For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.
So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.
While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?
It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.
Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.
I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.
Dear Me,
Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.
Ignorance is what makes people with mental illness suffer more; not theirs but our ignorance towards the subject.
Why do I say that? Someone in Gotham was talking to me about BiPolar. It was a small, silly and ordinary conversation but when it was over I felt sad. Not many people know what depression or mental disorders like BiPolar, PTSD, BPD is, not that it should be a part of our school textbooks but not knowing the thing is one reason we never understand someone who actually goes through it.
For example, I have stomach issues directly caused by my messed up head and also because I was a bad eater once. Now, when I am usually in a situation where I want to avoid something for my stomach or I’m having a bad stomach day, for no reason, I often get to hear things like ‘That’s all in your head’. Dude! That always hits me below the belt. Never for once a person who knows acid reflux or anxious stomach would ever say that ‘Metal taste? Oh that’s so crazy just eat something sweet’
So, when you meet someone with mood swings, totally unexplainable, never call that person crazy or something like ‘You need a good day out’. Don’t you think that person has tried everything from good day, good song, good movie to every other effin good thing available. Some pain and hurt and sadness are not made up by that person. They are there.
Just few days back, 2-3 people around me were making fun of a guy saying things like ‘O he is so gay’. I was there, I was suppose to pitch in something and I felt so ashamed of being there and not being able to tell them how insanely insensitive and wrong it is to joke like that. I wanted to turn around say, you mister are a male whore, you lady are an effin loser and you sir are also a loser in capital letters. I didn’t. I swear I wanted to so badly but I’m a coward or more or less I’m just one of them. So, I just pretended to be busy and asked why they think he was gay and as soon as the topic shifted, I excused myself and walked away. You know, we are what we are and will always be…Ignorant.
If you and I make fun of someone’s weight, height, health, pain, moods, sexuality, color or accent, it’s not their fault…it’s our…our ignorance towards them and the thing we think is so weird about them.
P.S Just ignore my rant and enjoy this beautiful song
So, if you know me then you also know how hard it is for me to be in a wedding. I don’t like going to weddings not just cause they are too loud and crowded (BTW- Indian weddings are fun if you are not me), but also cause you (me) have to talk to relatives you (me) avoid all the time.
I’m so allergic to weddings that I often end up with symptoms like panic attacks or anxiety or simple Hulk syndrome, where all I want to do is turn green and make that legendary hole-in-wall punch.
Relatives- How are you? How’s it going? What are you doing lately? You never visit or call? When are you getting married? You have to get married now and give us chance to come to your wedding.
Me- Im fine. How are you? Working same place ( where I’ve been working for past 8 years). Just busy. (All the while smiling, looking around for an excuse to escape and working hard to not explode with the invisible panic attacks.)
In short, I’m not a fan of weddings. Nope, don’t like dressing up, have no answers to any questions from uncles and aunts who are probably busy wondering how awesome their daughter or son is compared to me, do not like the loud Punjabi music that I need a dictionary for and, yep, I definitely do not enjoy being the prey for those gazing around, like a hawk to tear me up, with those you-are-next eyes.
Voices – Ahem! Me- What? Voices- Dude point Me- Oh! Yeah. Point is I went for a wedding today, got bored as usual but I clicked a nice picture. Cool right? Voices (rolling eyes)-
You know you’re either falling in love or having a major effin panic attack, when your heart skips a thousand beats in just one second leaving you gasping for air…
Yes, Avril Lavigne has gone from awesome punk rocker to a pop diva i can’t relate to, but i found a good song from her current album. BTW, if you are someone who fell in love with Avril from Complicated and Nobody’s Home then never ever ever listen to Hello Kitty, cause it would hurt you bad.
I still love her because i grew up with some legendary Avril Lavigne songs…
Anyhow, before i leave you with the song I wanted to talk. Nothing specific, just random. Today, i was sitting in a meeting and some days when i’m a part of such meetings with the big guns, being the only woman in the group, i feel proud of myself. Because lets face it i’m not very good with things, i have worst management skills, i don’t like my work, i have personal struggles 24/7, i dont even have the leadership qualities one need to be a Team Leader and i have these friends called Panic Attack, Anxiety, Depression and Anger. But some days i feel like patting my back because only i know how broken i’m to be sitting around people discussing work and team distribution and management of resources etc etc etc.
Truth is i was taught well my mentor, but its kind of amazing how i’m walking straight on the rope even with the panic button stick to my skin.
Maybe, i was born to be this…this girl who would be fighting secretly with unseen forces for the rest of her life like a SuperHero, while seeming pretty normal, childish and spoiled to people in her life. Bruce Wayne/Batman or Oliver/Arrow? Don’t know.
But, today i felt proud of me. I know there is no reason i’m the black sheep but i felt like giving myself a pat.
You know how every Super Hero has a Super villain? Well, i know who is my bad guy.
I suffer from Panic disorder, depression, anxiety, Acid Reflux and everything that makes a stomach go crazy and what’s common here? STRESS. Everything wrong with me is because of stress, hence proved my biggest enemy is stress caused due to reasons that i can share only with me and myself.
Hate that stress has caused so much and the most recent problem is Acid reflux. Hate it. Whatever.
Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.
Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.
So things that have happened, good ones:
I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.
So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.
Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.
Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.
Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.
Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.
Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.
I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.
I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.
You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.
Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.
Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.
Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.
My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.
Me: Nodding
Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.
Brother: Everyone is coming
Me: Nodding and smiling just a little
Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.
Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.
Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.
Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.
I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.
I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!
Little miss obsessive's anatomy!! 