Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.

Believing in magic is the only way it works…

Last night i saw one of my favorite movies again because i wanted to watch something magical, happy and innocent on Christmas Eve. So i chose “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” as my movie. Even though i have seen it before, i still loved it till the end. It’s a fantasy comical drama and the little girl in me was very happy to see it. Also, i love Natalie Portman.

If you’ve not seen it i would definitely recommend this one for the kid inside you 🙂

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones 😀

I love Christmas. Everything about it. The tree, the cold weather, the holiday, the carols, the lights. There is something about Christmas and New Year festivities that makes me happy, so happy. I mean i woke up little edgy and lost but then i played a Christmas song on my phone, danced and shook the cloud over me and said to myself “It’s your day, smile and forget the pain. I know something is troubling you and you don’t know what but not now. Not today. Tomorrow you crib, tomorrow you be as bitter as possible. But not today”

So i shook it off me, drove to city with my friend had a good lunch and then we were joined by more friends later. We all had coffee, wore our Christmas spirit and cap, played scrabble, smiled, clicked pictures and came back happy.

I know i might just go into tears after turning off the lights, i might just spend next one hour sobbing alone in darkness, but right now I’m happy because it was Christmas today. Magic doesn’t work unless you believe in it, something i got from the move i saw, and Christmas is magical and i can’t stop believing in it. I believe its a day of smiles and happiness even for people like me and it doesn’t disappoint. The day brings a smile to me, even if I’m home all day.

It’s weird because i can’t explain my reason for loving Christmas so much. I’m not religious and  i don’t do any Jesus talk. I’m not even Christian. Maybe i just need excuses to break the walls of my darkness and Christmas is one such excuse or reason.

Anyhow, sending lots of good wishes to everyone…

Only sad thing, i missed my buddy Snowy a lot today. Yesterday we got these Christmas caps and my first thought was i will put one on Snowy and click a pic of him. Then, it hit me. Good thing it was a thought and i didn’t say it out loud. I don’t want people to know how much i miss him because i don’t think anyone would understand. I would hate to hear anyone say “He was just a dog”.

Anyhow, not going sad. Let’s just be happy today. Christmas time 🙂

Leaving you with a Soundtrack from the  movie..

 

 

weird much?

Im one those of weird people who fall in love with fictional characters to the state where it hurts to see the character dying, even its all fiction. Probably because fiction is where i find peace, love and a sense of calmness. Truth, reality and real people sort of hurt me and i feel like everyone is always judging me. Well i know they got reasons and they are only concerned but.

Anyhow, so its 2 am and i just saw an episode and a fictional character in the show died,well it kind of makes me sad. I mean, what happened to happy endings? Wasn’t fiction the place to find them? I know its not that kind of show where its all roses and sunshine but still. Truth is i have had a bad and a good day, which makes me all weird right now. Good day cause i was out having fun in evening and because i have 3 days of off now with lots of fun planned but i woke up weird. The sense of gloom i woke up with is kind of sticky and even a good evening has not been able to wash it away.

I wish life was fiction, i wish i could just walk inside a book or a show and live like a character inside them, i wish there was a Dawn for real. I wish. Reality is kind of roaming above me like a blue weather, which is why i cant shake off the fact that every smile i give is fake, every laugh i have is fake and im not like any of the people around me and never will be and no one will ever get it, even the ones who love me dearly.

I sound sad i know, sulky i know but i think its the whole waking up on the wrong side of the bed thing. I need to sleep it off and i will be fine because tomorrow is a busy day. Movie, shopping, mall and loved ones. Its just right now i cant find my hope capsule so im all acting like those people with no faith. Cant believe im actually crying over a fictional character. Man! i am super weird.

Better go. Goodnight world!

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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Sometimes you have all the answers, yet you stay mum…!!!!

Just came back from 20mins of rope skipping. Dont know how much it will affect my health, but it does help me escape the world for a while.

Usually I say I have no regrets in life, despite all the wrongs (as per the world’s definition) that I have done. But there is one regret. I regret that I have to lie and stay silent when people who love me question me and ask me reason for my actions. I end up lying or staying silent thus becoming the bad guy. Am not sure if my world, which is made of my loved ones, is strong enough to take the truth. No one can.

Dinner time…got to go!

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A girl can only hope….!!!!

– I want to have another dog, i so badly want to have one

– I want to meet my best friend, again want it badly

– I want to wrap up my Jane Doe and show it to my friends

– I want to quit my job

– I want to stop being the sad, depressed, unhappy and scared crying baby

– I want to stop sleeping on my alarm for my morning jogging or badminton

– I want to stop seeing creepy dreams that ruin my day

– I want to fall in love

Now, these are the things i want for myself. Usually when i pray i ask for things for people i love but since this wordpress and i’m not praying i decided to write about what i want for me.

Let’s change the mood, here enjoy the trailer….i cant wait for the movie…!!!!

I need to spend more time reading…!!!!

I should sleep right now but then I guess little writing would be good for me too. I had a good weekend, relaxed, slow and less stressed which means I can be brave enough for Monday and the rest of the days before I go back to my weekend.

I finally finished “The Perk of Being a Wallflower” and like I said before it’s a nice book, at least for me it is.  Every page of the book was like reading about me only in different circumstances with different loved ones and friends. This is the second book that I have related to like this, first being The Diary of Anne Frank. I guess it’s the way these books were written, the format of writing letters or diary and the thoughts of a teenage boy and girl. Because, I recall writing like that in my old diaries about people around me, my friends and myself.

There is line at the end of the book says something like “there are people with worst things in life happening to them but it doesn’t change who you are or what you are going through”. I think that’s what the line was trying to say. Why I liked it? Because I have everything a job with good salary, loved ones who love me and I’m healthy yet I can’t stop my sadness, the emptiness or the darkness. Maybe my reason is small and maybe compared to others I have more than I deserve but I still feel the pain. Maybe my reason is a dot but when it hurts it hurts. In one chapter, Charlie got stoned and wrote about how he feels when he goes blue and it’s hard to feel good. The way he described it I realized I kind of feel that way too.

I think I love the way Charlie sees his friends and family in the book, especially Sam. His vision of friendship is unique and so innocent. When Sam said that he keeps others happiness above his and that’s not love I realized what she meant, but isn’t that’s what makes Charlie different from Patrick, Craig, Peter and everyone else?

Tomorrow I plan to start reading Fountainhead and I am also going to order “Sarah’s Keys” to read.

 

 

 

Wish we had a Super Hero…a real one!!!!

Sometimes I really wish I was a Super Hero, like with powers and all…I wish I was a person who could actually fly, face bullets, kick bad guys and like save the world. No, not because I think that would make me cool and people will actually never leave me. It’s because world is a crazy place and we need a super hero…someone who would fix it all.

Yesterday only I was trying to wonder what happened to the guy who open fired in Oregon Mall and this morning I saw the Connecticut school news. I understand the urge to kill self but to kill others…how could anyone do that?  Those 20 kids they didn’t just die, their families lost everything. I know I don’t even know them but I do know losing a loved one is the biggest pain in the world, everything else comes after. I have been trying to wonder what on earth has happened to people…people who can pick a gun and fire.

It’s not just the open fire shootings but everything…terrorist attacks, nations throwing bombs at each other…someone killing someone for revenge or whatever crap reason they feel is enough to do so. Taking life of a person is a big thing…how can anyone ever sleep after that?

I don’t know if world is ending on 21 dec but I do know world needs a savoir a real super hero. Only problem, a guy flying around kicking bad guy assess…it’s nothing but a comic book story and fiction is like some dreams…can never ever come true.

Every time I read or watch a war documentary or a World war story…I don’t just feel for the people who died for no reason…the innocent lot I also get sad to know about the bad guys who died. Call me crazy but I think the enemy soldiers who lost their life too had families. If I die tomorrow…it may not mean anything to you because we never met but my dying would affect people around me who love me. When a soldier dies in war even if he is from the other country, you must know that somewhere behind the uniform and gun strap was somebody’s loved one.

I think I’m just crazy but I wish we all never had to ever hear about any war, any horrible gunman firing, any sad stories or rape or murders and anything that was a result of a death of someone by another person knowingly or unknowingly.

I got to go now, my head hurts. While I condemn the world where a person tries to hurt another one I myself am trying to kill myself by not sleeping.

There are two things…actually three things that I need to work upon seriously. I need to fix my sleepless nights, I need to start workout and have to go back to reading. Funny thing I have good books with me yet I don’t read and I m so sleepy every night yet I wont sleep.

P.S – Glee is trying to screw up with my list of shows i love to love…its trying to make not like it.

Little is thankful for…!!!!

We don’t do thanksgiving in India, but since when did I let religion or country define what I do…so I’m going to tell you about things I’m thankful for.

Yes I know, I’m usually cribbing and crying saying how much messed up I’m but that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful. I cry and go blue because I’m someone who is hurt and can’t talk about it and there is nothing in this whole world anyone can do to fix it. But believe me when I say I am thankful.

Thankful for life, for people I have and even Gotham. I have a family who loves me because they go with tantrums all the time. My mum, dad and my brother find it difficult to understand me but they love me, which is probably why I get sadder. I’m so thankful for them, for the fact that they let me be all kido even when I’m not supposed to be. Having a family is a thing to be thankful for and I’m. I don’t ever show them how much they mean, I take them for granted but they are special to me.

My thankyous extend to so many people; my friends are my life’s biggest support. I’m thankful for friends who know the story and who don’t but still do not care. There are people who are more than friends to me, they are my family, and they are my people and my support system keeping me alive.

Also, I’m thankful for Gotham. I know I know I say a lot of things about how Gotham sucks but its Gotham that makes me an independent grown up. Gotham and I may not have the love we had once between us, I still am thankful for having Gotham. Gotham gave me so many things, Gotham gave me my most awesome person, it gave me reason to make my parents be proud of me, it gave me my first cheque, my car and the respect among people.

And I won’t end up without saying I’m thankful for Snowy. A tiny miny puppy came in to my life and has become everything to me. I take people for granted, he takes me for granted.

Thankful for this blog too!!!!

Thankful for all the good food in the world

Thankful for my coffee

Thankful for the all the ice-creams in the world

Thankful for all the music in the world

 

Thankful for a home

Thankful for good health

 

Thankyou Gotham….!!!!

Before I start with my episode and continue work on Jane Doe, I want to say something. Today I got salary raise and it makes me more than happy, it makes me super happy because no matter how screwed i’m with life at the end I’m not a complete loser. I work hard every day in Gotham but I never thought anybody cared.

I may not be the daughter my mom wished she had but i still made her little proud today which means a lot to me. I also missed my mentor and best friend a lot today because she is a major reason behind everything I do at work, she taught me all of it. My loved ones are disappointed with me at some corner of their heart and I know it very well but I also know today they are happy. I may act super self obsessed with “I’m Awesome” as my pet line but I have no confidence in me and  so, today, I told myself silently that despite the darkness I have done good, despite the pain I have managed well. I wanted to be hugged but I managed with self pep talk.

To reach this day is in itself an accomplishment for me because I know the journey. It was a good day today, while it began with a big headache it turned out to be just awesome. Also had one of those rare family outings which added to the whole awesomeness.

Club cant even handle me right now…!!!!

Every other day when I cry myself to sleep I wonder if there is any reason to have hope and faith. Even today as I smile and dance inside my head I feel the dagger but I am happy. I’m not loser.

So finally weekend is here and for next two days I have just Jane Doe on my plate. Write write write.

Goodnight world!