You lost me at…wait, who are you again?

I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.

No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?

It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?

Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.

Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.

While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.

It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.

At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.

There is a reason why a Superhero’s cape is never white…!!!

Today, i took half day leave from work because it was my friend’s birthday. While it was suppose to be her day, i think it was more of my day. Because i needed to cool off and a day-off on a working day was what i needed.

I’m not a leader, not the Alpha and not the frontier soldier. So sometimes i find it hard to work with the people at Gotham. Last two days were kind of rough work wise, nothing that i couldn’t handle but it just made me upset about how much that place has changed and how different it has become. It’s not the place i fell in love with once.

Even when i lost in bowling and scrabble i didn’t care because i was far away from Gotham. I wish i was a person strong enough to get up and walk away, but i am already in a battle i don’t want more.

Some days i just want to drop my hero act and hold on to someone for rescue but help isn’t coming so i guess i will have to be my own person, for as long as possible.

What can i say, Superheroes aren’t allowed to carry a white flag.

Super tired, got to go.

Goodnight world!

I have a plan for tomorrow…!!!!

Voices: Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Me: In my room, why what’s wrong?

Voices: (Rolling Eyes) Everything

A conversation I had with myself today and I realised I see nothing for me; I’m just waiting and watching for what’s coming. I might be angry with the world for not being the place for me; I’m highly disappointed at myself for fiddling with a White Flag. Yes, that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m sitting with a White Flag on my lap and waiting for my crutches of hopes to break and fall. I may be doomed and I may be struggling with my thoughts about hopes and miracles and silver lining, but I’m not letting my despair take me down so fast.

I don’t know what kind of day it would be tomorrow, but I do know one thing and I know it very well. I’m sending Jane Doe to a publishing house, something I have been ignoring for long now. Rejection is the worst thing that could happen and not sending is REJECTION in itself.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in mind for me, but I have a plan for tomorrow.

Voices: Smiling

Me: Why are you smiling?

Voices: We can be inspiring

Me: really? Where do you go when I sit with the stories? Haan?

Voices: Silence

Me: Thought so…

 

When a Superhero is looking for a White Flag…!!!!

I am not writing or reading…dont know why. Wednesday night I had a serious chat with my mother and I still cant believe what I told her. Its crazy but truth is honesty can never fight denial.
Its just no one will ever get it, no one will ever accept it. It hurts when people I love try to fix me, im not broken im not. I just have something to say, listen. Either hate me or accept me but dont tell me I need to grow up.

Tomorrow I plan to wake up early. Need to start workout.

I cant fight things and a part of me has accepted it which is why I find it hard to do things I love. My stories, my books.

Im in a phase where Dawn and Hope are both four letter words to me.

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A part of my mind works 24/7 placing happy placards infront of me..just in case…!!!!

Sometimes when im online and I browse through sites or blogs and see the big happy quotes, motivational words and inspirations words in big font, I smile and wonder how any of them can make any difference in my life.

Sure, being positive is always good and inspirational words always remind you that but truth is, its not meant for me. All the speeches in the world cant do a thing for me, believe me when i say that. Eventually im meant to sink and even if I do place happy & motivational posters in my room, all over my bed, I cant deny they are not meant for me.

Well, I just saw an episode of Revenge and man I had tears, like real tears, in my eyes. Never thought I would cry watching an episode of Revenge. Still sad.

I have to go now, my book is calling me but then I wonder if it’s a good idea to read at 1 am. I mean I have Gotham tomorrow and im already too low on my sleep quota.

 

This isnt for me..

But this one maybe…

Who doesn’t like to smile? i do, despite the fact that im used to being blue i like smiling and being awesome. But i wont deny the fact that it wont help me when i will wave the white flag.

 

When life throws a good day…because it hates sulky opponents…!!!!

Right now my head is spinning, i cant think straight. Wanted to sleep early but had to watch Revenge. But cant do no more. Last night i slept at 4 am trying to fix my NaNo speed and today was a perfect but tiring day, excitement can be exhausting. I can barley feel anything right now, except an urge to fall dead till morning.

Today i had lunch plans with my best friend and now that day is over i’m already missing her. i have lots of friends, good friends and even best friends but she is like my elder sister. Its like having her around makes me feel safe because she is one of the reasons i stay away from the dark and twisted door of my life, which i often end up reaching out to only to step back and walk away.  I miss her and often when she is in town i end up being the hyper kid who just met her Super Hero.

Her visit has actually thrown me back into festive mode, because clearly for past two days i have been having hard time keeping me from breaking and falling into pieces. I think life was getting bored with my sulky face and who likes to play and screw up with someone who says “white flag”?

Have to go now, no NaNo tonight because if i didnt sleep now i guarantee there will be no more writing left to do with a brain damaged to the core. My obsession with NaNo is just my stubbornness to prove myself that i am more than a lost soldier with a battle that’s not even meant to be won. I wish to finish Jane Doe to tell myself that irrespective of everything i still have something i can be proud of, my writing.

Now that im happy i would like to switch off my brain and get refreshed for two days of writing, hopefully i will do.

Some people are sent to your life because God knows you can’t make it to the end on your own. If you can find one person who knows almost everything about you and still accepts you and loves you, well you must ave done something right while doing all the wrongs.

Thankyou!

 

Writing is my alcohol…!!

Hi, i’m an addict.

I’m addicted to so many things, but nothing gives me the high writing does. It started when i was in 9^th grade and since then i have spent almost every day being a writer. I wrote silly poems, sad stories, senseless stuff in diaries, i wrote because writing is the only thing that felt good.

I have had my moments of clean life where i didn’t write, but i found other addictions. Coffee, junk food and fiction. But nothing helps like writing, every word i put down calms me. Truth is if i won’t write i won’t be able to make it till dawn. My job also requires me to write, i come home and i write, on weekend i write, I’m happy i write and i write if can’t control what’s falling down my cheeks.

It’s like my drug, my alcohol. I don’t think i can give up or live without it, i know question is why would i want to do that? I don’t know, but today i asked myself what if not writing?

Maybe that’s why today im sad, because i can’t do anything else i have no other talent. I don’t know if that’s why am low or it’s just a thought came through the window of sadness, staring at me since morning.

I feel lost, like a soldier who knows that the backup is not coming and sooner or later it’s all about the “White Flag”. When i was young i always thought being a good person matter, if you are nice to everyone in your class or around you, nothing can go wrong.  Truth be told, i lived being a nice girl all my life. I was one of those girls who you could ask to get you a coffee from canteen, while you worked on your class work. I always found saying No to anyone difficult, taking sides in a fight and even yelling at someone for anything. Because i wanted to be the girl, the one who was always nice. So that in the end, everyone would forgive me because i was the nice girl who always smiled and said yes.

Anyhow, i was kind of a nerd who was never great with books, never dressed trendy and had braces but i was still popular among people in my class which included brilliant as well as the fashionable ones. You know how? Because i used to write and they liked reading my “something to write while on bus to home” stuff from my notepad. They thought i was good, i wasn’t but, it made me happy.

Today, i need to write and write and write till i am spinning. I need to escape and few pages of writing along with fiction would be fine. That’s what Doctor “voice in the corner of my head” suggests.

“Hi I’m an addict,
And I’m addicted to writing”

Thank you!!