I’m running out of tomorrows…

Almost every motivational video says don’t wait for the motivation, just do it.

So I decide tomorrow would be the day I’ll do one thing to make a difference. One thing to fix my mental and physical health. I listen to all the motivational videos, most pumping songs and do the best pep talk that there is.

And then tomorrow comes, I snooze and snooze only to wake up wondering why. Next 5-6 hours are spent in regret and self bashing, then 3-4hours are spent picking myself and going back to the videos, the songs and the pep talk.

Truth is you don’t need the videos, the songs, the pep talk or even a reason. We all change or grow or improve or shine for another person. Sometimes that person is family, a lover, a friend and sometimes it’s ourselves. Depending on who matters. Who needs a better version of ourselves.

I don’t have anyone who would say “Please rise back for me” and I can’t find myself in a state to be that person for me.

So the snooze, the guilt, the self destruction and the lack of will.

But I guess one day there will be no tomorrow to snooze or say “tomorrow for sure”.

Why do we have to hate what we cant understand?

Well UK has now legalized same sex marriage and i was going through some tweets, at first i found many supportive tweets mostly congratulating and celebrating the whole change. But then there were those hateful tweets almost cursing everyone and anyone who supports the new law.

I get it, people not opening to the idea of homosexuality. But what i don’t get, is the hate.

Truth is, my head hurts right now. I have had a very very busy day and its going to be same tomorrow. I wanted to stay up and read but i think that would be suicide. I need to sleep for me, because my boss wont care if i’m dying all he needs is this deadline thing to be taken care of.

Vacation. That’s what i need. I think i would be planning one soon, if i managed to survive by then.

Something tells me, tomorrow ain’t gonna be a pretty day…!!!!

When you have a busy day tomorrow and lots of deadline based work, you know how the story goes…you try to get a good sleep…well so am I, im going to get a real good nap tomorrow, over my computer, in front of a stupid CCTV…

Believing in magic is the only way it works…

Last night i saw one of my favorite movies again because i wanted to watch something magical, happy and innocent on Christmas Eve. So i chose “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” as my movie. Even though i have seen it before, i still loved it till the end. It’s a fantasy comical drama and the little girl in me was very happy to see it. Also, i love Natalie Portman.

If you’ve not seen it i would definitely recommend this one for the kid inside you 🙂

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones 😀

I love Christmas. Everything about it. The tree, the cold weather, the holiday, the carols, the lights. There is something about Christmas and New Year festivities that makes me happy, so happy. I mean i woke up little edgy and lost but then i played a Christmas song on my phone, danced and shook the cloud over me and said to myself “It’s your day, smile and forget the pain. I know something is troubling you and you don’t know what but not now. Not today. Tomorrow you crib, tomorrow you be as bitter as possible. But not today”

So i shook it off me, drove to city with my friend had a good lunch and then we were joined by more friends later. We all had coffee, wore our Christmas spirit and cap, played scrabble, smiled, clicked pictures and came back happy.

I know i might just go into tears after turning off the lights, i might just spend next one hour sobbing alone in darkness, but right now I’m happy because it was Christmas today. Magic doesn’t work unless you believe in it, something i got from the move i saw, and Christmas is magical and i can’t stop believing in it. I believe its a day of smiles and happiness even for people like me and it doesn’t disappoint. The day brings a smile to me, even if I’m home all day.

It’s weird because i can’t explain my reason for loving Christmas so much. I’m not religious and  i don’t do any Jesus talk. I’m not even Christian. Maybe i just need excuses to break the walls of my darkness and Christmas is one such excuse or reason.

Anyhow, sending lots of good wishes to everyone…

Only sad thing, i missed my buddy Snowy a lot today. Yesterday we got these Christmas caps and my first thought was i will put one on Snowy and click a pic of him. Then, it hit me. Good thing it was a thought and i didn’t say it out loud. I don’t want people to know how much i miss him because i don’t think anyone would understand. I would hate to hear anyone say “He was just a dog”.

Anyhow, not going sad. Let’s just be happy today. Christmas time 🙂

Leaving you with a Soundtrack from the  movie..

 

 

I have a plan for tomorrow…!!!!

Voices: Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Me: In my room, why what’s wrong?

Voices: (Rolling Eyes) Everything

A conversation I had with myself today and I realised I see nothing for me; I’m just waiting and watching for what’s coming. I might be angry with the world for not being the place for me; I’m highly disappointed at myself for fiddling with a White Flag. Yes, that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m sitting with a White Flag on my lap and waiting for my crutches of hopes to break and fall. I may be doomed and I may be struggling with my thoughts about hopes and miracles and silver lining, but I’m not letting my despair take me down so fast.

I don’t know what kind of day it would be tomorrow, but I do know one thing and I know it very well. I’m sending Jane Doe to a publishing house, something I have been ignoring for long now. Rejection is the worst thing that could happen and not sending is REJECTION in itself.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in mind for me, but I have a plan for tomorrow.

Voices: Smiling

Me: Why are you smiling?

Voices: We can be inspiring

Me: really? Where do you go when I sit with the stories? Haan?

Voices: Silence

Me: Thought so…

 

Drowning in self-pity…!!!!

I can’t explain today I can’t, it’s a weird day. Probably, I just need to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. I’m stuck inside the house, inside me, inside a trance. Trapped in a self pity phase where I’m bitter and angry at everyone else for the world is moving on and pushing me and dragging me along, not waiting for a second to take a look at me. I’m like girl in a crowded super market who is surrounded by busy shoppers trying to move ahead, left and right for time is precious, but no one sees the little girl who is lost and stuck and scared.

I am mad at myself for wasting the day, lying on the couch all day feeling bluest version of blue, not writing, not reading, not moving just not doing anything but feeling weird.

Last night i saw a movie “Now is Good”, very emotional and heavy movie. I was crying and i hate it when a movie does that to me. Anyhow, i need something to make myself get out the weird trance im stuck in. Maybe i just need to let the day pass by, maybe tomorrow i will wake up better. Who cares.

 

 

 

freaking out but not practising…

Sometimes there are things you need to do just for yourself and no one else…things you need to keep standing, to keep moving, to keep breathing, to keep believing, to keep fighting, to keep being you…

im suppose to practice right now because i have a big day tomorrow but im busy with music cause i need to not think of tomorrow…i need to breathe and just enjoy this moment…this one here where im a player, in the tournament and possible contender for finals…right here when i haven’t lost. Cause tomorrow it all might , might not change…so i want to enjoy every second of now before my tomorrow’s big game.

O btw…i came 3rd in desk decoration day…will upload pics tomorrow…hopefully with the good news and if not, i m still happy.

History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

 

 

 

 

Some days i tell myself it rained for me…!!!!

Today was a good day because I had fun, because I was with friends, because it was raining and because I was driving through puddles of water splashing water and screaming like a kid.

Some days I’m happy because I’m living inside my head, a world away from the one in front of my eyes and then there are days I’m living in past, the faint memories of good days that went by in a jiffy. Today was one such day; I was having fun and remembering good old days when a day like today was every day.

Right now I wish I was with my brother on his trip, but I’m not. He and my cousin are going to Srinagar the most beautiful land I have ever known.

Break, vacation, holiday…3 words I haven’t been friends with for long now. Some days I wish I had time to just sit idle all day, waste hours and not worry about it because I had time lots of it, to waste. But then I cant sit idle.

You know some of the very good publication houses don’t take unsolicited work which means I can strike them of my list, because I don’t have agents or money to hire one. I may never become an author people would recommend but I want to become an author, one who got published.

Life doesn’t look good from where I stand but at least I can say I went down fighting, right?

Most of us don’t realise how quickly life changes because we are too busy mixing up with and adapting to the changes, new faces, new routines and the new world. This is where I end up being the last one standing, because when these changes cover my world I can’t stop pushing myself to the place I was standing.

Today I don’t have any episode to watch so I’m wondering, book? Download some episode? Watch one of the movies on my laptop? Write a new story? Edit Jane Doe? Watch TV? Or just lie down with my headphones on?

I am enjoying the weather, because monsoon is like the best time of the year. It’s rainy, windy, chilly and nice. If you know what Indian summers are like, you will love monsoon too.

A cup of coffee, a rainy day, a slow day, laptop and headphones…just few of the things I want. I hope I get it tomorrow, I hope it rains again tomorrow; I hope I can just be me and have some Me-Time tomorrow again.

Today I was sitting alone in my car, waiting for my friends, and I saw this street dog and I was looking at him and smiling. A part of me wanted to just go and hug him, something that happens a lot. If I could I would hug every dog I see. Because I can’t hug mine, I can’t. This is one void that will hurt me forever even if I get my Dawn, even if life gives me a miracle and I end up happy. I don’t think I can ever stop missing Snowy.

I got to go, hope it will be a rainy day tomorrow because I need it to be, because I am a sad soul who looks for tiny little happy moments to recharge the inner awesomeness.

Goodnight World!

P.S i think i will write something anything, Dominique maybe.

Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.

I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.

Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.

How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:

“You know you should grow your hair”

“Why don’t you wear heel?”

“Wow?  You never wore mascara?”

“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”

“So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”

I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.

I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.

I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me.  Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.

When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.

The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.

You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.