog”.

Anyhow, not going sad. Let’s just be happy today. Christmas time 🙂

Leaving you with a Soundtrack from the  movie..

 

 

50 shades of darkness…!!!!

Found one of my old diaries while packing my bag for tomorrow. It made me smile, laugh out loud and cry.

Wonder why i stopped writing?

There in those pages are days of my life. Captured with honesty because i knew it was one place i could talk. But truth is even in my diaries i have never spoken or written about the truth. It has always been inside me.

Life isn’t always black and white, sometimes its light dark and dark dark.

My bags are packed. Am ready.
Goodnight world!

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